Dialogue Crit: me in the hot seat

All right, have at it guys!

Title: Disciple, Part IV: Salt in the Wound
Genre: Gritty fantasy romance... I think
Background: Kate, our narrator, is a magical healer. Elect is her current rank.

“Those are all down-slope, though,” Theo told me, with a flick of his hand, “and they’re certainly not Elect.”

“Does that matter?” I had to ask.

“The king’s own physician is worth a bit more than some common herb-brewer. And Elect — well, you can steal a man from under the Shepherd’s knife. Everyone knows that.”

I opened my mouth to object — dead was dead, and nothing to be done about it, even for saints — but Theo shot a look at Anders and I was sure he knew something of what had happened at the lamia’s fount. And what Saint Qadeem had said about letting people wonder echoed in my memory.

“You say I should charge more,” I said instead. “Elect Parselev charged nothing at all, sir.”

Theo nodded. “He had no children and no rent to pay, though. No husband with a half-tame warhorse and a habit of breaking lances on friends.”

“At least I didn’t drop it.”

“Rent?” That was the part my ear caught on.

“There’s house just up the street that would suit you,” Theo said. “It’s been standing empty a couple years now, but I can have it cleaned and I can bring in carpenters to rearrange it to suit you. You’re going to need about a crown and a half, all told, and I can set the rent at,” and here he tipped his head to consider, “two crescents a moon, which is a pittance for the location. I can loan you the crown and a half, if that’s what you want, and I’ll lower the repayment to two crowns sixteen crescents as I’m still soft in the head from that foul hit.”

Anders snorted into his tea mug.

“But.” Theo raised one finger. “I’d rather give you three crowns — not a loan — and let you pay me one brun of every five you earn, instead.”

Three crowns? Not a loan? And one brun of five, if I were charging…

I still figured on that as Theo leaned over and clicked a latch by his foot. Metal clinked and my eyes caught on three disks of solid sunlight that he dropped on his desk. Casual as if they were of little matter. I’d never even laid eyes on a gold crown coin before.

“Theo.” Anders chided.

Theo spread his hands. “I never bluff. Though you’re right, that’s too greedy. With this stipulation: after twenty years, the obligation expires and if I wish to re-invest — or if my children wish to, should, Mother forbid, the Shepherd call me home — we will discuss the matter afresh.”

Was that such a difference? “How is that less greedy, sir?”

He hesitated. “For if it’s left open-ended, and… well, true, not all Elect live so long but this is no place for such dark thoughts.”

Dialogue Crit #4

Critting dialogue, paying minimal attention to the tags and surrounding action. Yellow highlighter points out repetition. My apologies if I lost any italics -- they all dropped out in the copy/paste.
 
Title: The Rogue King
Genre: Adult Science Fantasy

“The truth is you nearly killed her. That she left because she wanted no more of me and none of you.” The proud jaw twitched and Kael shrunk from the fire in his father’s eyes. “The truth is you cost me a woman I dearly loved.” Veng glared at him, shoulders bunching in an effort to contain the rage. “Is that enough truth for you?”

“Why risk your life to save me if you hate me so much?”

Veng sighed, his breath ragged. “I don’t hate you, Kael.” He sunk onto the dune, back pressing into the sand. Eyes closed, he tipped his hairless head up, baring his dusty-brown throat to the suns. “I just miss her.”

“Is she ... dead?” The hope of ever meeting his mother shivered at the thought.

“She’s with the nomads. I’ve sent dozens of messengers. Every one of them was turned away and but -- unless there's a reason why turning messengers away tells him she's still alive, as far as I know, she’s still alive.” Eyes still shut, he frowned. “Unless something has killed her, He just said he knows she's alive? old age won’t catch up with her for a while, she’s only nineteen.” Bad grammar that easily falls into simple sentences. IME, bad grammar happens in dialogue because of complex lines of logic -- but that's just IME.

That young? He’d always assumed his mother had been older, someone his father would’ve respected. Surely not nineteen. That would’ve made her eleven when he was born. She’d have barely stopped being a child herself before baring bearing one. “And you, being thirty-eight and nineteen years her senior, have only two years to live,” Don't talk about the elephant in the room. Plus, how is this relevant to this conversation? Kael said, surprising himself with his vehemence.

Amber eyes opened slowly, head twisting to look up at him. “I went through that talk with your mother.” He sighed. “You’d be surprised how little leeway she gave me.” One corner of his mouth lifted. “Quite a stubborn woman.” Maybe you've explained elsewhere how one gets leeway on dying at a particular age? I'm guessing I'm missing a lot of world-building if Kael is only eight but speaking like an adult.

“You sure you didn’t just charm her clothes off?”

Eyelids lowered, his father peered at him through long lashes, the only hair he possessed. “That’s twice you’ve mentioned it,” he murmured. “And it sounds familiar. Are they still teaching from that old book?”

Old? It was barely older than he was. “They taught us your life, in history because you’re supposed to be dead.” And yet, if the school taught them that the great Rogue King was dead, then why were the guards still hunting for him? Furthermore, how had they known Kael was his son? He had none of Veng’s structure and looked nothing like the man in colour. “Are you really my father?”

Eyes wide, Veng stared at him before slowly looking away, doubt on his face.

“You don’t know, do you?” he asked, anger bubbling to surface once more when his question was met with silence. “How could you not realise realize, unless you're British it? I look nothing like you.” Character call: not answering the question and being bass-ackwards along the way. Is Kael supposed to realize this isn't his father because he doesn't look like him?

“And everything like her.” Given only this dialogue, I have no reason to think he knows what his mother looks like. His voice was so quiet, Kael barely heard the words over his own breathing. Veng looked him over, eyes shutting away all emotion. “Your mother always swore you were of my blood and I’m inclined to believe her.” Which still allows for her doing his brother, admittedly... He lifted a shoulder. “Besides, it was I that tended to and protected you, even if you had come from the loins of another, you’re mine now.” Bad grammar that easily falls into simple sentences, again. And I'll have to assume that Veng "tended and protected" but still left before Kael was old enough to remember him, know who he was? 

There's a lot unclear here, and some of that can be blamed on lack of context. Not all of it, though. Given how the conversation rambles, I gather that neither character has a clear objective here, but the subject matter is weighty enough that I'd think Kael would be pursuing a clear answer. 

Dialogue Crit #3

Critting dialogue, paying minimal attention to the tags and surrounding action. Yellow highlighter points out repetition.

Title: Not Her Mother's Fate
Genre: Women's fiction

“You like Robert?”

“Usually,” Amy answered, feeling it an odd question. “Do you?”

He nodded, his lips curving in a tight smile.  “I have a special interest in Robert Crane.  Pronoun. People rarely use names -- I often get stuck IRL hoping someone's name will be mentioned because I've forgotten it. And it never gets said. And I pay close attention to that which sparks my interest.”

Daryl looked her up and down again, but not the sexual dressing down he’d given her earlier.  She turned her face away as his long, smooth finger gently caressed her jaw.

“Exquisite,” he whispered appreciatively.  “Who do you work for?”

“7-Eleven.”

He laughed.  It was a beautiful sound, a man used to being entertained.

“There you are, Amy.  I’ve been looking all over for you.”

Daryl looked towards Robert’s voice, lifted a hand, and the burly guard stepped out of the way.  Robert hurried towards her with two melting drinks in his hand.

“Thanks,” Daryl said as he snagged a glass.

Robert looked angry as he glanced at Amy.  She blushed at the accusation in his eyes, knowing he had to have witnessed the slow, tantalizing caress.  When she looked up at Daryl, his gray eyes were alive with teasing mischief.
“Truce,” Daryl chuckled as he held up his stolen glass.

“For Cal,” Robert agreed, and they drained the drinks together.  “You buying into this?”

Daryl grinned, handed the empty cup back to Robert.  “I like her.  You should introduce her to my wife.”

“Fat chance,” Robert replied instantly.  “You keep my brother The above being said, this is one place I'd use a name. Unless he doesn't want Amy to know his brother's name. away often enough, you can’t have her too." Bad grammar, but it could work.

The sensuous laugh again from Daryl.  “Well, can’t win them all.”

An awkward silence followed as each man assessed the other.  Surprisingly, Daryl was the first to break the tense silence as he clasped Robert’s shoulder.

“God I miss Cal,” Daryl admitted hoarsely, swiping at a tear in the corner of his eye.  “You’re his favorite, you know.”

“I don’t. You had his heart long before me. You’re family, blood.” Elephant in the room -- they both know this, therefore they have no reason to mention it.

“Fuck you,” the big man demurred.  “Stuck with me, but he picked you.” Daryl could throw some proof in Robert's face instead. What's he trying to get from Robert here? Embarrassment? Admission of some kind of guilt?

Robert apparently had no come back for that one.

With a survivor’s instinct for hidden motives, Amy realized this moment was why Robert attended the party.

“Watch yourself out there,” How is this relevant to Robert being the favorite? What prompted the change of subject? Robert said in a low voice. There was genuine concern in his tone as he glanced towards the party.  “Some of them think you’re vulnerable right now.” Vague. Either be more specific or leave it out.

“Like I need your advise advice,” The above was too vague to be called advice, I think. Good place for a "Fuck you" though. Daryl said sarcastically.  “I’m not helpless without Cal.”  Robert pulled back with a snarl, but Daryl grabbed his shirt in one hand and wrapped an arm around Robert’s shoulder.  “Some of ‘them’ think I’m gunning to hurt you over Cal’s arrest.” Elephant in the room -- you could use this as a hook, if the reader doesn't know about the arrest, and if they do then you don't need it.

“I heard that rumor.” This is vague, which I'm reading as Robert getting nervous. Was that what you wanted?

“They’re wrong,” Daryl said sharply.  Robert nodded, looking past Daryl, down the hall to the bedrooms.  All drunkenness vanished from Daryl as he shook Robert.  “You know something?”

“Who Brad talks to is none of my business, right?  I’m sure you’ve done your own check on his new enforcer.”

The conversation seems to veer from subject to subject, but that could be because it's only a snippet of a scene. And it's a bit... odd that Robert says he's been looking for Amy and then proceeds to ignore her. They both do, actually. There could be many reasons for that, but if she's important to them her presence should have an impact on the conversation. Either because they want to include her or they're deliberately trying to exclude her, control what she hears, etc. 

Dialogue R&D

Research
There are genres that absolutely require research into speech patterns and vocabulary: alternate history, Westerns, period war epics. Regency romances, infamously. In other genres, it's useful, it's good to encourage, but honestly it's icing on the cake. You don't have to be a master linguist like Tolkein to write a good fantasy. (Thank goodness.)

I find it useful to be aware of the evolution of the English language in general. There are plenty of good books out there on the topic. Learning another language can teach you a lot about different ways to arrange information.  I've heard over and over that learning Latin will blow your brain wide open, but I wasn't brave enough for that.

For the language of specific time periods, watching movies is an easy place to start. Movies are also the least reliable, of course. Thanks to the internet, you should be able to get some idea of a given movie's level of accuracy, though. Reading books written in your time period will teach you more. Even if there isn't much dialogue, the narrative voice can show you something about the voice of the times.

How much work you put into accuracy is entirely up to you, of course. Hampering your readers, or detracting from their enjoyment of the story, is always risky. Though on the other hand, there will also be readers who value accuracy. It's all about balance.

Development
Things tend to shift in the writing. Plots, characters, dialogue too. As you get comfortable with the story, hopefully you'll get comfortable with the dialogue style too. It's one of the things I always go back and revise before calling a first draft finished.

If the dialogue is giving you trouble, though, one thing I've found helpful is writing throwaway scenes. Usually, it's a couple characters sitting around with minimal context telling each other stories -- something that's often not useful in the story itself. But it gives you a chance to work on their conversational style, both in the words and the give and take between them. Plus, you'll probably get some back story and character development out of it. All those "character interviews" I've done over at my blog? They're as much about the dialogue voice as the content, and looking at them I can see evolution.

Listen to your characters. You should always do this, and you should argue with them too. Dialogue is no different in this regard. Let them try on different styles, even ones that clash with their genre. Some things will stick, and some won't. They'll probably surprise you, and that's one of the things I love about writing.

The End!
Drop by tomorrow to see a chunk of my dialogue in the hot seat! :)

Dialogue Crit #2

As before, I am only critting dialogue. Yellow highlighter points out repetition.

As was pointed out in comments yesterday, it's hard to fully isolate dialogue from its tags and surrounding action. Perhaps "paying minimal attention to" is more accurate than "only critting dialogue." Maybe I should talk about the stuff around the dialogue, next time I'm at the helm of Unicorn Bell? :) I'll take requests...


Genre: Paranormal suspense
Set up (if needed): Jack is a local homicide detective, Stan is a friend with the FBI

Jack folded the paper and laid it aside, pushing up from his favorite overstuffed chair.  He motioned to Mary that he would take the call in his den.  When he picked up the extension Mary finished exchanging pleasantries and hung up.

“Hey, Stan.  Thanks for getting back to me.”

“No problem.  Afraid I don’t have much.”  Stan’s voice held a note of apology.

“Whatever you’ve got.”

“Well, I couldn’t find much official on Harrison but I found people who know people. You know.  Looks like Harrison works for one of those departments that doesn’t exist.  At least not officially. Word is he’s into the weird stuff.  UFO’s and little green men.”

“Wait a minute, little green men?  You mean like aliens? Come on, Stan.” Jack couldn’t keep the irritation out of his voice.

His friend snorted. “What? You didn’t think we really have a department that tracks UFO’s and little green men?  You never heard of Hanger 18 and all that shit?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard of it but I never put any stock in it.  You’re telling me it’s real?”

“Well, I think most of it’s just so much bullshit.  But underneath, yeah, there’s some real.”

Here's why I crossed all that out: Jack would have had to be living under a rock for 50+ years to not have heard about alien conspiracy theories, X-Files, etc. More importantly, your readers would have had to, also. This is all old hat. Jack may not believe any of it, but he can be much more succinct about it -- which is why I left "Come on" in. Instead of this, Stan could be giving us more details/rumors or maybe Jack could rant a bit about conspiracy freaks. Whatever's in character for them.

Caveat: if this story is set in the 1950s or there's a valid reason Jack wouldn't know any of the above, the dialogue could stand as is. See next note.

Jack tried to set aside his instinctive disbelief.  “So if Harrison is interested in our killer that means, what?  This is a fairly current expression. It's why I'm assuming this is present-day. Harrison thinks he’s an alien?”

“Well, it’s not just aliens.  They look into anything not normal like that.  ESP and psychics and ghosts and people who claim to use magic. Any of that weird shit.  Paranormal phenomena, I think is the official line.” X-Files, again.

“Why?  I mean why are they hunting for these…paranormal types?”

“Hell, Jack.  You sound like sound wide eyed rookie. Clunky -- it could be an inside joke, but those tend to condense down to as few words as possible. Re-phrase?  What do you think they want?  Chase ‘em, catch ‘em, and figure out how to use ‘em.” <-- Dialect, unobtrusively. Thumbs up.

Yeah, he knew that.  He’d just never spent a lot of time thinking about it.  But that was before.

A short silence spun out as Jack considered the implications.

“You got anything else on Harrison?”

“Not really.  I got a little more but none of it good.  People who have in contact with him, and there aren’t that many, say he’s really intense, maybe obsessed.” Kinda redundant.

“Obsessed?  With what?”

“Again, no one seems to know. Then how do they know he's obsessed? At least no one I could find.”

“What about his pull?  Where’s his weight coming from?”

“Don’t know.  More classified bullshit. I'd argue that classified bullshit is a form of weight itself. But he’s got it.  In spades.  And he’s some sort of super-interrogator or something.  Like a human lie detector.”

The bright winter moon pulled Jack’s eye toward the window.  Naked branches moving restlessly in the wind had taken on a sinister edge.  Like a human lie detector.  Like Cara.

“Pretty much everyone I talked to,” Stan continued, “said he’s got the power to make your life miserable, or mine.  I got warned off all the way around.  I don’t know what you’ve stepped in there, Jack, but be very careful.  You don’t want this guy for an enemy.” This is all kinda redundant too -- it adds emphasis, yes, but I count three re-phrasings of the same information. Two would be enough, IMO, with "got warned off" as a spacer between them.

On the whole, this reads pretty well. The casual tone conveys a familiarity between Jack and Stan, and the addition of a little swearing brings a little tension toward the end.

Meaning vs. words spoken vs. the reader

People don't say exactly what they mean, and they don't mean exactly what they say. Slang changes, aphorisms abound, and the elephant in the room isn't spoken about. It's miraculous we understand each other at all, sometimes.

It's been said, and it's true, that the only times people speak in detail about something they do regularly (a job, a tradition, etc.) are when there's a newbie learning the ropes or when something has gone wrong with the system. Thus, the tradition of the main character being new to something so that it has to be explained to him and therefore the readers.

Everything else is an "As you know, Bob," even if those words are never used. Some writers are better at hiding it than others, and to some degree we've all been conditioned to accept expository dialogue as necessary... but as writers, we all want to do better.

You need to get information to the reader, and dialogue is one of your tools. You can bring a newbie into an established system, and you can use the disruption of the system as part of your plot. Here are a couple more thoughts/tricks I've found.

Context, context, context
You can use the natural tendency to not mention ordinary things to pique the reader's interest. Here's an off-the-cuff example from real life:

"You getting anything?"

"I was gonna kick it again."

"Cool."

This conversation is usually shouted from one end of my house to the other and ends with someone switching off the cable modem, counting to ten, and turning it back on. And that's really the most important part, because it's not clear dialogue. The reader thrown into it doesn't know what's being talked about, and will glom onto whatever you give them and assume it explains the dialogue.

If I were to write the above dialogue and then send somebody to the fridge to dish up some ice cream, the reader would try to make sense of that. And probably be quite confused.

Coding as a story hook
We all re-define words on the fly. Words pick up particular meanings in the context of any group of people -- your co-workers, your long-term relationship. your family. They become inside jokes, or reference important events in shorthand. And more importantly, once you've defined them you rarely explain that definition to anybody.

This can make coded dialogue powerful if the reader was there when the referenced events happened. But even if the readers don't know what happened, if you make it obvious that there's coding going on the readers will want to know. It's a hook.

How do you make it obvious? Body language, unexpected reactions, things like that. You've seen this done in movies and television, with varying degrees of subtlety, and you've seen it done in real life. How subtle you want to be depends on your readership, the genre, etc. -- this is something you want your beta readers to report back on whether it's working or not.

Bad grammar and dialect
People don't talk good, all the time. People have accents. Regionalisms. They lapse into other languages. This is a tricky area; yes, it will add color and texture and reality, but it also drives some readers straight up the wall. If the reader can't make heads or tails of what the character's saying for pages on end, they lose a reason to keep reading.

I was one of those people who just picked up A Clockwork Orange and plowed through it, language and all. Too stubborn to read the glossary. I would not expect my reader to let me get away with that sort of thing, though, so: moderation. Be careful. Poll your betas.

Dialogue Crit #1

I'm only going to crit the dialogue here, because what you put in between the dialogue and how you tag it is a whole different can of worms.Yellow highlighter points out word repetition, something you want to generally avoid... though in dialogue, people do it more than they should. That pesky reality getting in the way again!

Title: Faerie Wings
Genre: YA/NA contemporary fantasy

People danced through an endless garden. They drifted through large French doors in and out of the real garden and back to dance some more. Chandeliers bathed the room in soft yellow to match the lanterns outside. The dimmer lighting subdued the swirl of colors. Instead of the warm sweaty air I associated with dances, a cool floral breeze drifted through the room.

“What magic is at work here?” I had to lean close to Carter so he could hear me.

“Can you guess?”

“The breeze?”

“Good. Who wants to dance in the heat? You can see that most people have calmed their colors as well.”

“Why?”

“Most people like to keep their emotions to themselves when dancing in public.”

“Not where I come from.” I warmed when Carter placed his hand on my back and led me onto the dance floor.
“I don’t dance. Please, can’t we sit somewhere instead?”

“Dancing will make it impossible for your admirers to talk to you. Isn’t that what you want? And anyway, this is what they want. To see us together, happy and in love.” If it's important to Carter to give the audience what they want (a question of his character), he can entice her into wanting that too or he can give her a solid reason why it will harm her if she doesn't -- carrot or stick. Right now, and in light of her response, this comes across as a mishmash of mild carrot and mild stick. Maybe it needs re-phrasing. Maybe he responds to her response with something more definite.

Heat rushed to my face, “But we’re not in love, and I really can’t dance."

I dug my heels in and we stopped moving forward.

“Mo Run, please. Trust me. You’ll find dancing here easier than on the human side.” Again, not much of a carrot. If this keeps up, he's going to come across as less than motivated. OTOH, her motivations are decently clear. Thumbs up.

“I doubt that.” Didn’t he realize it was impossible to dance when you’ve never heard the music before? I mean, it wasn’t bad. In fact I liked it, but you would never hear it in a club. The music had definite Celtic undertones with some rocking drums thrown in. The problem lie in the fact it couldn’t make up its mind about tempo. Some of the instruments filled the air with lyrical ballads while others played something more like a jig.

The couples in the room didn’t seem to mind. They all danced in their own way. Some rushed around the room spinning with legs and arms flying in intricate patterns. Others danced close and slow.

“What is this? Pick your own tune?”

“You’re smarter than you look. Character call: patronizing tone. Let’s start with something slower?” Carter reached for me and pulled me into dance position.

“It’s really pick your own tune?”

“Yes. Right now there are,” he paused and cocked his head to the side, “four different songs playing.”

“I’ve gone crazy.” Relevance? How does her being crazy influence the music? Though if is this a phrase she uses often, leave it.

“Trust me for one night. Let go of all your fears and give in to your imagination.” Character call: semi-canned phrases.

Carter stood so close, his eyes boring into mine. I could feel his warm hand on my back, just above the scars. His other hand squeezed mine and I wanted to let go like he asked. I really did, but his fingers were sliding down toward my waist. They paused, then moved again tracing one of the lines down my back. His brow crinkled and I stepped away from his hold.

“Mo run?”

His eyes were so deep. Bottomless pools of concern. He hadn’t bargained on me being damaged goods. Even if I wanted this life, I would never fit in. Not with these beautiful, perfect people and their swirling colors.

Dialogue: world

I love world-building. I love geography, I love building cities, I love creating situations where oddities are perfectly reasonable. How people go about their everyday life in strange places fascinates me.

All of that world-building and cultural development influences the dialogue that comes out of characters' mouths: people are products of their culture, either by conforming to it or rebelling against it.

Culture and technology
The vocabulary your characters learned as children was defined by their surrounding culture, their family, and their education. On the most obvious level, nobody in a pre-industrial world knows what an airplane is. Do clockworks exist, even?

If your character grew up in a coastal village of a pre-industrial world, what sorts of words are going to dominate his vocabulary? What will he have heard his family talking about? That depends on what they did for a living. If they were fishermen, the talk over dinner would be different from what a boy in a wealthy merchant's house would hear.

This impacts vocabulary, sentence structure, and one's place in society as well. A fisherman's son may have learned swearing as a form of punctuation, for example, and give it no more thought than that. Note, though, all of the other assumptions that jump to your mind with that thought -- it's not surprising, is it, that a boy raised poor, working menial jobs, uneducated, would use four-letter words with abandon. It rings true.

How many people are feeling a need to mess with that assumption, now -- show of hands?

The fisherman's boy is also going to describe things he sees in terms of things he knows. Have you noticed how computer terms have crept into how people describe non-computer-related things, lately? It's what we know, now. What does the fisherman's son know? Fish. Nets. Boats, sails, and wind. Rope and canvas. Muscle pain and iron hooks.

Concepts
The subject matter that a character focuses on derives in part from personality (as noted yesterday) and in part from what he's been told is important. If a knight believes his honor is of utmost importance, everything he says is going to revolve around maintaining his honor, giving it to those he deems worthy, and denying it to the unworthy. Maybe this involves particular forms of speech or special vocabulary.

In addition, there's a filter of the ideas available to the character -- ideas about government, religion, equality, etc. These will also contribute to what the character prioritizes and how he speaks about them. How a man speaks to a woman he considers his equal is quite different from how he addresses a woman he believes is his servant, after all. Eavesdrop on how restaurant patrons address their waitress, and you'll hear the difference. (For extra fun, compare to how they address a waiter, if you can.)

Concepts will influence their behavior as well as their speech, and that's all part of the inter-connectedness of a story.

Crits
I have stuff to crit, hooray! I will post at least one today. Don't be shy -- if you have some dialogue you'd like fresh eyeballs on, send it in: unicornbellsubmissions at gmail dot com.

Dialogue and character

Action is character. But so is dialogue. This is one of the biggest windows on your character's soul -- it's immediate, it isn't filtered through the narrator, and it can say so much both bluntly and subtly. We all glean information from every word people say. We all draw conclusions from what we hear and how it's said, we infer meanings and (hopefully) reflect on the motivations behind them. And the things left unsaid.

Good dialogue invites the reader to do this with the characters. To listen to them as if they were real people, and by extension think of them as real people. 

Word choice
This will tie deeply into world-building, in tomorrow's post, but the more character-based side of the words a character uses depends on his personality and emotional state.

People alter their word choice based on their emotional state, and it's not always a conscious thing. To use myself as an example, in very emotional situations I tend to step back, mentally -- retreat, if you like -- and become objective. And my words change accordingly, sliding toward bigger, more "intellectual" words with less emotional impact. The intent is to defuse the situation and diffuse the emotional content. Though, as I said, it's not really a conscious decision on my part. I'm sure it tells people a lot about my personality, though.

Other people, when they get emotional, plunge into strong, high-impact vocabulary that has an effect like splashing gasoline around a fire. This can include swearing. It could be words with violent connotations. Ultimately, it tells the reader a lot about the character and his temper, though. 

Sentence structure
Short sentences feel quick. Long ones slow the pace down. This goes for dialogue as well as narrative, and speaks to the mental state of the character as much as word choice. In a high-stress situation, who has the time to deliver a Shakespearean monologue? Who has the mental distance that it indicates? Sentences naturally shrink when things get rough. Sometimes just down to a single word coded with lots of meaning. (See Coding, which will come later in the week.)

Outside of stressful situations, consistent use of short sentences versus long can indicate something about a character's education, intelligence, or integrity. Or, perhaps, the environment they grew up in -- children will mimic the speech patterns of those around them, unless they make a deliberate choice not to.

Subject matter
On a more abstract level, the things a character talks about tells you what he considers important.
Nobody can maintain perfect awareness of all things; we all prioritize and focus on what matters the most to us.

We've all seen this in action, on the internet: that person who always casts a discussion in terms of gender inequality, or skin color, or animal rights. It's what's important to them, so they focus on it.

Or that person who always pulls a topic back around to this story they wrote... :)

Field work
IMO, the best way to learn about these aspects of dialogue is by listening closely and objectively to real conversations. When you're part of the conversation, it can be very difficult to maintain the analytical mindframe you need -- or jot down notes, if you need, as well.

That's why I'm an unrepentant eavesdropper. If you're anywhere near me in a diner or a coffee shop, I'm listening. For innocent reasons, though. Honest.

Dialogue: the life of the story

I saw the The Avengers recently, and the dialogue was so wonderful as to bring tears to my eyes. I've been watching far too much television and suffering through its clunky, wooden dialogue. CSI, I'm looking at you.

It might be a little hyperbolic, but for me nothing pulls down a story faster than bad -- or even mediocre -- dialogue. I may be overly sensitive. And I've always been frustrated by my inability to put a finger on just what it is that works or doesn't work, so this week I'm going to try to and I'd love to have your two cents, too.

Nothing in your story exists in a vacuum. All the aspects are cross-woven and anchored on each other. Dialogue derives from a number of other aspects of the story, and also is constrained by both reality and what the story needs. I'm not going to hit all the aspects, but here's what I'm trying for:

Character
Dialogue derives from the character speaking it. You already know this: a hard-core surfer chick does not talk like an Oxford professor. An senior politician does not sound like an illegal immigrant struggling to learn English. Lawyers and short order cooks have completely different vocabularies.

World
Dialogue derives from culture. The ideas available to your characters, the priorities they've been told to have, their entire frame of reference -- all derive from the world-building.

How people actually speak vs. useful dialogue
There's a gap between what people mean and the words they say. You can drive a Mack truck through it, sometimes. As writers, we naturally suffer from the urge to be as clear as possible because reader confusion is deadly. Unfortunately, absolute clarity in dialogue can also be deadly because people just don't talk that way. It drains all the life from the dialogue.

And then there's the problem of getting out the information you need the reader to see.

Research vs. development
Dialogue styles can be researched, and should be in many cases. A general appreciation of etymology and the history of the English language can be very useful. However, letting your characters be involved in developing their voices is just as important.

Crits
Let's talk about talk. Let's crit some talk. Send up to 500 words of speechifying with "Dialogue" in the subject line to: unicornbellsubmissions@gmail.com before Thursday, May 31. I will post something of my own on Saturday for everyone to attack, if nothing else.

Hunger Games--The opposite of Lord of the Rings

I haven't received any suggestions for great endings, and I'm finding it easier to think of the ones that left me flat myself. Perhaps it is true that we can learn more from other people's mistakes than we ever realize.

The response to yesterday's post has emboldened me. Today I'm going to air my disappointment with the final chapter of the Hunger Games.

First, Suzanne Collins is one of the writers that made me cry in shame. She's brilliant with the way she handles scene and chapter breaks. Her descriptions draw you in and rip at your emotions.When I read the Hunger Games I knew I should give up writing and never try again because I would never be as good as her.

However, whereas Tolkien dragged out his ending, I felt Collins rushed the end of Mockingjay. After investing so much of my time and emotions in the lives of Katniss, Peeta, Gale, et al, I needed more closure than we were given. Sure the wrap up was there, but none of the details I craved.

It felt like Collins got tired, or someone told her she could only have five more pages to wrap everything up. (Yes, I know I'm sort of contradicting my thoughts from yesterday).

The point(s) I'm trying to make this week is this:

• There is a fine line between a great ending and a "meh" ending.
• The ending is JUST as important as the beginning, maybe more so because it's the last thing the reader reads.

If you have an ending you would like to discuss this week, please email me at unicornbellsubmissions.blogspot.com with "Endings" in the subject line.

Dangerous Territory

I'm about to step into it.

This week we are talking about endings and how to do them well. Hopefully you've found some that you want to share with us this week. I think the best way to do it is for you to email me the title of the book and why the ending worked for you. Don't worry about spoilers too much, be honest and detailed with what worked for you. (unicornbellsubmissions@gmail.com with Endings in the subject line)

Today I want to talk about what NOT to do. Please don't stone me when I'm done.

Tolkien managed to get away with something we will never be allowed to do. Ever.

He wrote 100 more pages of story after the climax of The Return of the King.

Stay with me a minute. The ring is destroyed on page 250 of my paperback copy. Sam and Frodo are reunited with all their friends on page 255. Said friends have just finished a mighty battle a page before that sees the orcs running away.

At this point, all the tension has been released. There is nothing else for us to worry about. Not really. However Tolkien spends another 92 pages getting our heroes back home, cleaning up said home from the riff raff that's taken over, and then getting the elves, Bilbo, and Frodo on the boats to the west.

Now, I LOVE Tolkien and The Lord of the Rings, but as a writer today, I don't have the luxury of spending 90 some odd pages to tie up all the threads and bring the story to a complete end. I wish I could. It's in my head, but the reader gets bored once the conflict is over. I admit I got a little bored after the war was over myself.

The moral here is:

If you are J.R.R. Tolkien, you can do whatever you want.

But you are NOT Tolkien.

And neither am I.

Normal folks like us would need to end the story by page 260.

Thoughts? Am I completely off my rocker?

The Right Place to Start and End

If you've spent any amount of time on writing blogs, you've heard how important it is to START in the right place in your story. Volumes of books and blogs have been written on the subject. Finding that place can drive you bonkers. I know I rewrote the beginning of Sendek: The Magic Wakes at least 100 times.

In the process I moved around scenes, cut entire scenes, wrote new scenes--all in the hopes of finally crafting a first chapter that would make the reader fall in love with my MC and her plight.

Now that I have an editor helping me polish this book, I've come to realize another important point. Where you end, or how quickly you end after the big climax is also important. I did rework the ending a couple of times. Maybe three? Yeah, not nearly as many times as the beginning.

I knew the ending was taking too long, but I had these loose ends to tie up. And I needed to plant the seeds for the next book in the series. Before signing with WiDo, I cut almost 4000 words from the end. If you're not cringing you should be (that's about 14 pages). I finally decided to cut the last chapter in its entirety and it is now one of the first two chapters of Orek: The Search for Knowledge.

Even with that much streamlining I have too many pages after my conflict is resolved. In the words of my wonderful editor, "After ___(spoilers)___, I'm no longer invested."

Ouch.

But completely true.

Here's my questions for you:

1. What makes an ending satisfying for you?
2. Do you have a different criteria for the ending of a first book in a series? (what and why?)

Over the next few days I want to take a look at endings that WORKED. Feel free to send me your favorites at unicornbellsubmissions@gmail.com.

How to Commit Manuscript Manslaughter

Follow these simple steps to Crash & Burn.

Asleep at the Wheel. Start your novel with loads of information, precise and intricate. Spare no words to get your backstory laid out. I’ll turn to the back of my tissue box for something better to read.

Yapping. Dialogue that spins into boredom. I call it, ‘Hi-how-are-you-I’m-fine’, inane conversation between characters that gives no information. Reading ‘where do you want to eat?’ ‘I don’t care. Where do you want to eat?’ makes me want to open a vein.

An abundance of names. Too many titles, characters, unfamiliar or techno names cause me to skip ahead to something ANYTHING interesting. Don’t make me work too hard. Introduce these people and definitions sloooowly. Remember, I don’t know them. You do. Big difference.

Slow build to Action. How is too little conflict in a book like a baseball hit over the fence? Answer: I’m outta here. Those first pages are a fine balance between simple nouns and verbs, sparing use of adjectives and adverbs, and lots of conflict. Whether verbal or physical, there should be conflict on every page.

Abrupt World-Building. To commit Manuscript Mayhem, carry me from Auntie Em’s front yard to Technicolor Oz without transition or bridge. Every fantastical event needs a whiff of the unusual so the brain can adjust. Hence, the tornado and dream sequence. And the witch flying through the air. Always scared hell outta me as a kid.

The Kryptonite Factor. Phenomenal cosmic powers without the itty bitty living space (Genie – Aladdin) kills a MS. One word: Conflict. An all-powerful hero who has no faults or weaknesses equals blah. Epic Fail.

Got a bone to pick? Nails-across-a-blackboard sentence structure that causes wandering eye? 

Query Smack Down

Queries need some lovin’ just like everything else.

Aimee Salter posted my query for review on her blog.

Here’s your chance for payback.

What About Blogfests?

Bloghops infest thrive in our blogosphere. We sign up via Linky tools, wait for the day and post according to the theme du jour.

Then visit other blogs. Follow. Comment.

Of what value are they?

Blogfests increase traffic, viewership, and expands our knowledge. Some of my best buds came about in this way.

It’s a chance to do a meet ‘n greet with our fellow ‘net cruisers. In my case preferably writers.

But is it worth it?

I want to post articles that are of interest to our followers. I want to provide a service. But I also want to keep on track with my original goal; 

Writing.

So, why participate in bloghops/fests?

At this time, I am of two minds. The events are fun and whimsical. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy them and meeting new people. But it can be downright taxing. 


I am still recovering from the April 2012 A to Z Challenge.

Cutting to the chase, when I did A to Z, I quit writing. My word count for the entire month of April went to 500 words. Not day, not a week, but my total for the Whole Month.

It blew my previous writing schedule into tiny bits of wind-blown confetti.

My posts were simple for the blogfest. I almost felt guilty as I composed them since most of them were fewer than 80 words. But visiting other blogs, commenting, checking out my best friends and followers, reading their posts, and cheering them on, it all took time that I did not have.

Did I say that I quit writing? Stopped. Abandoned. Deserted.

It's difficult to get back into my routine. Only now is it returning to the way it was. I have my notes and research and will eventually climb back onto that snorty horse. But, dang, will I do another blogfest soon?

*negative*

I feel as though I’ve lost something very important. 

Finding it again means remembering exactly why I wanted it in the first place.

What about you? Was A to Z a problem for you also? 

An Author’s Downfall

I have favorite authors, people who could write on a used tissue and I’d be interested in what they had to say. Their books need no reviews to sell me. I'd buy their novels without reading the page cover.

And when those books are laid out in a series of familiar characters, well now, boy howdy, out of my way cuz I’m first in line to lay down cash. That makes it easier, knowing what they write, knowing that I’ll love what they write.

Jim Butcher is one of those authors. His series, The Dresden Files and The Furies of Calderon are just the kind of meat-and-potatoes type fantasy that I love. 

Patricia Briggs’ Mercy Thompson series, beginning with Moon Called, is my gold standard of urban fantasy.

Patrick Rothfuss has written only two books with the third and final of his Kingkiller Chronicles due out next year.  I’ll be knocking people over to get to that one. The Sookie Stackhouse series belongs to Charlaine Harris, another series that never disappoints.

Recently Julie Kagawa caught my attention. The Immortal Rules pulled me into her world with The Iron Fey as a side trip.

These authors give me what I want. Entertainment, good writing, plausible storylines. Well, as plausible as fantasy can get.

They write. And I buy anything and everything they care to give me.

That said there is another kind of author who makes me scream like Vincent Grey in The Sixth Sense, YOU FAILED ME.

Yeah I know, like they care. But still…

Two of those authors, who I won’t name, angered me beyond the capacity for rational thought. One lady’s ending made no sense. Throughout the series, the MC verbally slapped everyone who lied to her. Then, at the end, told the biggest whooper ever. It made me so mad I wanted to throw my Kindle across the room. Grrr.

Then another author, who thrilled me last year with three ExCellent books, totally let me down when he journeyed into PreachyTown. And not just one or two pages, but every Freaking Chapter. Blah, blah, blah.

What a cryin’ shame! I find a great story and the author slithers into the folder labeled Shrug.

A book that doesn’t end exactly as I expect doesn’t fall into this category. One example is the ending to The Hunger Games. Good book. Not what I expected at the end but still superb.

No, what I’m talking/ranting about is an author who lectures or moralizes. Sometimes it seems to me as if the author is tired of the character and writes ‘The End’ to break off their relationship.

Beats me.

Are you disappointed with some authors who once held the mantle of Beloved? Will you buy their next book or give them another chance?