The purpose of a query, and writing one

A query is a brief, interesting introduction to your novel. The purpose of a query is to entice the agent/editor to ask you for more. Queries are also useful for hooking potential beta readers. Queries are not to be confused with "back cover blurbs" or synopses. Queries are short -- 250 words is pushing it. 200 is better. And queries have a lot of work to do.

Agents and editors are a very particular audience. They know the genre -- probably better than you do. They've read a lot, and they've pretty much seen it all. They do not have time to waste. So let's not waste time either. Here's what you need to know about your story:

The main plot
Not the story. "A girl masters her magical powers" is the story. "Kate accepts the duties of healer to the prince during his secret mission across the dangerous mountains" is a plot. During the mission, she begins to master her magical powers -- a plot is the specific process by which a story happened. There are a million ways for a girl to master her magical powers. My story uses this one, and that's what the query needs to communicate.

The main character
This character is the focus of the main plot and the query. But I have an ensemble cast and they're all important. Sometimes two characters can fit into a query, but never three. You barely have time to tell your reader about the main character and the main plot -- everything else potentially adds confusion. Editors and agents don't have time to sort it things out. They'll just hit delete and read the next query.

In your query, you need to tell the reader:
This is an INTERESTING CHARACTER with a PROBLEM that he or she is DOING SOMETHING ABOUT despite the danger.

If you can't pin down why your character is interesting, what the (one) serious problem is, or what clear and reasonable things she's doing to fix it... you may have structural problems in the story (and I find writing a query useful for pointing that out to myself.)

So much to explain, so little time
There are going to be some things you absolutely must explain so that the above facts make some kind of sense. To go back to my plot statement -- Kate accepts the duties of healer to the prince during his secret mission across the dangerous mountains -- I have to pick out the most important things to spend words on. Who's Kate? What are a healer's duties? Who's the prince? Why a secret mission? Why the dangerous mountains?

Which of those questions is the most important? Which needs the most explaining? IMO: the secret mission. We also need a little explanation of why Kate is an interesting and sympathetic character. And if I have words left, I'll spend them on explaining the danger in the mountains.

Why nothing on the prince? He's a prince. People have a pre-packaged concept of what princes are and what they do, thanks to popular culture. And no, it's not entirely accurate to the prince in my story but it's close enough for a query. If a reader can't glean story potential from a teenage girl and a prince together on a dangerous journey, I can't help them in 200 words.

Canned phrases = deadly
In some places, "back cover blurbs" are used as examples of writing queries. Bear in mind, though, that back cover blurbs are written for a very broad audience -- anybody who might pick up the book. It needs to get its ideas across quickly to people who may not be familiar with the genre. To do this, many blurbs fall back on canned phrases that everybody recognizes. "She only wanted a normal life." "He struggles to overcome his past." "Her world turns upside-down."

Agents and editors are a very specific audience of experienced, jaded readers. Canned phrases are always vague, and vague does not tell the agent/editor why they should not hit delete and read the next query. Everyone's heard the joking movie trailer line: "In a world where..." Ever noticed that movie trailers don't use that phrase anymore? They know it's an over-used, canned phrase and it's deadly.

Keep revising
Queries are never right the first time. They are rarely right by the fifth draft, for that matter. This is normal. Post your queries here for feedback and keep revising.

Crit again. If you please

Same as yesterday with two additional questions.

• How old is this person?
• Male or female?
• Are you interested in this character?  
• Does this work as an opening?
• What genre do you think it is?

Thank you for your comments.

Chapter One

The Wizard

I had a good forty winks going when the teacher’s drone filtered into my brain. After he said the word ‘wizard’, I sat up and took notice. He saw me and scrunched his face into a sour-lemon grimace. I didn’t bother raising my hand.

“You said magicians use fake crap to do their tricks, make elephants disappear, whatever. But you don’t know that.”

“Cord.” His voice held a warning. But like I cared.

I flipped a negligent hand at the world. “You can’t explain all of it, not without proof.”

“Show me proof it exists, then.”

“Man, that’s like saying prove your innocence.”

The teacher narrowed his eyes as if numbering my days on earth. Someone behind me snickered.

“Cord, the science is incontrovertible,” the teacher said from between clenched teeth. “The physics alone make it impossible—”

Questions You Should Be Prepared For

Pitching your story to agents should be a pleasant and exciting thing. We all know it shouldn't be like this...

Now, shut up and listen while I tell you about my story.

H.G. Wells, Warehouse 13.

But sometimes we come across this way because we worry over our pitches (or queries if you never pitch) all the time. Take a deep breath and relax. Remember that the agent wants to hear about your story. Pretend you're talking to your best friend about your book, but be more concise and stick to just the main plot. The agent/publisher needs to know what's at stake and why they should care.

But what happens after you give your pitch?

If you've done your job crafting and practicing the pitch, there should be a couple of minutes for the agent to ask questions about your story or you. This is a great opportunity to show your professionalism and level of preparation.

Here are some of the questions commonly asked:

What makes your book different from others?

What is your favorite part of the story?

Why did you choose _____? (the names you chose, a certain plot device, age of the character, you can fill in the blank here with hundreds of things. Why Sendek?<--That's the question that took me by surprise last week. My lame answer was, "I don't remember really. I picked it eight years ago.")

What is it about your MC that you love the most?

What published books are like yours?

Who is your audience?

Do you have a marketing plan? What is it?

Do you see this as a stand alone, or as part of a larger series?

Do you have any questions about (our agency/publishing house)?

Why did you choose to query me?

Do you have an online presence? Tell me about it.

What other questions have you been asked?

Pitch #5

Title: The Way to Dendara
Genre: Fantasy

Lucy Akker, a young woman with bad dreams and a tragic past, has just
inherited a magic kingdom. Unfortunately, it's not the kingdom with the
fairies and elves and wood sprites. It’s the other one, the one with the
trolls and goblins and a half brother who’d like nothing better than the
throne for himself.

For Lucy, the hardest part will not be ruling the kingdom; it will be
keeping it.

Pitch #4

Title: Unknown
Genre: MG

How does Joseph Graham Elementary's resident bully, Benjamin Kelly, who has trouble spelling his own name, get into the fourth grade spelling bee semi-finals?  That's what Tanner Sims and his friends want to know. Their search for the truth puts them against the principal, reveals a friend's secret they must protect, and makes them targets of the bully who doesn’t appreciate them sticking their noses where they don’t belong.

Pitch #3

Title: FOR WANT OF A PIGLET
Genre: Epic Fantasy

For want of a piglet, the betrothal was lost and a girl was instead apprenticed to the kingdom’s master healer.

For want of an ally against the monstrous armies of a hungry empire, a fellowship was put under the care of the healer’s apprentice and sent into ice-bound wilderness. The mission tangles her fate with a ne’er-do-well knight and the kingdom’s only prince.

Her magic can’t heal the wounds they’ve inflicted on each other, but it’s her duty to keep them alive when the empire comes to destroy the kingdom.

Pitch #2

Title: Uriel's Fall
Genre: Fantasy
Word Count: 90,000

Ronnie’s job is to separate shadows from the humans they possess. It
should be easy, except the shadows are whispering in their holding
cell: her head. The gods know more than they’re telling her, and if
she takes too long to figure out the truth her descent into madness
will become a one-way trip.

Pitch #1

Title: Of Wishes Made

Genre: YA, paranormal

Shamira Kelley wants normalcy, college and a boyfriend. But she is a product of selective breeding, an Eversor. A Destructor. With little effort, she can control anything. Anyone. It is trust that comes hard. Especially when Faelan appears. Then she must decide if he is truly on her side or only using her like so many before him.

Call for Pitch Submissions

Just a reminder to send in your pitches (around 100 words) to charity.bradford@gmail.com.

Yesterday we had the comment that people "might might be getting sick of my submissions! (same old story, ha!)"

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE take advantage of every opportunity you have to get feedback. Most of us work on the same story for a long time. Carol started this blog because it's so hard to find people willing to look at your work and give an honest opinion on what's working and what isn't. Right now Unicorn Bell is new and our number of submissions is small.

Take advantage of this!

If you want to become a published author, no matter which path you choose, you must get eyes on your writing. You guys can submit the exact same 250 word opening as many times as you want if you still want another opinion on it.

Also, your book does not have to be finished before you work on your pitch. Many people start with a pitch before they start writing the book.

So send in those pitches people!

Pitch that Book!

What's your book about?

It's funny how that one question can thrill and terrify you all at once isn't it? As writers we love to talk about our story, but sometimes we go on and on until that glazed look comes over the listener. Now if an agent asked you what your book was about this would be a disaster, right?

Today we will talk about how to streamline your answer, or "pitch", in order to get the information across and still keep the listener interested. Hopefully. ;)

In order to sell a novel you need three different-sized pitches: a one or two page synopsis, a one paragraph pitch, and a two sentence pitch, which you could recite if you managed to trap an agent or editor in an elevator with you. They actually call these two sentences an "elevator pitch," or sometime a "logline pitch," a term that comes from screenwriting. (Hilari Bell -sfwa member)

This is often one of the hardest things we have to do as writers. The good news is we can create these pitches and try them on the people around us. The next time a friend or family member asks, "What's your book about again?" You give the short and to the point pitch. Keep practicing it until you've got it down pat. Then if you ever do run into an agent, or score a pitch session at a conference, you'll be ready!

How do you write a pitch?

Just like everything else, there are no hard and definite rules. However, there are certain guidelines or tips that are good to keep in mind.

Tip #1:
Keep it short. Remember, we don't want to confuse the listener with all the little subplots that make us giddy. A pitch is like the query, we just want to entice them to read the story.

Tip #2:
Begin by setting up the situation. Since I write science fantasy and fantasy, I usually start with a bit of world building: "Sendek is a world rich with a magical heritage the people have forgotten in favor of science and technology". You don't have to start this way, and it may be preferable not to. Who knows for sure?

Now, I finish that sentence with an introduction to my main character: "but Talia Shannon's prophetic dreams foretell an invasion by scaled humanoids."

Tip #3:
Tell what the MAIN conflict is. Remember, don't bog things down with all the little subplots, even if its the subplots that make you giddy. Here's my example:

"Caught between her job as a scientist and her magical nature, Talia struggles to warn her people without revealing her source of information while trying to prove to the handsome Major Sutton that she is not a traitor to the crown."

Tip #4:
Feel free to add a hook. This all depends on what type of pitch you are working on, but really all pitches should be a/the hook.

"The arrival of the invading force makes one thing desperately clear--science cannot save them and magic is now their only hope."

Here is the complete pitch which weighs in at just 99 words:

Sendek is a world rich with a magical heritage the people have forgotten in favor of science and technology, but Talia Shannon's prophetic dreams foretell an invasion by scaled humanoids. Caught between her job as a scientist and her magical nature, Talia struggles to warn her people without revealing her source of information while trying to prove to the handsome Major Sutton that she is not a traitor to the crown.

The arrival of the invading force makes one thing desperately clear--science cannot save them and magic is now their only hope.

Now it's your turn. Send your 100 word pitches to charity.bradford@gmail.com, I'll post them here this week and everyone can help you streamline and polish it. 

Then it will be up to you to practice on the people you meet.

#3 One-Line Pitch Example

Title: Of Oak & Daemons
Genre: Urban Fantasy

After inheriting a preternatural rapier, Lee Amber Sterling accepts talking swords and daemons are real; accepting she is at war with the daemons is where she draws the line.

#2 Three-Line Pitch Example

Title: Sendek
Genre: Science Fantasy
Word Count: 87,000

Sendek is a world rich with a magical heritage the people have forgotten in favor of science and technology, but Talia Shannon's prophetic dreams foretell an invasion by scaled humanoids. Caught between her job at the Space Exploration Foundation and her magical nature, Talia struggles to find a way to warn her people without revealing her source and at the same time prove to the handsome Commander Sutton that she is not a traitor to the crown.

The arrival of the invading force makes one thing desperately clear--science cannot save them and magic is now their only hope.

#1 Three-Line Pitch Example

My three-line pitch that I submitted to the contest at Savvy Authors:

Title: The Magic Withheld

Genre: Urban Fantasy

Romance is difficult enough between humans but for wizards like Justus Aubre it can be lethal when their runaway emotions cause cities to burn. He avoids romantic entanglements but when another mage stumbles into his bar, an impossible relationship develops and his choices narrow down to losing what he values most or gaining a power he did not want.

Elevator Pitches, Loglines, and Two Giveaways

This is your chance to win my all-time favorite guide for stylistic writing, Writing Tools by Roy Peter Clark. Easy and fun to read, he gives strategies and examples for the aspiring and professional author. This book never strays from my keyboard.

Also, I am offering a critique of your First Chapter.

Two winners for Unicorn Bells followers. Comment here. Link back to UB from your blog or Twitter account. If you prefer one prize to the other, let me know. Otherwise, the book is First Prize and the Critique is the second.

Now onto Elevator Pitches or Loglines, or How to Boil That Novel Down to its Bare Bones.

If you had one minute to tell me about your book, how would you start?

Let me give you a hint, if you began with, “Um, well…” You. Are. Screwed.

The Pitch can be one, two, or three sentences. It is a marketing tool. It is a hook. It is an introduction to your story.

It is vital.

Begin with an introduction. Who is your protag? Give me a name and a spare description to convey the setting, approximate age, and a character trait. One sentence.

Now, what is the conflict, your MC’s biggest inner dilemma? Specific, original details highlight your story and make it unique. One sentence.

The last sentence must leave the reader wanting more, the consequences if the MC fails to attain his or her goals. One sentence.

Now highlight the words your pitch simply cannot do without to create a one-sentence pitch.

In my research for this post, I ran across several examples of pitches. This is from Douglas Clegg:

"In this tale of swords, sorcery, and vampires, a boy grows to manhood in a brutal medieval world. Rising in his station through his talent as a falconer, he falls in love with the baron's daughter -- but when their love is found out, he is forcibly conscripted into the Crusades. There, despairing of life, he seeks death -- and finds his destiny as a messiah of vampires in the bloody embrace of a female vampire called Pythia.

Filled with ancient buried kingdoms, battles against the Saracens, as well as a quest for a legendary Priest of Blood who will bring power to this falconer, this is the first book of a proposed dark fantasy trilogy called The Vampyricon."

Even though the author went on to say this pitch needed improvement, his example sold me. I bought the book. Is it any good? I don’t know, not yet. The point is, the pitch alone created interest and it worked as a marketing tool.

Submit your Elevator Pitch to cdcoff(at)gmail(dot)com and I will post them for an open critique by members.

Comment here to win Writing Tools or a First Chapter Critique.

Link to Unicorn Bell from your blog or Twitter account.


You have until Thursday, July 14th, at 11:59 pm to enter. I will announce the two winners on Friday, July15th.

Good luck to all!