tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post5387816974102618141..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Workshop #3 Elswyk's MoonHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-28553728513860714942013-09-16T18:45:13.504-05:002013-09-16T18:45:13.504-05:00I think Charity made some great suggestions, I was...I think Charity made some great suggestions, I was a little confused, too.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-85232701753906331312013-09-16T11:34:40.470-05:002013-09-16T11:34:40.470-05:00I think all the components are here for a fantasti...I think all the components are here for a fantastic story and query, but if you reworded some of them, it could really pop. Like in the first sentence could be something like: Wizard Elswyk hides in a land where being a wizard means ? (shame, being ostracized, or whatever establishes right away how horrible it is). <br /> <br />I was confused with the registering thing. You say she didn’t register herself in paragraph 3, but in the first paragraph it’s implied she did because she's a good wizard. Also, is it important to even talk about registering herself/not being registered in the query? I think the focus on whether she is or isn’t takes away from the stakes of saving the king a second time. <br /><br />Best of luck with this; it sounds like a fun story<br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16519250456239966742noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-4424249037892069452013-09-16T10:59:55.090-05:002013-09-16T10:59:55.090-05:00I read this query several times, as well as the pr...I read this query several times, as well as the previous comments. I really like the idea of beginning with "Saving the king's life was a fluke," per Carl's suggestion. Since everyone has the ability to perform some magic, indicating what sets this MC apart is important in the first paragraph.<br /><br />It sounds to me as though that incident made her famous. Perhaps that would be the second part of this letter (falling into the conflict section). The move happened after saving the king, right? And that is why she has to register with a NEW magistrate in a DIFFERENT town. Is that correct? The question is: how important is this nugget of information in your query? <br /><br />I think you might do better focusing on saving the king, explaining her power, how she became famous (and what that did to her life), and now there is another attempt being made on the king and the choice she must make.<br /><br />Character.Conflict.Choice.Robinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14932408372240147454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-81121388863410552132013-09-16T10:23:36.015-05:002013-09-16T10:23:36.015-05:00I agree that some details are missing that would h...I agree that some details are missing that would help us understand the world. Here are the bits I'm confused about:<br /><br />Why didn't she register when she moved? Did the snowball incident happen when she was on the way to the magistrate's office? If so, say it.<br /><br />And if saving the king's life didn't arouse suspicion, why did she become famous?Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-31942574191144698892013-09-16T09:09:25.427-05:002013-09-16T09:09:25.427-05:00I think Carl has a great idea to start with the se...I think Carl has a great idea to start with the second paragraph. With a little tightening this could be really good. However, my main concern right now is that your world doesn't make sense to me based on what's here. <br /><br />Why is she keeping the fact she's a wizard secret if most of the general population could have turned the bullet into a snowball? That doesn't make sense to me. <br /><br />Your query makes it sound like almost everyone can work magic of some form so she is weird in that she is hiding the fact she's the same as everyone else. <br /><br />If you simplify your introduction of Elswyk, you would have more room to give us a bit about who is trying to kill the king and why she feels it's so important to keep him alive. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-77139268632832722372013-09-16T07:23:28.562-05:002013-09-16T07:23:28.562-05:00I would consider putting the second paragraph firs...I would consider putting the second paragraph first. The first line could be a good hook 'Saving the king's life was a fluke.'<br /><br />Repetition of words in a paragraph, as Huntress said, can be jarring.<br /><br />Wizard three times in first paragraph and magistrate 3 times in third paragraph.<br /><br />I would definitely be interested in reading more myself :)<br /><br />Good luck!Carl Hackmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03095336278626569509noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-27613196826136707852013-09-16T06:49:28.398-05:002013-09-16T06:49:28.398-05:00The first line threw me. I think you can cut ‘all ...The first line threw me. I think you can cut ‘all her adult life’. The second sentence is somewhat clunky. Try: All magic workers must report and register with the authorities. Elswyk is a responsible wizard. But (what conflict keeps her from registering immediately)<br /><br />Simplify the second paragraph. After turning a bullet into a snowball, she saves the king’s life. No big deal. Especially since working this bit of magic is easy for everyone. But (inciting incident to add conflict)<br /><br />Btw, note your use of the word ‘magistrate’. I count four.<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com