tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post4487766278020602851..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Submission #1Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-12108145222558688392012-01-18T21:24:14.139-06:002012-01-18T21:24:14.139-06:00Yes, dialogue. Totally. I have always had a distas...Yes, dialogue. Totally. I have always had a distaste for being told how the conversation is going.<br /><br />I also want to point out a few line edits you could make. In the first line, I think it might flow better if you stuck an "or" in front of "maybe" or just replaced "maybe" with "or." I also suggest cutting "behind my ear" at the end of the second sentence in paragraph two since you already mentioned that. Also "during our private comms" close to the end is unnecessary and reads strange.<br /><br />I do agree that your last two lines are "kick-ass."Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-46596300576311296052012-01-18T16:57:58.641-06:002012-01-18T16:57:58.641-06:00I'm always kinda glad when someone disagrees w...I'm always kinda glad when someone disagrees with me because I think writers need to know that they shouldn't ever rely on a single opinion. Thanks, Charity :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-37424688010128692212012-01-18T11:02:35.057-06:002012-01-18T11:02:35.057-06:00I'm going to agree and disagree with Marcy. I ...I'm going to agree and disagree with Marcy. I love the descriptions of the tech, but then again that's my sort of thing. If you added just a tiny bit to clarify what the tech is, most people would probably be fine. <br /><br />I do agree that dialogue threaded through this piece would add a lot. All those things Marcy mentioned. It would give you a chance to show not tell, and immerse us deeper into your world. <br /><br />Also, that would help break up the second paragraph. It has a lot going on in there. I think that's what Marcy meant by slowing down a little.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com