This godawful query was my first attempt. And yes, I actually sent this excrement to agents. *facepalm*
Comments are in red.
As a first
time author, I am submitting a fantasy novel for your examination.
Never
ever say this is your first effort as a writer.
As a
life-long enthusiast of fantasy (is there any other kind?), I am delighted the
current market seems very hungry for books about the supernatural and
paranormal.
Who
cares? Honestly, that sentence is a waste time.
I am
impressed by the diversity of clients your agency represents. I aspire to be
listed among your clients one day.
Well
duh. Why else would you write this letter.
My
synopsis follows:
ACK! Query, not ‘synopsis’.
Dragons have
walked in the midst of human kind for thousands of years, their stolen human
bodies blending in with the populace.
They have
always been opposed by the Masters, men who have bonded in symbiotic
partnership with a supernatural sword, the Rapier.
Poor sentence structure.
Only this
time, the new Master is not what the Dragon was expecting.
This time, the
Rapier has bonded with a woman.
When Lee (bad
spelling choice for a heroine. Later I changed it to ‘Leah’) hears the voice in her head telling her she is now
the Master of a black and gold Rapier, she wonders why she should listen, especially
when the tall black-eyed handsome stranger suddenly appears at her door.
Too many words.
And the Rapier
must adjust to the growing interest Lee has for the Dragon that has come to
kill her.
This is the
first of an intended four novels. It is approximately 92,000 words with the
title of, “Rapier”. I am
currently writing the second novel and editing the outlines of the third and
fourth novels.
Doh! Most agents want a completed novel and don’t care about the ‘intent’ of an unknown, unpublished writer.
Thank you
very much for your time and the opportunity of submitting a fantasy manuscript.
Heh, heh. Thanks for sharing Huntress!
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure. Er...never mind.
DeleteI commiserate. I've read over my first attempt and wonder what the hell I was thinking. I think I put everything, including the kitchen sink, in it. :) Hopefully I'm getting better. Hopefully...
ReplyDeleteI still struggle with not putting everything in there.
DeleteIt does get better.
DeleteAt least you didn't make the mistake of calling it a romance when it has a bittersweet ending, not a happy one. Apparently it doesn't qualify without that. *oops* ^_^
ReplyDeleteSometimes I HATE having to label our novels. "This is a good story" should suffice, right?
DeleteUrban fantasy or paranormal romance? Fantasy or magical realism? Sometimes I flip a coin to choose :)
DeleteIt's Paranormal with romantic (and a bit of historical) elements. Apparently. I wonder if I could get away with calling it a Bittersweet Paranormal Romance?
DeleteAt least most of the others fall under the 'easy' category of being either Fantasy or Science Fantasy.
Goodness knows what I'll wind up calling the one that's part historical, part ... paranormal, I suppose, since it's got gods and reincarnation ... and all romance.
I cringe to look at my early queries and submissions. I can't believe I thought some of those manuscripts were ready.
ReplyDeleteThat is the rub isn't it? Early in our careers we don't realize how much we can improve.
DeleteIt's all a part of the learning process. Cringing that is, LOL.
DeleteI'm glad I never saved my early attempts. They were so so awful. But thanks for sharing :)
ReplyDeleteI lost my first attempt at a query when my hard drive died on me. Probably due to acute indigestion.
DeleteIt's the query that is hard for me. I haven't been able to nail it according to all the feed back I've had. So I am a super excited about the next few days:) I can't wait!
ReplyDeleteFrom newbie to established author, writers never stop learning their craft.
DeleteAin't that the truth. I've been writing for fifteen years and I'm still learning. ^_^
DeleteVery brave of you to share! :)
ReplyDeleteHey, we all need a good laugh now and then
DeleteCould have been worse; you could have forgot to add the basic plot.
ReplyDeleteNot well written, but has intriguing aspects. But we all have to learn, and mistakes is the quickest lessons. Thanks for sharing this.
......dhole
It did got better. When you start at the bottom, there's nowhere to go but up.
DeleteAs usual I'm a day late and a dollar short, but trying to catch up. First, Huntress thanks so much for the share. Second, why is it that we can crank out 80 - 100,000 words of a story and a 250 word query is so hard? Third, I can see how much I need this.
ReplyDeleteWe all need this. And I wish I knew why writing a query is so difficult. It is one of the mysteries of the universe I think.
DeleteOh Huntress! I admire your courage. This is a decent example, but it really isn't THAT bad. You should see some of my early examples.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI too am looking forward to these Query days! It's a strange new world for me! :) Thanks for sharing Huntress! We can only learn from our, and others bravery!
ReplyDeleteNever stop learning. Never. Even as one of the moderators on Unicorn Bell, I am soaking up these posts like a dry sponge.
DeleteYay, UB! Onward!
hmmm I wonder if this advice applies to resumes?
ReplyDelete