tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post6621437050389377257..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Critting THE FALL OF ASTRALIS: detachmentHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-89545201678057603342014-02-13T10:57:44.798-06:002014-02-13T10:57:44.798-06:00I agree with Green Font. Stronger verbs, leave out...I agree with Green Font. Stronger verbs, leave out the descriptions and get to the point.<br /><br />Too many words slow the action.<br /><br />Lots of Tell vs Show. Example:<br />"Spellbound by the violent majesty of it all..."<br />You are 'telling' the reader what they should see and not painting the scenes with words. Think of a visual appearance of a man 'spellbound' then use that description.<br /><br />Limit your use of 'ing' words anytime but especially at the beginning of a sentence. Examples: Scrambling, steeling, rounding.<br /><br />Apply adjectives with a light touch. Suggestion: "A blackened husk brought them up short, the flames illuminating a corpse with an unholy light. It could be anyone."<br /><br />I noted that Paul and James were moving in the previous paragraph. No need for: "...Rounding the boulder with James right behind him, Paul was brought up short..."<br /><br />Also you don't need phrases like: "...It lay with its face turned away from him, all the hair singed from its skull..." By saying, 'it could be anyone' you gave the reader an excellent visual. Big Thumbs Up!!!<br /><br />Summary: Less is more. Don't browbeat the reader with descriptions, adjectives, and adverbs. Touch lightly, then let go. Allow the reader's imagination to fill in the blanks.<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-59688169434052122782014-02-12T13:06:32.512-06:002014-02-12T13:06:32.512-06:00I spent most of the time wondering if Stephanie wa...I spent most of the time wondering if Stephanie was Dr. Abrams. It was a stupid thing to get hung up on, but I don't think you ever referred to the doctor as he or she, so I just couldn't be sure. <br /><br />There are a lot of characters mentioned here and since I haven't read the first two books its almost overload for me. Also, you mention Stephanie at the beginning and not again until the end. How important is she?<br /><br />L really got it right when she mentioned how detached everything feels. Because of that I would say you could cut this whole chapter in half. Don't waste as much time watching and hearing the explosions, falling down, whatever. Let's get to doing something about it faster. <br /><br />Interesting though. I'm curious about Paul and why he can't be damaged permanently. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-18443057655231924712014-02-12T12:54:49.030-06:002014-02-12T12:54:49.030-06:00Well, if it's the third book then I think you ...Well, if it's the third book then I think you can assume most of your readers are not complete newbies... but a few reminders would not be bad. You have no way of knowing how long it's been since they read #2. blankenship.louisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05541461775158369620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-5132253020200137042014-02-12T12:22:17.713-06:002014-02-12T12:22:17.713-06:00Good, good feedback. This is the 3rd in a trilogy ...Good, good feedback. This is the 3rd in a trilogy and is written literally the minute after Book 2 leaves off, so I'm assuming a lot on the part of the reader--obviously I shouldn't, because certainly there will those who read this one first. <br /><br />"Over-written" is the way my editor has described much of my rough drafts and I think you hit the nail on the head. <br /><br />GREAT feedback, very specific and helpful. Thank you!Matthew Keith Reviewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04561128292748819435noreply@blogger.com