How To Spot a Writer

In a world of negative, I bring you a week of nonsense humor.

Stalking the Wild Writer in their natural habitat.

The signs are many and the trail is easy to spot once you see one. Amid coffee cups and Post Its, they are Writers and be careful how you approach one.

The vacant look is the first give away. They focus on something so far away that an eagle would have trouble seeing it. Could be they see what is hidden from mortals. Their gaze follows as if something is walking by. You look but already it is gone.

The reclusive Writer wakes at odd hours and scribbles furiously on bits of paper. They mumble. Questions go unanswered. The squinty-eyed look tells you everything you need to know. Back away slowly lest you incur their wrath.

And speaking of fury. Have you heard a Writer scream at a telemarketer who just interrupted a vital scene with a phone call? Such words. It’s enough to make a trucker blush.

Patience is in short supply with the confirmed Writer. Limit

your conversation when their bodies are corporal but their minds are not. Their good will depends on attention span and need for humanity. What they really want is for you to finish your story about how traffic was so bad going to work. Quit talking because for a Writer, listening to inane conversation is like opening a bottle of aspirin and wading through the childproof seal and cotton ball. They just want to get the painkiller and they can get back to writing the battle scene you interrupted.

Use care when you do get their attention. Hollering, “Hey, honey, come see this on TV” might result in bodily harm. Disrupting their thought processes can lead to an early death.

Food seems to work both ways with a writer. Either they eat

too much while writing to stave off the stress of rejection letters from agents. Or, food becomes a forgotten thing, a pleasant memory.

Leave food out in bowls as you would for a wild animal. Eventually they will come eat. Use discretion and attempt to discover the Writer’s mood. If the scene the Writer is composing is a fight scene, buttery crackers are perfect. Popcorn works for introducing new characters, and chocolate is the go-to for almost anything else. Except death scenes, especially for a beloved character. Careful how you approach the hunched over figure then. Could be a quiet retreat, tippy-toe fashion, is your best bet. Ensure they are still breathing of course. But never ever interrupt their process when a character dies.

Normal. Do Not Be Alarmed

Don’t be surprised if a Writer is drinking several different beverages at one time. This has less to do with their tastes as it has with the writing process. Forgetfulness is the key here.

When sighting of a Writer is confirmed and they are flushed out of hiding, for a few minutes, the Writer morphs into actual people. But don’t be fooled. When the furrowed brow appears, the pursed lips, we know the time is nearly over and the Writer is again lost to our plane of existence.

Do you know a Writer by the signs? Ask your family. I bet they can point to one.