tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post8657476503007734917..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Shadow of Time...(part two)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-79821589327534038942013-05-08T09:44:26.999-05:002013-05-08T09:44:26.999-05:00Lots of internal thought going on here. I call thi...Lots of internal thought going on here. I call this technique "what I want the reader to know about the MC". Try 'showing' some of these traits since 'telling' or internal slows the narrative. <br /><br />Try cutting those 'ly' words. And as Marcy says, 'dark' is just not needed.<br />which reminds me, avoid the word 'just', lOL.<br /><br />I don't feel a lot of action here but maybe that is because of the internal gumming up the works.<br /><br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-53300310706217870112013-05-08T09:30:51.541-05:002013-05-08T09:30:51.541-05:00Okay, so I was right she is older. If you make thi...Okay, so I was right she is older. If you make this adult paranormal (still wondering how that will come in) the pacing is closer to okay. YA you do need to grab their attention immediately, adults will give you at least a chapter to build your world and introduce the characters. <br /><br />There were some spots in the conversation that I think you could cut--"Hi bro." We already know he's her brother and even if you would say it in real life we don't need it here. And I call my brother bro too. :)<br /><br />All in all I like the way I'm getting to see inside the MCs head and how she thinks before we get to the conflict. I do agree that a line here or there could be cut to get us to that conflict faster though. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-43804897057748312722013-05-07T12:12:01.778-05:002013-05-07T12:12:01.778-05:00I agree with the comments above. A bit too much in...I agree with the comments above. A bit too much internal thought. And the phone call would feel more purposeful if her cell rang in the gas station just after the guy said "hi." He's only hearing her side of the conversation, so he won't know he's talking to her brother. She could even say something like "I'll be there in 10 min. Love you, bye," because she's trying to get rid of her brother, but it comes off wrong. Just to make things more awkward ;)Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-65719989115928472382013-05-07T08:26:06.838-05:002013-05-07T08:26:06.838-05:00For YA this pacing still seems a tad slowish. Thou...For YA this pacing still seems a tad slowish. Though it has picked up from the first section. <br />The first paragraph needs to be edited. We don't really need to hear about Emily yet. It kinda felt like she was all OVER the place in that first paragraph. You know in the movies where the main character is staring off into space and the side kick slaps them and yells "FOCUS!"...yah. :) The run in with the guy is very realistic. Loved it. Good flow, good character, good voice. Then BAM...it stops. I don't think you need the phone call with the brother. It really breaks things up unnecessarily. <br />I do like how when she gets to her old room it stops her. I get that way too when I go "home". Really good! I would read on! Alicia Willette-Cookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174871217832164495noreply@blogger.com