tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post8198626414527934600..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: First Chapter Critique - part threeHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-79576812840680706402012-07-06T13:44:44.137-05:002012-07-06T13:44:44.137-05:00Like you, I think we can get to the gist of things...Like you, I think we can get to the gist of things quicker. There seems to be a fair amount of passive language in addition to unnecessary words (adverbs.) However, it's an intriguing start! Perhaps the right place to begin would be the line: "Nothing so exciting happened in Everdark..." Delete "so" though, it's an extra. <br /><br />I am wondering why she's being kidnapped and interested in reading more!Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-15109607864663465842012-07-06T12:35:56.959-05:002012-07-06T12:35:56.959-05:00MSH still rocks.
I wouldn't try to take out ...MSH still rocks. <br /><br />I wouldn't try to take out all the adverbs and adjectives, only repeated ones, like "black." <br /><br />If you're going to put in description at the beginning, in order not to make it seem like "filler" you need to make it atmospheric and foreshadow the trouble to come. Like have a stray dog growl and then inexplicably whine, turn tail, and run away. Or have her see something icky, like a dead rat. Description works if it helps with the overall tone of foreboding. <br /><br />A particular:<br /><br />Nothing barred the way between her and the corner where her home sat.<br />For some reason, the last clause feels clumsy to me. Try:<br />Nothing barred the way between her and the corner by her home.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-76233749154934734202012-07-06T06:41:38.005-05:002012-07-06T06:41:38.005-05:00ACk...'scuttled' not 'scuttling'.
...ACk...'scuttled' not 'scuttling'.<br /><br />*facepalm*Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-46913869381229392562012-07-06T06:40:29.260-05:002012-07-06T06:40:29.260-05:00'...extra words...'
Oh my yes. Please, try...'...extra words...'<br />Oh my yes. Please, try this: Take this section and cut every adverb and adjective. You'll see a huge difference in readability.<br /><br />This is the two sentences:<br /><br />A cat scuttling across the road and swiped at a dog in passing. The mutt cringed under the remains of a stall. <br /><br />Now add descriptions that 'show'. Don't 'tell' me the dog is scrawny. Give me Voice to make the scene come to life.<br /><br />'...Bones made ridges down its hide. Like a hairless whimpering sack of skin...'<br /><br />Another suggestion: Use sentence fragments. It is a way to show Voice.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-53268836300042503212012-07-06T06:10:30.965-05:002012-07-06T06:10:30.965-05:00I've really got to get back up on my blog visi...I've really got to get back up on my blog visits. You guys changed the banner, which looks great by the way. Since it has been a while, and I need to get back in the swing of things, I'll refrain from commenting today. But I'm ready to get back in the swing of things.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-92088377657631716702012-07-06T05:50:54.397-05:002012-07-06T05:50:54.397-05:00I'm new to your blog so I won't comment to...I'm new to your blog so I won't comment today, but I love what I see.Karen Baldwinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01522178275164058849noreply@blogger.com