tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post6974491556255524127..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: WE OF THE UNIVERSE - part twoHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-81255646369388358202012-02-22T20:44:29.332-06:002012-02-22T20:44:29.332-06:00I like what you have going on, but I feel like you...I like what you have going on, but I feel like you need to do a lot of tightening, especially with your pronouns. Here are some changes I think the first paragraph of this section would benefit from<br /><br /><i>Up close the door looked like rippled glass, but instead of shining, it absorbed the light. She touched it and the surface moved to encase her hand, showing the dark space behind it. As she stepped through, it stuck to her skin, and as she stepped out, she felt like she had exchanged a piece of herself for a piece of the door. She was in a dark void. Tiny lights pulsed in the distance, too far away to offer comfort. Even if she had not known what was expected of her, she would have headed toward the lights for the comfort (use a different word here) they offered. She missed the weightless feel of the previous room. (Do you really need this sentence? If so, I think you should move it elsewhere.) She noted their distance, some closer and some faint, far away. She heard faint music in tune with the pulsing of the lights, fast and sprightly, deep and loud, soft and mournful, each different and contrasting and yet together sounding beautiful, each building to a personal and yet combined crescendo. She swam in the darkness toward the light that had first caught her interest.</i><br /><br />Note that all of my changes are just my suggestions and in no way do you have to accept any of them.<br /><br />I also completely agree with Marcy's suggestion to make your verbs stronger. I suggest you cut out all the "seem" verbs as well. Usually, it either is or isn't. I've done that in the paragraph above so you can see how it would affect the passage.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-71629106885567320212012-02-18T20:57:55.464-06:002012-02-18T20:57:55.464-06:00I get what the overall feeling is supposed to be f...I get what the overall feeling is supposed to be for this segment – I think. A sense of vastness, but with the comfort of compulsion mixed with normal curiosity, to continue forward. I think you could shorten and tighten this segment to encompass the feelings and that would help get rid of all the “light” references. It would also make this portion more showing and less telling.<br /><br />Also, inserting Legeve’s name in place of several pronouns would help make this a more intimate journey and connect the reader with the MC.<br /><br />This was an active scene, but the movement didn’t have a distinct purpose, or progress the character/overall plot forward. I liked the setting too, but needed more of an emotional attachment to Legeve. Again, that sense of awe and wonderment I thought was the point of the segment. Perhaps you could use the “shadowy figure” on another spinning disc as a transition to the next scene.<br /><br />I’m off to read part 3. Sorry for posting so late.<br /><br />.......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-85398352441162646612012-02-17T14:50:51.837-06:002012-02-17T14:50:51.837-06:00Great world building.
This phrase might need corr...Great world building.<br /><br />This phrase might need correcting: '...now her back aching marred the experience...'<br /><br />Back aching? or aching back?Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-76756621272546387022012-02-16T22:58:04.158-06:002012-02-16T22:58:04.158-06:00It's funny you say that because the first draf...It's funny you say that because the first draft did have more of a poetic feel, with more descriptions for the light. Shows when your editing you might edit out something good.<br />Thanks for the honest feedback so far. Looking forward to seeing what you make of the final part.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-59329646511344270172012-02-16T19:43:04.344-06:002012-02-16T19:43:04.344-06:00God suggestions Angela, thanks :)God suggestions Angela, thanks :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-55705828399124801392012-02-16T17:53:22.458-06:002012-02-16T17:53:22.458-06:00Okay, so here's the tiny 2 cents I have. I ag...Okay, so here's the tiny 2 cents I have. I agree that more active verbs would make the passage less passive. As I read it, I experienced that moment of "passing something by" and generally noting its existence instead of being pulled into the scene.<br /><br />For the lights, I wonder if it would be possible to reference them as other things like tiny, dancing flames, a collage of candles gathered in the dark void, slight breaks in the darkness, scattered rays of the sun, itty bitty orbs of incandescence...just throwing something out there to give more life to the "light".Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.com