If only he could
throw a bar of lava or Fire. Even a jet of Water would do in a pinch. But he
couldn’t do that. Not without certain repercussions.
Orders kept Justus
Aubre on a short, thorny leash, and the strictures didn’t include using his
magical talents.
A medley of
reporters was stood between him and a frowning politician in an echoing chamber made
of marble and suspicion. The constant clickety,
click, click of cameras tightened his mouth.
“A demonstration,
you say.” Justus stroked his chin as if considering the request.
Request? More like the senator was
demanding he jump and say, yes sir. Right
away sir. The oily expression on the Honorable Senator Kendway’s face
reminded him of a ferret eyeing a meal. Unctuous to a tee.
“Yes, Mr. Aubre. A
demonstration of your ‘powers’ would be nice,” Kendway said.
“You have the
folder. You know what we mages can do.”
“Yes. I have your
group’s previous testimony and this deposition.” Kendway stroked the closed
cover of the forty-page report with one long finger. “Frankly, it seems a
bit...premature to evaluate the nature of these magical powers.”
Justus rolled his
shoulders. “And the news reports aren’t enough to—”
“Excuse me,
‘wizard’, I haven’t finished.” The senator sat back and crossed his arms. “You
come before us, delegated by your supreme leader.”
“Tiarra.”
Kendway curled his
lip. “And now you believe we should take your word and some jimmied-up special
effects and tricks? Without proof? You come before us with nothing and expect
us to accept the rabbit-in-a hat illusion? Elephants disappearing on the
stage.”
Justus frowned.
“That mage in Vegas wasn’t sanctioned. We took care of it.”
“Oh, please. Don’t
patronize me with silly stories. That was a sham performance.”
“Nah. It was all
mage. Just not approved by the Tiarra. PETA did protest about using a live
animal though.”
Kendway looked
like he’d bit into a bad grape. “And yet here you are. Show me. Prove it or
this masquerade ends now.”
“At this time, I
am prohibited from such a display. Pity. But there it is.”
“Pity? Why is
that?”
***
Ha! I can guess why it's a pity! A pity Justus can't turn Mr. Politician into a toad or something equally unpleasant!
Anyway...my thoughts: Having read the first two books in this series I'm already interested in what will happen next but...but that first line could be reworked to place readers better in this world, maybe by using Justus' name and his perception of where he is at the moment. For example, something like this: "Justus surveyed the crowd (or chamber or whatever) and (insert his perception here - are they all a bunch of oily politicians and ambulance chasing reporters? Is there someone else there that he might look to for support or encouragement? How is he feeling? Angry? Trapped?). If only he could
throw a bar of lava or Fire. Even a jet of Water would do in a pinch. But he
couldn’t do that. Not without certain repercussions."
Aside from that, I liked this first page and can't wait to read the rest :)
4 comments:
Yeah as someone who hasn't read the previous books, I agree that the opening needs more.
The wording is nice and poetic (love that, btw), but it's not putting me into the main character's shoes fast enough. And remember, not all readers have good memories, so a little prod for those who have read the book won't hurt either. :-D
A sincere Thank You for all crits. It is very hard to balance how much information to give at the beginning of a book in a series. Too much and it's an info dump or backstory. Too little and confusion rules.
Again, major thanks to all.
As someone who loved the first book but hasn't read the second, I was confused with the opening. More stage/character setup would be helpful.
And now I'm thoroughly curious how he gets from the end of book 1 to here... Need book 2 ASAP.
Release date for Mage Revealed, the second in the series, is Oct 24th.
I don't even have a cover yet. Any ideas?
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