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Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Way to Dendara

the scene: Lucy, our heroine, has just entered a twisted duplicate of Angarat, the castle she now calls home. Her half brother will be fast on her heels...


chapter fifty-two


     Ten minutes, Lucy thought. That was all she had before Vinn came to kill her. 
     She looked left and saw a long hallway stretching away, the walls papered in a dark, Victorian flower print. There were lots of doors, all closed. Straight ahead was another larger door, the one that would've led to the dungeon. It had huge panels but no knob or visible latch. To her right a wide stairway rose, similar to the one she come down only a short while ago. But where did it lead? Upstairs to a familiar second floor or...somewhere else.
     She darted up, hoping she'd made the right choice, wondering if she'd find anything like what Arne had described. Or would it be completely different? The sound of her boots echoed on the stairs as she ran. She  reached for her keys which still hung on their chain beneath her clothing, remembering what Bertrade said: One to open all the doors in Angarat  except the one to Old Angarat. Two to get inside. And Three...
     Maybe this was where the third key had a use.
     She came to the landing, intending to take the next flight up. But it wasn’t there, as if the castle didn’t rise more than two stories, regardless of what could be seen from Angarat’s courtyard. Her eyes scanned down the corridor, searching for a way, but she couldn't see to the end and there was only one way to find out. She glanced back, trying not to think of the seconds mounting into minutes, minutes that brought Vinn ever closer.      
     Her heart started thumping in her chest and down below she heard the distant but distinct sound of the door latching back into place. She froze as Vinn's voice drifted up the stairwell, echoing. 
     "I'm coming, Lucy, better run!"

ok peeps, I hope someone will send me something for Friday. How about something to do with food? Turkeys? Pilgrims? 
Enjoy your day off if you've got it :)

3 comments:

Huntress said...

"...To her right a wide stairway rose, similar to the one she *had* come down only a short while ago..."

"...But where did it lead? Upstairs to a familiar second floor? *Or somewhere else.*..."

"...She reached for her keys *that* still hung..."

"...Her heart started thumping in her chest and down below she heard the sound of the door latching back into place...."


Turkey is in the oven. Oyster stuffing will join it soon. The hubby wants mashed potatoes, but *shrug* I haven't made up my mind yet :)

Happy Day to all.

mshatch said...

thanks C:) and yes, you must have mashed taters WITH gravy for thanksgiving. It's rule number 5. Enjoy yours!

Brooke R. Busse said...

Ten minutes, Lucy thought. That was all she had before Vinn came to kill her.
She looked left and saw a long hallway stretching away (A long hallway stretched away to her left, makes the sentence stronger and puts a larger emphasis on what you're wanting to draw attention to.), the walls papered in a dark, (this comma is not needed) Victorian flower print. There were lots of doors, all closed. Straight ahead was another larger door, the one that would've (Would've? Are there no longer dungeons? If so it should say the one that led to the dungeons.) led to the dungeon. It had huge panels but no knob or visible latch. To her right a wide stairway rose, similar to the one she come (had come) down only a short while ago. But where did it lead? Upstairs to a familiar second floor or...somewhere else.
She darted up, hoping she'd made the right choice, wondering if she'd find anything like what Arne had described. Or would it be completely different? (Cut this last sentence. You have already expressed her doubt that it may be something entirely new.) The sound of her boots echoed on the stairs as she ran. She reached for her (this may be a preference thing, but you could use 'the' in place of 'her' to avoid pronoun repetition in this sentence) keys which still hung on their chain beneath her clothing, remembering what Bertrade said: One to open all the doors in Angarat except the one (perhaps 'entrance' or something of the like to avoid repetition) to Old Angarat. Two to get inside. (Inside where? And if the first key opens everything but the one door, why have all these other keys?) And Three...
Maybe this was where the third key had a use (This last bit sounds awkward: 'had a use.' Could you be more specific, such as 'where the third key fit'?).
She came to (You could use a stronger verb here, I think, but this is one of those things that are entirely up to you.) the landing, intending to take the next flight up. But it wasn’t there, as if the castle didn’t rise more than two stories, regardless of what could be seen from Angarat’s courtyard. Her eyes scanned down ('Scanned down' sounds strange. Cut 'down' and it'll read more smoothly.) the corridor, searching for a way, but she couldn't see to the end and there was only one way to find out. (This sentence just completely confuses me. Searching for a way where? Upstairs? Way to find out what?) She glanced back, trying not to think of the seconds mounting into minutes, minutes that brought Vinn ever closer.
Her heart started thumping in her chest and (Cut and and make this into two sentences.) down below she heard the distant but distinct sound of the door latching back into place. She froze as Vinn's voice drifted up the stairwell, echoing.
"I'm coming, Lucy, better run!"

I like the tension and the ending of this piece. I want to know what's going on. Why is he going to kill her? Who are these two characters?