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Monday, June 13, 2016

How To Spot a Writer

In a world of negative, I bring you a week of nonsense humor.

Stalking the Wild Writer in their natural habitat.

The signs are many and the trail is easy to spot once you see one. Amid coffee cups and Post Its, they are Writers and be careful how you approach one.

The vacant look is the first give away. They focus on something so far away that an eagle would have trouble seeing it. Could be they see what is hidden from mortals. Their gaze follows as if something is walking by. You look but already it is gone.

The reclusive Writer wakes at odd hours and scribbles furiously on bits of paper. They mumble. Questions go unanswered. The squinty-eyed look tells you everything you need to know. Back away slowly lest you incur their wrath.
And speaking of fury. Have you heard a Writer scream at a telemarketer who just interrupted a vital scene with a phone call? Such words. It’s enough to make a trucker blush.

Patience is in short supply with the confirmed Writer. Limit
your conversation when their bodies are corporal but their minds are not. Their good will depends on attention span and need for humanity. What they really want is for you to finish your story about how traffic was so bad going to work. Quit talking because for a Writer, listening to inane conversation is like opening a bottle of aspirin and wading through the childproof seal and cotton ball. They just want to get the painkiller and they can get back to writing the battle scene you interrupted.

Use care when you do get their attention. Hollering, “Hey, honey, come see this on TV” might result in bodily harm. Disrupting their thought processes can lead to an early death.

Food seems to work both ways with a writer. Either they eat
too much while writing to stave off the stress of rejection letters from agents. Or, food becomes a forgotten thing, a pleasant memory.

Leave food out in bowls as you would for a wild animal. Eventually they will come eat. Use discretion and attempt to discover the Writer’s mood. If the scene the Writer is composing is a fight scene, buttery crackers are perfect. Popcorn works for introducing new characters, and chocolate is the go-to for almost anything else. Except death scenes, especially for a beloved character. Careful how you approach the hunched over figure then. Could be a quiet retreat, tippy-toe fashion, is your best bet. Ensure they are still breathing of course. But never ever interrupt their process when a character dies.

Normal. Do Not Be Alarmed

Don’t be surprised if a Writer is drinking several different beverages at one time. This has less to do with their tastes as it has with the writing process. Forgetfulness is the key here.

When sighting of a Writer is confirmed and they are flushed out of hiding, for a few minutes, the Writer morphs into actual people. But don’t be fooled. When the furrowed brow appears, the pursed lips, we know the time is nearly over and the Writer is again lost to our plane of existence.

Do you know a Writer by the signs? Ask your family. I bet they can point to one.


Nicola said...

I hold up my hands - I'm guilty of all of those. A super post. Thank you for sharing and starting the week off with a chuckle and a smile.

Bish Denham said...

Too funny! I need to post this on my door for my darling hubby who is guilty of calling to watch something on TV. Most aggravating. :)

Unknown said...

Haha! I love the idea of leaving out food in bowls. I always have to laugh when I come across an envelope or scrap of paper with something scribbled on it--something I thought of and wrote down but then forgot where I put it.

@Kathleen01930 Blog

Chrys Fey said...

Ha! Yes, I can be very impatient. And I tend to forget to eat when I'm super busy. And a few different cups for different drinks can be seen left around. (Hot tea in the morning, juice at lunch, coffee in the evening.) I always have to go around collecting them. :P

Liz A. said...

Ah well, I wouldn't be mistaken for that creature.

Janie Junebug said...

My family got used to me writing on napkins in restaurants, so my daughter (when she was still quite young) got her dad to take her shopping so she could get me a notebook that was small enough to go in my purse but large enough to write complete sentences and thoughts on one or two pages. I love your post. It's great.


Anonymous said...

My hubby is always interrupting my writing for food. He wants to go out or to make dinner, but doesn't want to cook. Well, neither do I because I'm writing DAMMIT!

Huntress said...

@Nicola - You are welcome. It's been an especially horrible week.

@Bish - I need a neon sign around my neck that says Stay Away.

@Kathleen - I write on envelopes, magazine inserts, my arm...anything handy
@Chrys - I forget also. that's a good thing though. It's when the rest of the family thinks they're dying from lack of food that it becomes apparent.

@Liz - Oh yeah. Of courrrrsssse not. LOL

@Janie - Super idea! I wait till the notebooks go on sale and buy a bunch. I have leftovers/themes from The Hunger Games, Justin Bieber, and Star Wars. Eclectic and strange

@Patricia - Our family has a phrase that fits so well. "I could get something done if I didn't have to stop for the man folk's gut-wadding." Love that G-grandma!!

diedre Knight said...

I think they're on to me! I've received tons of notebooks, spirals, and tablets -I even have one for the shower! Funny thing is when I do emerge from what they call my "black hole" (my office), the astonished look on their faces; as if I'd grown a second head!
Loved this amusing take on spotting a writer :-)

Huntress said...

Whelp you got me beat. I have no notebook for my shower, LOL

Magic Love Crow said...

This is adorable!

Darla M Sands said...

Brilliant! My husband needs to read this. ~rolls eyes~ I sometimes revert to my (bad) impression of Jack Nicholson from "The Shining" on him.