tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post6550165239185473885..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Fade Into MeHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-40911250128664457092014-01-31T12:03:38.489-06:002014-01-31T12:03:38.489-06:00Late to the party, but this has been a busy week. ...Late to the party, but this has been a busy week. I love how this scene reads now, compared to the previous version I read. Lovely visuals--your descriptions bring the magic alive.<br /><br />I think the first line would read better as: The barrier that separated my [home] world from [my] human reality... At first I didn't understand she was living on the human side.<br /><br />And I would move his mother's age here: looking every bit like the four hundred year-old queen she was. Let Kieran's age shock the reader first.<br /><br />Good luck with this!Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-80997431170059115352014-01-30T12:17:38.414-06:002014-01-30T12:17:38.414-06:00Thanks Marcy for the opportunity and the great adv...Thanks Marcy for the opportunity and the great advice! This chapter has been rewritten at least 100 times trying to find the right balance between "throwing" the reader into the world and giving them enough info at the beginning. I didn't realize I cut the line "I was finally home."<br /><br />Do you think I should say "people" instead of "my kind"?<br /><br />@Carol, yay! I found a good metaphor to show the colors! *dances around in the swirling colors* Oh, and I promise I didn't steal this idea from you!<br /><br />@Robin, thanks!<br /><br />@Misha, it's coming, in bits and pieces. The whole Reparation thing has been driving me nuts. I know it's got to be there and fast, but I switch POVs between my two main characters and that pushes it back a bit. Why? Because Kieran understands it and doesn't need to explain it to himself. <br /><br />The good news is the chapters are very short (3-4 pages) and I'm answering other questions as I go. Hopefully I'm giving enough to keep people moving forward until Ryanne asks for the explanation. <br /><br />*sigh* I love this story, but it is proving to be a beast pacing wise. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-50802800500728729292014-01-29T23:20:43.937-06:002014-01-29T23:20:43.937-06:00P.S. But yes, I'd totally read this. ;-)P.S. But yes, I'd totally read this. ;-)Misha Gerrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06364173848456424521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-6488285279406225072014-01-29T23:20:11.803-06:002014-01-29T23:20:11.803-06:00I think you're missing a word after "the ...I think you're missing a word after "the second busiest"<br /><br />Also, I think it might be a good idea to explain what the Prince of Reparation does and fast. Maybe not right now, but hopefully within a few paragraphs of this section. See since this is fantasy, we as the reader have NO idea as to what's going on right now, so the sooner you can ground us, the better. :-)Misha Gerrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06364173848456424521noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-41885172626992707402014-01-29T10:02:04.603-06:002014-01-29T10:02:04.603-06:00Good job, Charity. I like it. I would definitely r...Good job, Charity. I like it. I would definitely read on.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14932408372240147454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-73555647646791628712014-01-29T09:00:20.596-06:002014-01-29T09:00:20.596-06:00I am a big fan of phrases that create pictures, th...I am a big fan of phrases that create pictures, that give life to a scene. The sentence, "Here they played like joyful children" is an excellent example.<br /><br /> Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com