Query #3 - Grave Beginings

Oh WELLLL. Maybe I’ll send this querier MY blurb for crittering next time. In fact....

Original -

Thirteen...
As far as numbers go, it isn't a great one. Hell, it's not even a good one and Vincent Graves is going to find out just how unlucky of a number it can be. 

Because someone, or something, is killing people in the Empire state, and whatever it is, it gives people everything they ever desired and more. And it's the more that's the problem! 

Well...it's one of the problems. 

Vincent's investigation also seems to have drawn the attention of a relentless FBI agent and then there's the little bit where he has only thirteen hours to solve the case, or he dies. 

Talk about your literal deadlines... 

...No pressure. 

By the end of this case Vincent will come to understand the meaning of an age old proverb: Be careful what you wish for - because you just might get it!

My Critique – (not much to crit here but I’ll give it a whirl)

Thirteen...
As far as numbers go, it isn't a great one. Hell, it's not even a good one, and Vincent Graves is going to find out just how unlucky of a number thirteen is. can be. 

Because someone, or something, Because someone—or something—is killing people My preference (okay, my editor’s preference) is to knock out the commas and insert em dashes in the Empire state, and whatever it is , it gives grants people everything they ever desired and more. And it's the more that's the problem! 

Well.... It's one of the problems. 

Vincent's investigation also seems to have drawns the attention of a relentless FBI agent. aAnd then there's the little bit where he has only thirteen hours to solve the case, delete comma or he dies. 

Talk about your literal deadlines... My opinion: use periods not ellipses here.

...cut ellipses No pressure. 

By the end of this case, Vincent will come to understand the meaning of an age-old proverb: Be careful what you wish for - because you just might get it! use periods. Let your words express the exclamation point.

The last line...darn, if only you could find a way to twist it. People expect and are familiar with the cliché/trope.  It’d really pop if you could weave it into something unexpected. Start out with “Be careful what you wish for.” Then add the kicker. 

Below are my poor examples:

Unless death is your desire.

Because death isn’t usually on that list.

Because even death has its limits.

Meh. You know what I mean.

If you haven’t read this self-published author’s book, Grave Beginnings, WTH are you waiting for? I compare it to Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files and even go so far to say it’s better than his last book, Skin Game. Go. Find. Try sample. Buy. Yessssss.

Followers?