tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post7040785166188912738..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: submission #5Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-33781658689196977282012-01-22T14:20:09.498-06:002012-01-22T14:20:09.498-06:00Linish (I like that word, LOL) edits:
Cut "sl...Linish (I like that word, LOL) edits:<br />Cut "slumped against the window casing" and "had been cleaned until it" to speed the pace and increase tension.<br /><br /> "...he walked through the archway—conqueror of worlds, destroyer of lives, and her husband..." sounds like he was the destroyer of her husband.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-59863269141008140312012-01-22T13:16:38.970-06:002012-01-22T13:16:38.970-06:00I agree with the passive voice, particularly with ...I agree with the passive voice, particularly with the first two paragraphs. It seems we don't really engage with the main character until the third paragraph where we learn that she is, in fact, married to the enemy and discovering she'f fallen in love with him.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-16188009175221171182012-01-22T12:10:29.784-06:002012-01-22T12:10:29.784-06:00she's waiting for him to return, the man she s...she's waiting for him to return, the man she shouldnt care for but does. is this where she first realizes it? love the descriptions.<br /><br />my edits would be minor, to tighten up the wording, like: As the lights and smoke cleared, things grew calm and eerily silent. (and define "things," the commoners below or something) And add something about her fierce anticipation (but you might do that before) make us anxious with her. <br /><br />and i like the last paragraph with her inner conflict loving a man she should despise!Tara Tylerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07587802105993889515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-6223788845597077252012-01-21T14:09:21.978-06:002012-01-21T14:09:21.978-06:00Firstly, a little specific linish edit.
Eleena wa...Firstly, a little specific linish edit.<br /><br /><i>Eleena watched the lights and smoke from her window until the air cleared. Things grew calm and eerily silent.</i> Something about this reads funny to me, especially with the fact that in the next paragraph you use "the air filled with cheers" and "in the afternoon light." I would suggest you reword that first sentence different (ie. Eleena watched from her window as the lights and smoke cleared.) and cutting "shone in the afternoon light."<br /><br />Second, I feel like this scene moves just a little too fast. Or at least in the first paragraph.<br /><br />Third, I like your premise. ^^Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.com