tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post7340207411800518750..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Query Workshop 9--The Curse MerchantHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-12401281420660957202012-08-24T21:38:02.428-05:002012-08-24T21:38:02.428-05:00Re: ...when a corrupt soul monger horns in on both...Re: ...when a corrupt soul monger horns in on both his territory ... <br /><br />I could be wrong but I think this should be 'hones in on,' not horns. And you could reword the last part this way: "But when a corrupt soul monger horns in on both his territory and his personal life, his brilliance and charisma may not be enough to save his career - or his soul." and so avoid the question. <br /><br />My only other comment is that story's comment about making Dorian more likeable is a good one, imo. mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-88061696664718115662012-08-22T10:17:14.968-05:002012-08-22T10:17:14.968-05:00Thanks for the input, everyone! Time to buff this ...Thanks for the input, everyone! Time to buff this pitch to a high polish.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-45889395984761107232012-08-22T09:05:06.575-05:002012-08-22T09:05:06.575-05:00Excellent!
The last line was a humdinger, btw. (No...Excellent!<br />The last line was a humdinger, btw. (Note to younger generation, go look it up)<br /><br />My only comment is about the hook. Questions in a query are, um, questionable. Use them with care. Otherwise, I say fantastic hook.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-23687841811240779782012-08-21T10:26:10.387-05:002012-08-21T10:26:10.387-05:00I think this is so very close to perfect. It's...I think this is so very close to perfect. It's hard to pick thing to comment on. <br /><br />I think you could take out "unscrupulous" in paragraph 2 since they are both in the same trade. This removes the comparison. Also, you don't need the comma after "soul to Osterhaus and has only..."<br /><br />Why is the question between winning her back and his trade? If he wins her back, how does it end his career?<br /><br />The line about his life being a lie is intriguing to me even if it does feel slightly out of place.<br /><br />Finally, I'd just drop everything after "bastard's profession."Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-18593334289183649502012-08-21T08:45:30.796-05:002012-08-21T08:45:30.796-05:00Good overall. A few suggestions:
1. I think you c...Good overall. A few suggestions:<br /><br />1. I think you could do a little more to establish Dorian's character. This is important given that the picture you initially paint (a revenge facilitator) is not a flattering one, yet you clearly want to contrast him to his unscrupulous rival. <br /><br />2. The last line of the first paragraph sounds like a hook you would ordinarily end a query with, but instead you transition to the second paragraph. Maybe you could put it at the end?<br /><br />3. Your hook in paragraph two caught me off-guard a bit. Why have the last two years of his life been a lie? I wasn't sure. <br /><br />4. Generally speaking, you can round up or down to the nearest thousand for your word count.<br /><br />5. "While raising the question of where one's ethical line should be crossed" is a bit awkward-- what about "and how far we're willing to push the boundaries of our morality."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com