tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post9136120471269770313..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Query Workshop 17--DarklingHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-20229587221972151202012-08-24T14:27:57.306-05:002012-08-24T14:27:57.306-05:00Thank you, everyone for your wonderful comments. I...Thank you, everyone for your wonderful comments. I appreciate all your support and encouragement. I'll work on your suggestions.<br /><br /><br />Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-60377441690920501242012-08-24T12:11:10.068-05:002012-08-24T12:11:10.068-05:00I definitely agree with Charity about the first li...I definitely agree with Charity about the first line and her suggestion for revising. The only other thing I might change is this: <br /><br />When the sister she idolizes is executed for treason, Taela vows to avenge her death--even if it means killing the renegade leader Hawke, the kingdom’s only hope for salvation. <br /><br />Good luck with this!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-29453659600138497952012-08-21T16:41:50.697-05:002012-08-21T16:41:50.697-05:00The title pulled me in and the storyline left me e...The title pulled me in and the storyline left me enthralled. I want to read this manuscript. Sincerely.<br /> <br />My one and only crit: I would change ‘has’ in the first line to ‘must’.<br />"Darkling" is on my short list of faves.<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-68627197128404800512012-08-21T14:06:51.729-05:002012-08-21T14:06:51.729-05:00Wow! I think this is another almost perfect query-...Wow! I think this is another almost perfect query--for me at least. <br /><br />Just a few tweaks to tighten.<br /><br />1. The "she doesn't think of herself as a murderer" doesn't fit for me yet. It almost feels like putting the cart before the ox. Maybe rephrase to something along the lines of--but she never considered murder until her sister is executed for treason. Then continue with her vow.<br /><br />2. I'd drop "with the element of surprise on her side". Then the only other thing I'd change is to say "souless soldier" instead of "soldier with no soul".<br /><br />Great query!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-9214497587476861152012-08-21T11:07:28.897-05:002012-08-21T11:07:28.897-05:00I really like the last line! You do a great job o...I really like the last line! You do a great job of lining out a very interesting conflict! I have to say I like your query. Maybe other people will have more constructive criticism, but it seems pretty clear and interesting to me!Lara Schiffbauerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13546286607078965432noreply@blogger.com