Query Critique: SHROUDED GODDESS

Hi All!

Sorry for the delay in posting! Yesterday was a rough one. But, without further ado, I give you a query for analysis. (And please do feel free to add your (NICE!!!) critique in the comments.) I added my overall thoughts in red beneath the original version, and then specific comments as a critique. Finally, I reworked the query using the information I could glean from the query to show how focusing works.

Original Version:

Dear [Agent's name]

I am seeking representation for my manuscript SHROUDED GODDESS, a 71,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century.

Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula sings like a rainforest bird, but her most marriageable quality is her Peetanguara descent. The so-called Easterner nobility wed red wives to recruit native laborers for the sugarcane fields, and Sophia’s fair, noble cousin needs her in order to claim the family barony. But she would rather drown like her brother than marry someone who keeps trying to take her by force.

When her native grandmother entreats her to awaken Ig, the Water Goddess, and save the rainforest tribes from the conquering Easterners, Sophia leaps at the chance to flee her controlling Easterner relatives. No one has seen Ig for fifty years, since the blond invaders arrived from across the sea. But, disappointingly, the Goddess Sophia awakens turns out to be more interested in Easterner fashion than the devastation of the rainforest and the tribes.

Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophia, Ig’s advice is to seek another deity, a powerful Goddess no one knew existed, and ask her to bring peace to the land once and forever. Ig’s quest will send Sophia deep into the rainforest the Easterners keep burning, and if she doesn’t succeed, marriage to her cousin will be the least of her worries. If she fails, Sophia’s tribe will perish at the hands of the conquerors who married into her family.

With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, SHROUDED GODDESS will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha series.

I was born in Brazil and now live in Florida where I work with science fiction in test tubes at [where I work].

As per your website guidelines, the first chapter and synopsis are pasted below. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
[Redacted]

My Critique: 

Overall:

I like that it’s a fantasy outside of the usual European fare and I know a lot of agents are looking for non-European fantasy. BUT I do think your query needs focusing. You need to remember that the person reading this probably has zero clues about what’s going on here, so you need to make sure everything is understood, or that the query unfolds in a way that’s easier to understand.

The complicated things and terms that get explained in the book can probably be left out of the query.

Also, I feel like your query’s reading too much like a synopsis. (A short one, I know, but a synopsis all the same.) What you want here is a short summary of what makes your story an awesome read. If the agent wants more detail, he/she will ask for it.

Instead, you need to focus your query around the following:

Intro: Who’s Sophia in the beginning of the story? Also, I’d suggest including a bit about her relationship to the Easterners.

Inciting incident: What changes things for Sophia and kicks off the story?

Goal: What is the main goal as a result?

Conflict: What’s preventing her from just achieving the goal?

Stakes: What happens if she fails?

Choice: What choices does she have? (If any.) 

Specific: 

Dear [Agent's name]

I am seeking representation for my manuscript SHROUDED GODDESS, a 71,000 word YA fantasy set in a world that mirrors South America during the Portuguese colonization of the sixteenth century. [I think that, when it comes to catching an agent’s attention, it’s better to het right into the query’s hook. This should be the last or second to last paragraph.]

Seventeen-year-old Sophia de Paula sings like a rainforest bird [Not important], but her most marriageable quality is her Peetanguara descent. [ Means nothing to someone who hasn’t read the book/doesn’t know the mythology.] The so-called Easterner nobility wed red wives to recruit native laborers for the sugarcane fields, [ Is this the explanation of her descent and of her relations with the easterners?] and Sophia’s fair, noble cousin needs her in order to claim the family barony. [Not sure how he could need her so this only confuses things.] But she would rather drown like her brother than marry someone who keeps trying to take her by force. [Interesting, but not relevant to the query.]

When her native grandmother entreats her to awaken Ig, the Water Goddess, and save the rainforest tribes from the conquering Easterners, Sophia leaps at the chance to flee her controlling Easterner relatives. No one has seen Ig for fifty years, since the blond invaders arrived from across the sea. But, disappointingly, the Goddess Sophia awakens turns out to be more interested in Easterner fashion than the devastation of the rainforest and the tribes. [Interesting, but later on, it’s clear that this isn’t technically the inciting incident, which means it’s taking up space in your query without actually adding to it.] 

Apart from bestowing water-controlling powers on Sophia, Ig’s advice is to seek another deity, a powerful Goddess no one knew existed, and ask her to bring peace to the land once and forever. [The inciting incident is in here somewhere.] Ig’s quest will send Sophia deep into the rainforest the Easterners keep burning, and if she doesn’t succeed, [Conflict, but with the above paragraph gone, you could probably make more of it.] marriage to her cousin will be the least of her worries. If she fails, Sophia’s tribe will perish at the hands of the conquerors who married into her family. [Stakes.]

With Avatar waterbending in the rainforest, [I’d cut this.] SHROUDED GODDESS will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha series.

I was born in Brazil and now live in Florida where I work with science fiction in test tubes at [where I work].

As per your website guidelines, the first chapter and synopsis are pasted below. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,
[Redacted]

Rough Draft Query From Gleaned Info:

Dear [Insert Agent Name Here], 

Sophia de Paula might be related to the Easterners invading her rainforests, but as far as she’s concerned, they’re not welcome there. 

She wakes up Ig the Water Goddess to stop them. Instead, Ig sends Sophia into the rainforest in search of another deity she never even knew existed. Finding this goddess might mean ensuring peace for Sophia’s country, but the quest will send Sophia deep into the rainforest while the Easterners are burning it down around her. 

But on the quest she must go, because if Sophia doesn’t bring the goddess back, her tribe will have no defense against the Easterners' weapons.  

It would just have been nice if she was sure the goddess is real. 

SHROUDED GODDESS is a YA Fantasy set in a world based on South America during Portuguese colonization. It is complete at 71,000 words and will appeal to fans of Leigh Bardugo’s Grisha series.

I was born in Brazil and now live in Florida where I work with science fiction in test tubes at [where I work].

The first chapter and synopsis are included below as per submission guidelines. 

Thank you for your time. 

Regards, 

[Redacted]

Anyone have advice to add? Please feel free to critique my query as well and to suggest improvements. 

I'm still taking submissions for critiques. If you're interested, please click here. 

Query Critique - THE PRINCESS OF TYRONE

Original –

Apolline is happy hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter planet. She is a fantastic shot, and doesn’t flinch at the blood and guts of her kills. Never once did she consider she could be the missing Princess of Tyrone.

All her life, she has heard the story of the Princess, cursed to sleep for eternity, unless her betrothed, the Prince of Oran, gave her true love’s kiss. Although Apolline knows she is betrothed, she thinks her fairy guardians arranged it out of ignorance of human ways. The thought she could be a princess is inconceivable.

Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—But he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed, too. Her guardians warn her against her new found friendship, but she and Allard meet in secret anyway. Despite her rough exterior, he sees beyond her gun-slinging bravado, and their love blossoms

.

But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever.

The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Space Opera with Fantasy elements at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner.  

Critique -

Apolline is happy Find a different word than ‘happy’ to avoid alliteration. Plus ‘happy’ is one of those invisible words like ‘beautiful’. The mind glosses over it without seeing it hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter rim? planet. She is a fantastic shot, and doesn’t flinch at the sight of blood and guts of her kills. Never once did does she consider that she’s  could be the missing Princess of Tyrone.

All her life, she’s has heard the story of the Princess, cursed to sleep for eternity, unless until her betrothed, the Prince of Oran, gave gives her true love’s kiss. Although Apolline knows she is betrothed, she thinks her fairy guardians Love this! *still laughing* arranged it out of ignorance of human ways. This sentence needs re-written to make it stronger. Suggestion: But Apolline is betrothed already to a [...], a marriage arranged by her fairy guardians.

The thought she could be a princess is inconceivable. You use the word ‘betrothed’ three times in this query. Can you find a different word to use for one or two of them?

Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—B but he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed, too. Suggestion: He has a fiancée who is fiercely jealous (or some other trait). Her guardians warn her against her about their newfound friendship, but she and Allard meet in secret anyway. A flow/continuity problem develops here.  Suggestion: Her guardians tell her to stay away from Allard, that he isn't right for her. But they meet in secret anyway and he is enchanted. Despite her rough exterior, he sees beyond her gun-slinging bravado, and their love blossoms.

But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever.

The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Space Opera with Fantasy elements at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner.  

I have a problem with the certainty of the Prince of Oran. Is this prince part of the legend? Or is Allard the actual prince? If he is the prince, go ahead and tell the reader.

Suggestions regarding the first two sentences. Try for a little more Voice to really kick stuff into gear. Although this might not fit her character traits or narrative, look for something along this line: Apolline has a job to die for, hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-rim planet. The pay is good and the sight of blood and guts doesn’t faze her. 

The third paragraph has a flow problem connecting two storylines.

Now don’t stress over the abundant red font. This is actually a supremely cool query. Supremely. Cool. I’m dying to know how this turns out.

Any more suggestions followers?

Query Critique - THE SIMPLE TRUTH

Original -

Seventeen-year-old Jesse thought getting beaten and branded out of gang life was the worst thing imaginable. He was wrong.

When a couple of thugs chase him away from the shelter he currently calls home and into a different neighborhood, a woman helps him escape and then offers him a place to stay. Motivated by food, clean clothes, and a shower he accepts, vowing to make a break for it at the first sign of trouble.

Seventeen-year-old Elana has kept quiet about a lot of the changes her mom made after her brother died—a new neighborhood, new school, and new dreams. But when her mom saves a thug from the streets she draws the line. She’s been avoiding scum like Jesse her whole life. But her mom is on a mission and fails to listen, which means war. Jesse’s gotta go. 

But as Jesse and Elana begin to trust each other, they realize they have more in common than avoiding scum: guilt.  Jesse’s guilt over his girlfriend’s death doesn’t allow him to trust his feelings, and Elana’s guilt of surviving her brother has left her ignoring her dream to dance.

When trust begins to turn into something more, Elana’s mom makes it perfectly clear she won’t tolerate a relationship between the two, leaving Jesse with a choice: give in to his feelings for Elana and end up back on the streets, or bury his feelings like he’s buried those he loves.

THE SIMPLE TRUTH, a YA contemporary romance manuscript complete at 60,000 words, is a story about finding truth in dreams, hope, and love.

Query Critique -

Seventeen-year-old Jesse thought getting In my opinion, the word ‘getting’ is a blah verb. Suggestion: Seventeen-year-old Jesse thought gang life, the beatings and branding, was the worst thing imaginable. He was wrong. beaten and branded out of gang life was the worst thing imaginable. He was wrong.

When a couple of thugs chase him away from the shelter that he currently calls home and into a different neighborhood, a the woman that helps him to escape and then offers him a place to stay. Suggestion: When thugs chase him from the shelter that he calls home and into a different neighborhood, the woman that helps him to escape offers him a place to stay.  Motivated by food, clean clothes, and a shower he accepts, vowing to make a break for it at the first sign of trouble.

Seventeen-year-old Elana has kept quiet about a lot of the changes her mom made after her brother died—a new neighborhood, new school, and new dreams. But when her mom saves a thug since you used “thugs” in the previous paragraph, maybe find a different word? from the streets, she draws the line. She’s been avoiding avoided scum like Jesse her whole life. But her mom is on a mission and fails to listen, which means war. Jesse’s gotta go.

But as Jesse and Elana begin to trust each other, they realize they have more in common than avoiding scum: guilt.  Jesse’s guilt over his girlfriend’s death doesn’t allow him to trust his feelings, and Elana’s guilt of surviving her brother has left her ignoring her dream to dance. IMHO, this sentence needs a total re-write. The structure feels forced and there isn’t enough of an inciting element or goal to make the reader want to know more. Suggestion (and this is only an example since I don’t know the storyline): Jesse blames himself for the death of his girlfriend and has trust issues with any new entanglements. Elana has problems of her own. Before her brother’s death, Elana danced, her heart and soul in perfect harmony. Now, why bother?

When trust begins to turns into something more, Elana’s mom makes it perfectly clear she won’t tolerate a relationship between the two, leaving Jesse with a choice: give in to his feelings for Elana and end up back on the streets, or bury his feelings like he’s buried those he loves.

THE SIMPLE TRUTH, a YA contemporary romance manuscript complete at 60,000 words, is a story about finding truth in dreams, hope, and love. 

Followers? Any suggestions?

Ms A. Nonymous's Query

Yay! Seems someone thought I make sense when I'm critting queries. Such a relief, really.

This lady wants to publish the story under a pseudonym, so she doesn't want me to use her name or the manuscript's. Which is perfectly fine by me, by the way.

So...  here's the query:

Tara Stevens is a smart, successful lawyer with a pocketful of humor and a mouth full of sass. But when she finds her husband in their bed with his hands on another woman’s breasts, she is rendered speechless (not an easy task). Her sanity needs a vacation. More like a month long sabbatical. She settles instead for a two-week excursion deep in the Canadian Rockies.

Her handsome rancher turned tour guide, Brooks Buchanan, is as annoying as he is adventurous. But his free lifestyle and love of the outdoors speaks volumes about her own life as an overworked and under appreciated attorney. It is while Tara hangs precariously inside a 50 foot glacial crevasse that she realizes how much she trusts Brooks. Which is more than she can say for her own lyin’, cheatin’ husband.

When unexpected events force Brooks to end the tour early, Tara travels with him to his hometown of Whitefish, Montana. It is out on the Montana range where Tara realizes the steamy attraction she feels for the sexy cowboy and his lopsided grin. She finds real meaning in the phrase, “save a horse, ride a cowboy.”

When Tara’s husband shows up in Montana with a pleading heart and a profuse apology, Tara has a choice to make. Will the love and freedom she feels under the Montana sun be enough to release her from her old life? Or will the invisible threads of loyalty to her job and her husband pull her home?

Okay, so some of you might recognize this query. Ms. A sent it in for Carol to crit last time. I commented that the "pocketful of humor" phrase should be left out if there voice coming over in the query sounds angry and bitter. So... Ms. A mailed me to ask if I could get some of Tara's humor come across more. 

So that's what I tried to do, along with cleaning up the query in general. So... here's my thought process on the query, so you can see where my final version comes from. Sadly, inserting humor is a rewrite sort of thing in a query. 

Just note two things: 

1) I had a sample chapter to work with so that I could get a sense of Tara's voice. 

2) All of my suggestions are merely as to how I'd write the query. I made clear to Ms. A that she'll probably end up being much better than me at bringing voice across, especially if she uses my advice as guidelines. 

Okay. 

Tara Stevens is a smart, successful lawyer with a pocketful of humor and a mouth full of sass. Right. Let's start on the humor. You want to keep this line, so we need to back this up with proof. So in the query, she needs to be funny, or sassy. Without sounding like an embittered cow. Also, I don't think the query's voice matches Tara's voice. Because she is funny in that first chapter, by being right to the point and thinking about it in funny (exaggerated) ways. So that's what I'll try to do here. But when she finds her husband in their bed [with his hands on another woman’s breasts]<--- not to the point, she is rendered speechless (not an easy task). Her sanity needs a vacation. More like a month long sabbatical. She settles [instead] <--- Last word of the sentence. It's a rhythm thing. Alternatively, leave out completely. for a two-week excursion deep in the Canadian Rockies.

Her handsome rancher turned tour guide, Brooks Buchanan, is as annoying as he is adventurous. But his free lifestyle and love of the outdoors speaks volumes about her own life as an overworked and under appreciated attorney. It is while Tara hangs precariously inside a 50 foot glacial crevasse that she realizes how much she trusts Brooks. Which is more than she can say for her own lyin’, cheatin’ husband. Okay... but we can get to the point faster (with voice). And fast is good in queries. 

When [unexpected events force]<-- We don't need a motivation here. Suffice it to say that he goes home, and she follows him/goes with him.  Brooks to end the tour early, Tara travels with him to his hometown of Whitefish, Montana. It is out on the Montana range where Tara realizes the steamy attraction she feels for the sexy cowboy and his lopsided grin. She finds real meaning in the phrase, “save a horse, ride a cowboy.” I love this phrase, really I do, but as part of the query, it creates problems. See, now it looks like her relationship with Brooks is turning into buddies with benefits sort of package. Which is problematic because it turns Tara's dilemma in the final paragraph into a non-choice. Cheating husband aside, no intelligent woman will give up her career for just sex. Because let's face it, if she landed Mr. Sexy Cowboy here, she could just go find another man back home. 

When Tara’s husband shows up in Montana with a pleading heart and a profuse apology, Tara has a choice to make. So about this choice... I now know that she doesn't like her job, and she's got a cheating ass for a husband... so if it's not just about the sex, why wouldn't she stay? Or why wouldn't she and Brooks just talk things out and find a way to make both both choices possible? Because this is the dilemma. The part where we want the agent to reach for sample pages or to request a full manuscript to see what she picks in the end. So we need to make it clear that this decision is hard. Will the love and freedom she feels under the Montana sun be enough to release her from her old life? Or will the invisible threads of loyalty to her job and her husband pull her home? Beware the answer-less questions. They feel like hackneyed attempts at generating fake excitement, when the story should just speak for itself. 

 Still with me lovely people? Awesome. Here's my version of the query, taking into account my comments above. 

Tara Stevens is a smart, successful lawyer with a pocketful of humor and a mouth full of sass, but finding her husband at it with another woman does the impossible: It renders her speechless. Her sanity needs a vacation. More like a month long sabbatical. She settles for a two-week excursion deep in the Canadian Rockies.
Her tour guide, Brooks Buchanan, is gorgeous and adventurous enough to make her forget all about her cheating husband. If only Brooks wasn’t as annoying as hell. 

But hey, nothing makes a girl take stock as fast as hanging on for dear life over a 50 foot glacial crevasse. Brooks definitely can be trusted. Maybe even liked.

Oh, and being a lawyer sucks.

When Brooks has to end the tour early, Tara impulsively travels with him to his hometown of Whitefish, Montana. It’s soon obvious there’s much more to the sexy cowboy than his lopsided grin. In fact, he's giving her every reason to stay forever.

But then Tara’s husband shows up with a pleading heart and a profuse apology, making a mess of everything. Now she’ll have to choose between reality back home and the dream she’d been living in Montana. Because the thing is that everyone has to wake up at some point, and falling for Brooks might be the second biggest mistake she made in her life.

Hope you found this useful, Ms A! 

Thoughts, lovely reader?

Query Crit: Fade Into Me

I'm so glad this came in as my first query to crit, because I've found that this is a mistake most people make with queries. In fact, I made the same mistake again and again until a helpful writing friend rewrote the whole thing to show me how a query really is supposed to work.

So today, I'm doing the same thing again. But first, the query:

Dear ___________,

Everything humans think they know about evolution is a lie. Aliens, called Abhithians, live among them sentenced to watch over and nurture their greatest mistake...

Abhithian Caedan Frey doesn't believe humans will ever evolve enough to see the magic, much less control it. But he is the prince of the Reparation and he must marry a human in order to fulfill an ancient promise. Bitter about his duty, Caedan figures any girl will do. He's about to propose to a girl when his anamchara or soul mate stumbles into--and right out--of his arms. Wonder of wonders, she's human!

Ryanne Killian doesn't believe in love or magic anymore. She just graduated from high school and acted as best man at her crush's wedding. Her life is not going as planned. Then strange colors in the sky draw her to the botanical gardens, and even though she’s vowed to never let anyone into her heart again, she steps straight into the arms of her soul mate. She can feel it, but can she trust it?

When Ryanne has a physical reaction to the magic, Caedan takes her to his world to recover. All of the Abhithians watch her with growing hope as she sees the swirling colors of magic. Ryanne doesn't feel like her growing attraction to Caedan is enough reason to marry him, and she demands to be taken home. Crossing the barrier between worlds causes her to forget everything about the magical realm.

It's time for Caedan to work harder to help Ryanne fall in love with him. Unfortunately, a rival sees this as his chance to steal the throne from Caedan's family. All he has to do is keep the two unlikely lovers separated until after Caedan's birthday.

FADE INTO ME is a contemporary YA Fantasy similar in style to Julie Kagawa's Iron King. My first novel, THE MAGIC WAKES was released by Wido Publishing in 2013.

Thanks for your time and consideration,

[Redacted]

So, ladies and gents, do you see the mistake? It's pretty subtle... 

No? 

Okay. The mistake here is that the query pitch actually resembles a synopsis. 

A synopsis is a more exact rendition of the story, usually a page or two long, listing events of the story in detail. 

A query is the author's first audition with an agent. In it, a writer needs to show-case both writing skill, and the ability to distill a story into its bare bones. Why? Because the agent needs to know within seconds whether or not he/she is interested in reading on. 

As such, any query needs to inform the agent of the following: 

Character intro: Who is the MC and what’s his/her current situation? 

Inciting incident: What happens to really kick the story off? 

Goal: What must be done in reaction to the inciting incident? 

Conflict: What’s keeping the character from achieving the goal? 

Stakes: What happens if it all goes wrong?

You need to answer all of those questions in 250 words or less. 

So with the information I have, I rewrote the query like this: 

Unknown to humans, aliens called Abhithians live among them. Their purpose: to [insert something that leads up to Caedan and his goal to marry.]

Caedan Frey has fulfilled this duty all his life, but that doesn’t exempt him from his duties as the prince of the Reparation. He must marry a human in order to fulfill an ancient promise before his birthday. If he doesn’t, [insert terrible result]. The way he sees it, the sooner he marries, the better, and any girl will do. He's about to propose to someone when his soul mate stumbles into--and right out--of his arms. Wonder of wonders, she's human! 

Ryanne Killian might be his one shot at happiness and Caedan is willing to do anything be with her. But after a disastrous experience with love, Ryanne isn’t willing to give anyone else a chance. 

He’ll need to convince her to marry him within [insert timeframe]. Which is a problem, because a rival for the throne sees his opportunity to get rid of Caedan, and keeping Ryanne away from him is all too easy.

Obviously, this version needs a ton of work (I don't have enough info to actually polish it), but it's a good foundation with which to start. 

But now's the fun part for you, lovely people. If you look at my query, can you find further ways to improve it? 

Query Critique - Contemporary Romance

Original - 
Tara Stevens is a smart, successful lawyer with a pocketful of humor and a mouth full of sass. But when she finds her husband in their bed with his hands on another woman’s breasts, she is rendered speechless (not an easy task). Her sanity needs a vacation. She settles for a two week excursion deep in the Canadian Rockies--a trip her husband Jack-ass has always dreamed about.

Tara initially spurns her male tour guide--handsome rancher, Brooks Buchanan--but grows to admire his skill and love of the outdoors. His free lifestyle speaks volumes to her about her own life as an overworked attorney. It is while Tara hangs precariously inside a 50 foot glacial crevasse that she realizes how much she trusts Brooks. Which is more than she can say for her own husband.

When unexpected events force Brooks to end the tour early, Tara travels with him to his hometown of Whitefish, Montana. It is out on the Montana range where Tara realizes the steamy attraction she feels for the sexy cowboy and his lopsided grin. She finds new meaning in the phrase, “save a horse, ride a cowboy.” 

When Tara’s determined husband shows up in Montana with a pleading heart and profuse apology, Tara has a choice to make. Will the love and freedom she feels under the Montana sun be enough to free her from her old life? Or will the invisible threads of loyalty to her job and her husband pull her home?

Critique - 

Tara Stevens is a smart, successful lawyer with a pocketful of humor and a mouth full of sass. But when she finds her husband in their bed with his hands on another woman’s breasts, she is rendered speechless (not an easy task). Her sanity needs a vacation. She settles for a two-week excursion deep in the Canadian Rockies--a trip her husband Jack-ass has always dreamed about.
Excellent beginning. On most days, I’d say 68 words in the opening paragraph are too much. But this one really caught my interest. Suggestion: She settles for two weeks in the Canadian Rockies. = 20 words cut to 9.

Tara initially spurns her male tour guide--handsome rancher, Brooks Buchanan--but grows to admire his skill (in what?) and love of the outdoors. His free lifestyle speaks volumes to her about her own life as an overworked attorney. (Examples speak louder, IMO) It is while Tara hangs precariously inside a 50 foot glacial crevasse that she realizes how much she trusts Brooks.

Which is more than she can say for her own husband. IMHO, this sentence isn't needed.

When unexpected events force Brooks to end the tour early, Tara travels with him to his hometown of Whitefish, Montana. It is out on the Montana range where Tara realizes the steamy attraction she feels for the sexy cowboy and his lopsided grin. This sentence seems incomplete. Do you mean to use ‘where’ or ‘when’? She finds new meaning in the phrase, “save a horse, ride a cowboy.”  Not so new actually.

Suggestion: combine the two sentences. Out on the Montana range, the steamy attraction she feels for the cowboy and his lopsided grin turns the phrase “save a horse, ride a cowboy” into reality. (36 words cut to 28)

When Tara’s  her determined husband shows up in Montana with a pleading heart and a profuse apology, or: “...and profuse apologies...” Tara has a choice to make. Will the love and freedom she feels under the Montana sun be enough to free her from her old life? Alliterations: freedom, feels, free. Or will the invisible threads of loyalty to her job and her husband pull her home?

Summary: 249 wordcount seems long for the meat of a query. Whenever possible, cut to 200, or even less. Start out with a logline and build from there. Or strikeout words that aren’t absolutely needed for the storyline. But don’t cut the character traits. IMHO, “...a pocketful of humor and a mouth full of sass...” is an excellent introduction to Tara. It sets her right there in front of me. Love it.

Other places to cut are the echos. “...determined husband...” for an example. Note that he “...shows up...” in Montana so therefore, he is determined.

Western genre, especially contemps, are big right now. The market is wide open. Look for a publisher or agent who specializes in this genre. Definitely a winner.

Query Critique - Forever

Original format - 

First, do no harm. It’s an oath Blake Ryan took to become a doctor. Ironic, given that he spent most of his thousand year life sucking souls out of other immortals.

One of them, Aleria had changed that. They’d spent centuries hunting each other, and the day she had him at her mercy, she gave it. She set him straight and let him loose. Even though everyone she cares about wants him to die. He hasn’t let her down yet. And she never returned to kick his ass.

Thanks to regular shots of morphine to keep his inner monster at bay, he’s led a quiet life since WWII. His thrills now come from saving lives, not taking them.

Then Aleria’s wheeled into his hospital ward after a plane crash, and his carefully controlled life teeters on the edge of disaster. Her life is vibrant. Basically, crack to immortals like him. All it would take for her to be killed is for someone immortal to recognize her. Likely, given that she’s infamous in Ryan’s old circles and there are more immortals in New York City than one would think.

She can’t even remember her name, let alone defend herself. Deserting her when she needs help isn’t an option.

Ryan will have to unleash his inner monster to protect her from those who want her dead. Which is a problem, because his inner monster wants her dead most of all.

FOREVER is an Adult Urban Fantasy, complete at 41,000 words.

I’m a published author of a YA Epic Fantasy novel under the pseudonym M. Gerrick. (The Vanished Knight, published by Etopia Press.)

Critique - 

First, do no harm. It’s an oath Blake Ryan took to become a doctor. Ironic, given that he spent most of his thousandth year life sucking souls out of other immortals.

Oh, heck yeah.

Suggestion: “First, do no harm. The oath Blake Ryan took to become a doctor seemed out of place [or another attribute]. And so ironic given that he’d spent most of his thousandth year sucking souls out of other immortals.”

One of them, the immortals, Aleria had changed that. They’d spent centuries hunting each other, and the day she had him at her mercy, she gave it. She set him straight and let him loose. Even though everyone she cares about wants [I’d change this to ‘wanted’, IMHO]  him to die. [Or, “...his death”] He hasn’t let her down yet. And she never returned to kick his ass. Okay, this last sentence barfed me out of the story. Total confusion.

Thanks to regular shots of morphine to keep that keeps his inner monster at bay, he’s led a quiet life since WWII. His thrills now come from saving lives, not taking them.

*actual chills here. Zowie. Good job*

Then Aleria is wheeled into his hospital ward after a plane crash, and his carefully controlled life teeters on the edge of disaster.

Suggestion: “Then a nurse [orderly?] wheels Aleria into his hospital ward...”

Her life is vibrant. Basically, crack to immortals like him.

Sentence structure needs cleaned up a bit. Suggestion: Her life is vibrant. To immortals like him, her soul is like crack to a druggie.

All it would take for her to be killed death is for someone an immortal to recognize her. Likely, given that she’s infamous in Ryan’s old circles and there are more immortals in New York City than one would think. This last sentence needs a major overhaul. Suggestion: And since she is infamous in Ryan’s old circles, that prospect is more likely than not.

She can’t even remember her name, let alone defend herself. Deserting her when she needs help isn’t an option.

Ryan will have to unleash his inner monster to protect her from those who want her dead. Which is a problem, because his inner monster wants her dead most of all.

*falling down and panting*

FOREVER is an Adult Urban Fantasy, complete at 41,000 words.

I’m a published author of a YA Epic Fantasy novel under the pseudonym M. Gerrick. (The Vanished Knight, published by Etopia Press.)

Summary: A fantastic query with a life all its own. My suggestions are In-My-Humble-Opinion only and not carved in stone. Use accordingly.

Conclusion: hell yes, I’d read more. Sincerely drooling here.

Query Critique - Sunrise

Original format:
As you are looking to add to your inventory for Castle Gate Press, I believe I have a novel that may interest you, especially in light of your strong interest in YA. Set in the small Texas town of Briar Ridge, Sunrise combines family drama with paranormal romance and supernatural suspense similar to Becca Fitzpatrick and Erin Healy, and is complete at approximately 83,000 words. It is the first book of a planned trilogy.

When your world goes dark, can you wait until sunrise or will you give in to the darkness?

For eighteen-year old Parker, a protective big brother who dreams of glory on the high school football field, his entire world went dark the night of the shooting. In a chilling span of sixty seconds, his life and that of his family are changed forever.

Although hailed a hero in the immediate aftermath, Parker makes a shocking discovery that his actions from the past provided a motive for the killings. Overcome with guilt, he begins to spiral downward, drifting further and further from the life he once knew. But when revenge is sought and Parker's life and soul are in danger, help comes from an unexpected source … an angel named Marie.

A spunky, impulsive guardian, Marie has dedicated herself to saving Parker at all costs. When confronted by a sinister nemesis, she finds herself caught in a desperate struggle over Parker’s fate while facing her growing, but secret affections for him that she can no longer ignore. But when she takes matters into her own hands, will it cause more harm than good? Can she help Parker find redemption and forgiveness or will she lose him to the darkness forever?

Receiving third place in the YA/Speculative category of the 2013 Writers of the Storm Category 5 writing contest, Sunrise is my debut YA novel.

By way of background, I was raised a PK (preacher’s kid) and played high school football in a small town in Texas. I’m a former high school football coach, law school graduate, and current State government employee. I’m also a member of American Christian Fiction Writers. I currently reside in the suburbs of Austin, Texas with my wife and two young, precocious daughters - who enthusiastically assist my search for the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

Per your submission guidelines, a brief synopsis and the first ten pages are included below.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kindest regards,

My Critique:

As you are looking to add to your inventory for Castle Gate Press, I believe I have a novel that may interest you, especially in light of your strong interest in YA. 

As a first sentence, a 32-wordcount is way long.

Suggestion: In light of your interest in YA, I believe my novel will add to your list at Castle Gate Press. (20 words)

Set in the small Texas town of BriarRidge, Sunrise combines family drama with paranormal romance and supernatural suspense similar to Becca Fitzpatrick and Erin Healy, and is complete at approximately 83,000 words.

Ditto my earlier comment. 33 word count = too long

It is the first book of a planned trilogy.

Some agents/editors want this info. Some don’t. If research shows the agent is interested in this tidbit, put it in. Otherwise, don’t add to the query.

When your world goes dark, can you wait until sunrise or will you give in to the darkness?

A little bit vague. I get no picture in my mind about this sentence. Also, careful with the questions. I don’t have a problem with it, but some agents roll their eyes and hit delete if they see a question.

For eighteen-year old Parker, a protective big brother ‘big brother’ is all I need to know who with dreams of glory on the high school football field, his entire world went dark the night of the shooting.

Suggestion: Eighteen-year-old Parker, big brother and [another attribute here] dreams of glory on the high school football field. But on the night of the shooting, his world turns dark.

In a chilling span of sixty seconds, his life and that of his family are changed forever.

Spell out what you mean in the last sentence. Don’t make the reader guess. Suggestion: In the span of sixty seconds, death changes his life and his family’s into a wasteland of emotions [or another attribute].

Although hailed a hero an alliteration. Try: “...called a hero...” in the immediate why immediate? Does his status change later on? aftermath, Parker makes a shocking discovery that his actions from the past provided a motive for the killings.

To avoid the guessing game and cut clichés, my suggestion: “...After friends and family calls him a hero, Parker is horror struck when he discovers his actions played a part in the killings...”

Overcome with guilt, he begins to spiral downward, drifting further and further from the life he once knew.

This needs specificity.  Try not to fall into clichés. Suggestion: Grief causes him to turn away from friends and family. When they intervene, he pushes them away and contemplates suicide. [I am only guessing here. Be sure to provide your own consequence]

But when revenge is sought and Parker's life and soul are in danger, help comes from an unexpected source … an angel named Marie.

Now, here is excellent information, the meat of the story. Love it. My advice, try for a different sentence structure here: “...But when revenge is sought and Parker’s life and soul are in danger...”

The last half, for the love of Pete, KEEP. Excellent.

A spunky, impulsive guardian, Marie has dedicated herself to saving Parker at all costs. When confronted by a sinister nemesis, she finds herself caught in a desperate struggle over Parker’s fate while facing her growing, but secret affections for him that she can no longer ignore.

Dang but you do love these long sentences. Cut. Specify.

But when she takes matters into her own hands, will it cause more harm than good? Can she help Parker find redemption and forgiveness or will she lose him to the darkness forever?

A little vague. And again, careful with the questions. Remember, for every person who might be intrigued, there is another who answers the question flippantly.

Receiving third place in the YA/Speculative category of the 2013 Writers of the Storm Category 5 writing contest, Sunrise is my debut YA novel.

Super info but regarding "...my debut YA novel...", unless you have another book out that isn't a YA and you want the agent to know this is a different genre, do not, DO NOT say this is your debut novel. EvEr.

By way of background, I was raised a PK (preacher’s kid) and played high school football in a small town in Texas. I’m a former high school football coach, law school graduate, and current State government employee. I’m also a member of American Christian Fiction Writers. I currently reside in the suburbs of Austin, Texas with my wife and two young, precocious daughters - who enthusiastically assist my search for the perfect combination of chocolate and peanut butter.

If research shows an agent/editor likes a bio such as this, include it. Just do the research first. Some might skip this as unnecessary to the novel, especially when it is fiction. Non-fiction is a totally different kinda pie. It needs a platform. 

Love the chocolate/ peanut butter reference, btw.

Per your submission guidelines, a brief synopsis and the first ten pages are included below.

Good, good. Always let the agent/editor know that you read the submission guidelines. And what you have included in the query.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

A good 'Thank you'.

Kindest regards,

Summary: Careful with tense. The meat of a query should be present.

Ditch as many adjectives/adverbs as possible, if not all.

Use care when invoking questions. Some use that occasion to give smart alec answers.

A little long for a query. The meat of the query is 209 words, not too bad. But if the rest is included, the wordcount is 415.

Use short sentences interspersed with long ones. It is like the structure in a poem or a limerick. It gives symmetry. Don't worry about incomplete sentences, btw. "It just doesn't matter." - Bill Murray, Meatballs.

Conclusion: I would read on. Especially if given more information. Love the angel.