Far Away Eyes: Chapter 3

Today's submission is from Barbara from Far Away Eyes:

“Momma, do you remember what it was like to be fifteen?” I say in my most controlled voice, when I would rather be screaming at her. She is not going to let me go to the Baylor’s party, I know it.

“Hey beautiful girls,” Daddy says as he comes through the kitchen door from the back porch. Momma turns her stare on him, and I give him what I hope is my sweetest smile.

“Is there a problem?” Daddy asks.

[“Sandra thinks she should go to that party at the Baylor’s. We’ve discussed this over and over and I still feel the same. I don’t trust the Baylor boy, and I think Sandra is too young to run with that crowd,” Momma says.

“Now, Anne, it’s not the Baylor boy we want to place our trust in, is it? The question is whether or not we trust Sandra. I do. Don’t you?” Daddy asks and smiles first at Momma and then at me.

“Stanley, you know that’s not the point. Even a good girl like Sandra can easily be talked into doing things that go against everything she has been taught, under certain circumstances.”

Daddy looks at her and sighs. “Anne, you cannot control everything. This is one of those things that…,” Daddy stops mid-sentence. ]¹

I look over at Momma and see her normal [‘do not mess with me’]² look replaced with one of complete contempt.

“Sandra, Dee is tied up in the barn. Can you take her up to the low pasture and turn her out for me?” Daddy asks.

“Yes, Daddy. I’ll grab a sweatshirt, and go right out,” I say.

Momma is busy staring Daddy down. She’s good at that. [When she does, her look is pure mean.]³ I suppose at one time you would have called her pretty. Rich brown hair, which I did not get and those piercing green eyes that I did. Even after three babies she’s still slender. She can fit into my jeans, but hers are two sizes bigger. Heaven forbid, someone should think she has a waist or hips under all that denim. We do wear the same size shirt, but here it’s necessary to add to many layers everyone looks like a lumberjack. She and Daddy are so different. He’s so kind. I can’t imagine what keeps them together. She supports every decision he makes, but she doesn’t lift a finger to help out on the ranch. The kitchen and the kids are her responsibility, at least that’s what Daddy says.

Upstairs I grab a sweatshirt and pull it over my head as I come out of my room. I can hear them talking through the vent from the kitchen.

“She and Daniel Abernathy spend days out in the hay fields when we’re mowing. You never have a problem with that. Don’t you think they could have their clothes off and back on again before either one of us could walk out there to see why the tractor stopped?” Daddy asks.

“It’s not Daniel I’m worried about,” Momma replies.

“Maybe not, but he will be at this party too. Don’t you think he would take the Baylor boy apart before he would let him lay a hand on Sandra?” Daddy asks.

“You have a point. That poor kid is so crazy in love with her, I almost feel sorry for him,” Momma says.

This has a great teenage voice. I was a bit jarred by the present tense to start out with, but once I got into the rhythm of the piece, I didn't notice it. Otherwise:

1. I wonder if her parents would spell out their discussion like that. I would think they would do more shorthand with each other.
2. Full quotes: "do not mess with me"
3. That is such a great line.

Do I sense a love triangle brewing? 

What do you think?  

Golden Dawn: Chapter 3

Today's submission is from Aldrea from Golden Dawn: 

He entered the room, relieved to find his memory had proven true. Before him sat and hung the old cages full of tiny birds. He'd [help build]¹ each wire frame and, looking upon them after so many years, a flush of pride filled him at the sight of them still whole. His gaze swung to the far end of the room where Ștefan stood with his caped back facing Herald.²

He grit his teeth as his father feigned ignorance of his presence. Ștefan knew he was here from the moment Herald opened the door. Herald traipsed the length of the room, halting a good dozen or so paces away. "Father," he murmured, then stood to attention, waiting to be acknowledged.³

"You return so soon, my boy." His father turned. One of the small birds was perched on his hand. A sparrow, perhaps; it looked plain enough. "Rarely do I see you after sunrise. What troubles you?" Ștefan stared at the bird as if the question were meant for its little ears.

For some reason his father adored the tiny, feathered creatures. Herald didn't see the reasoning behind the affection. It didn't fit with his father's usual requirements for personal entertainment. They weren't big enough for a meal, they'd little in the way of will to snap and, most importantly, their tiny hearts gave out at the slightest hint of torture. ⁴

Herald looked about the room, marking how many feathered lives filled the cages. More prisoners. Be it birds or people, his father did have a liking for incarceration. At least the birds had the good fortune to die of old age.

"An angel, father?" he said, forcing his mind to focus on the woman still trapped in the tower. Could he really call it a woman? Weren't angels meant to be without a gender? His treacherous thoughts fast recalled the subtle curves under her gown, his face warming. Definitely female. "Are you trying to get us all killed?" Images of the castle being attacked from the sky filled his mind, shunting aside the previous, glorious vision. Is that why I'm here? When it came to commanding warriors, only his brother had surpassed him. Protecting the valley from men was easy. Was it even possible to defend against angels?

"So you've met your task." His father smiled at the bird, stroking the frail breast with a thumb. "Do not be so concerned, Herald. She has been here a while."

A while? That didn't say much. To his father a while could mean anything from three centuries back, to last week. "Exactly how long?" The desire to know pulled the words from his throat before he'd a chance to stop them.

His father's dark brow twitched at his commanding tone, pale lips narrowing and speaking his father's displeasure louder than any words could've done.

Herald flinched under that stare. Younger siblings had died for lesser defiance. Where had the insolence to speak in such a fashion to his father come from?

Great ambiance. I'm so afraid of this father figure. He seems like a bad dude.

1. helped build?
2. Great setup. This is not a cozy chapter.
3. And now we know these two don't have the best relationship.
4. Curious. We really get a glimpse of this man through his fascination with the birds.

This is a very dark chapter. Definitely setting something up.

What do you think?  

The Legacy of the Eye: Chapter 3

Our third submission comes from Patricia from her SF novel The Legacy of the Eye: 

Chapter 3—Graduation

Catrine walked into the main auditorium through the door by the stage. [The room was larger than any other she had been in at the Academy. The ceiling was two stories high like the council meeting room, but the arched windows overlooking the Center Gardens spanned the entire height. Catrine looked towards the teal flowerbeds and a longing pulled at her chest. She had not seen the park for two weeks and she missed it.

Her attention turned to those attending the ceremony. As a group, the audience rivaled the flowers. Instructors also wore the same basic uniform of the Academy, but in vivid colors to represent their areas of expertise. Seeing the faculty and graduates arranged by department reminded Catrine of the rainbow pattern of the Center Gardens.]¹

Most of the one hundred students graduating that day faced the stage and Catrine caught sight of David slouching in the front row next to Julian. Maryanne and Solana also were already there.

Catrine walked towards them and took the seat on David's left. “I’m assuming they want us in alphabetical order.”

He straightened in his chair. “All they told me was that governance students got front row. [You’re late, by the way.”]²

“I was rewriting the Tutor Program contract. Why didn’t you come get me?”

He looked towards the stage. “I thought you had already left. You, of all people, should have been the first one here.”

Catrine had been [speculating about her royal birth for the past two weeks.]³ Uncharacteristically, David had refused to give any opinion. His determination not to talk about the subject had dimmed its importance in her mind. Right now, all she wanted was to get through the ceremony.

Gerald and the council walked onto the stage. Silence filled the room as the Head of the Academy stepped forward. “Graduates, we have gathered here today to celebrate your accomplishments. We have invited your parents to participate in this event, and many are in attendance. Please do not judge those who could not make it. Travel around the Tetracoil Galaxy is not as easy as your instructors might have portrayed.”

Catrine felt like he looked at her, but then she remembered the debate techniques she had learned in class. He probably had made eye contact with everyone in the room.

The headmaster continued, “The Academic Council will call each graduate individually. Your birthplace will be mentioned, along with the names of your parents. Academic dowries will be discussed in private, so schedule an appointment with the council when you finalize your plans. Graduates and parents, please join us on stage when you hear your name. We will start with the Department of Languages and Dialects.”

Gerald moved to the left side of the stage and Walter stepped forward. He read from the tablet in his hand. “Cynthia of Demia, child of Ann of Demia and Carl of Demia.”

Not even a minute later, a girl wearing a red Academy uniform stepped onto the stage.

A graduation in chapter 3? Nice. Usually this would open or close the story. I like that it's not the main event.

1. Nice description. 
2. Late to her own graduation? Things must be happening. That's good.
3. So her focus isn't really on this graduation. 

The main thing I noticed was an overuse of "had". Many of the "hads" in this could be deleted, and the sentences wouldn't lose anything.

What do you think?  

Fade Into Me: Chapter 3

Our second submission comes from Charity, from her YA fantasy Fade Into Me. Caedmon is the narrator of this section: 

Caedmon 

"You look beautiful, Sedonia."

She stood beside a large rhododendron just out of sight of those gathering for her wedding. Her hair was swept up with ringlets breaking free to frame her face. The dress shimmered in the light that danced through the leaves overhead. For a moment I set the magic free, knowing none of the humans would see it anyway. Sedonia’s aura twinkled around her, playfully touching all the life around her.

"I see you brought Kathryn with you." She nodded to my date standing by the waterfall.

"She came on her own, but I'm glad. My time’s up today and I have to accept it."

"Caedmon, I'm sorry you didn't find your Anamchara. Remember, you can still love and be happy."

"You're the best example of that. Are you sure this is what you want? You have a choice."

Sedonia's eyes sparkled. "He's a good man. Kind, honest, and he makes me laugh."

"But you don't have to marry a human. Think of all you're giving up."

"A couple hundred years traded for happiness?"

"You can never come home."

"Then you'd better keep us safe. All my life I'll watch for your influence in the human world. Move them closer to ascension. I know it's in you."

Father joined us and took Sedonia's hand. "It's time. Are you ready?"

"Yes."

"I'll see you after." [I didn't want to watch Sedonia release the part of her that made her Abhithian. It was hard enough knowing what it meant. From this day forward she would lead the life of a human, a shorter time on this earth. Life without the ability to feel the life forces flowing through every living thing. She would no longer be able to participate in keeping the balance between creation and destruction.]¹

Kathryn and I took our seats. Soon I would have to tell her who I really was. If I was lucky, crossing from the human realm to what we jokingly called the Fae wouldn't drive her insane. Her fiery hair and Irish heritage gave me hope. She had a wonderful imagination and believed in fairies and leprechauns. Maybe the truth wouldn't be too hard for her to accept.

I tried to focus on the arbor up front, but a nervous energy moved through my body. Swirls of color, unseen by the humans around me, rushed up the hill. I’d never experienced such a rush this side of the veil. Something magical called to the colors and I had to know what it was.

Very sad chapter. It's like an ending, although something is coming. 

The only specific thing I noticed is the "1" note: perhaps this would work better as a separate paragraph. 

But the other thing was this felt very static. Because this is taken out of context, it might be a pause between things, and that would be good, but this doesn't feel to me like it's going anywhere. But that's just my impression.

What do you all think?  

Branded: Chapter 3

So, this week I asked for your chapter threes. (I still have a couple spots open if you want to submit.)  

One of my quirks is I have a hard time reading something with comments. I see the comments and not the substance of the piece. So, my comments are all at the end. 

Our first submission comes from Katie, an excerpt from chapter 3 of Branded:  

[The area was charred, and the small sand beach of the creek was strewn with half burned bodies. Jasmine spun and ran back behind a boulder.]¹ “I don’t want to look!” she gasped. “It’s horrific! And what if someone I know is there?”

Andrew rested his hands on his hips. “You three stay here. I’ll go look.”

“I’ll come with you,” I offered.

He swung on me. “No. You stay here in case it’s a trap. I don’t want any of you to get hurt.”

He handed me his bag and wove his way through the trees to the creek. I watched him as Jasmine clung onto Jenna.

He reached the creek and scanned the area. Then he darted across to the closest body. I saw him tilt the head back, [then he covered his mouth to hold back his need to vomit.]² He checked all the bodies one by one, before he checked the pile of supplies on the edge of the far tree line. He carried several items back up to us and set them down to distribute among our packs.

“There were a few people I recognized; Mr. Davis from primary school, your hairdresser, some kids from one of the other high schools, but no one we really knew well,” he told us.

“What do you think happened?” Jenna asked.

“The enemy thought the same thing we did and took them out,” he answered as he zipped his bag up. “We need a new strategy if we hope to meet up with people. There was a radio that was destroyed, but [beside it was a message.]³ It said: The Kangaroo of Burragorang’s toe has sharp claws and still twitches.”

“What does that mean?” Jenna asked.

Andrew grinned and pulled out our map again. “Burragorang is the lake that Warragamba [dam]⁴ created.” He flattened the map out and pointed to it. “If you look at it, it’s kinda shaped like a kangaroo mid-bounce.”

We all leaned over to stare at it. “I guess it kinda does,” I muttered.

Andrew continued, “So the toe of the kangaroo…” he pointed to the southernmost tip of the lake, “[Has]⁵ sharp claws: so it’s armed–and still twitches: there are people still alive there.”

“[You’re]⁶ nerd factor really pays off sometimes, Drew,” I grinned.

“Shut up,” he grunted. “Now, I think we should follow this creek southwest until we meet this fire trail which goes south and will bring us out just north of Warragamba…”

“Wait,” I muttered. “That’s a long hard way around. Why don’t we just follow the Nepean and stay hidden?”

“Because,” he answered, raising his eyebrows. “We need to move deeper for a while. Around the edge of townships are easy targets. We’ll take a week or so to make that trek, so it’ll give us time for that area to be swept and forgotten about.”

“But what if we take too long and there’s no one there?”

He met my eye. “Then we’ll have survived another massacre.”

Wow, a lot must have happened in chapters 1 & 2. Sounds like they're on the run. And this keeps the tension going. Then the little things: 

1. Nice image (well, not nice...). Maybe a little more?
2. Why are we sure that he's holding his mouth to hold back vomit? This would be a more powerful image if this was described instead of stated.
3. Message? Written in the sand? On a piece of paper?
4. Should Dam be capitalized (since it's a proper name)?
5. has doesn't need to be capitalized (since it's in the same sentence as the previous quote). 
6. Your

Great chapter. Now I want to know what came before this.

Other thoughts?