tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post2642224378673348988..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: ShadowHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-81832966439188800252011-10-28T08:31:26.018-05:002011-10-28T08:31:26.018-05:00Well done. I enjoyed reading it and agree with man...Well done. I enjoyed reading it and agree with many of the others. The ending lines have me eager for more. I am intrigued and I love a good mystery. You certainly hooked this reader.Melissa Sugarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16268333458796847721noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-17544143393507142852011-10-27T19:56:55.424-05:002011-10-27T19:56:55.424-05:00Great crit. I agree with others about the awesome ...Great crit. I agree with others about the awesome opening and potential.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-15970751535239911172011-10-27T19:10:55.670-05:002011-10-27T19:10:55.670-05:00Yes, the opening lines rock! Great job.Yes, the opening lines rock! Great job.RaShelle Workmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17582252557500502186noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-22149765413383986112011-10-27T14:14:11.632-05:002011-10-27T14:14:11.632-05:00Ooh! That first line really draws us in. That is a...Ooh! That first line really draws us in. That is awesome. Great beginning and suggestions.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08616276555920544920noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-40773893126314290662011-10-27T07:26:33.528-05:002011-10-27T07:26:33.528-05:00I totally agree with you. Love the opening line. I...I totally agree with you. Love the opening line. It's a great way to get into the story. Your crit is bang on.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12160669603997465454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-30670555881999909282011-10-26T18:56:32.104-05:002011-10-26T18:56:32.104-05:00Very creepy and great crit. I struggle with the t...Very creepy and great crit. I struggle with the telling part too. Working on it though!Mina Burrowshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14483363743530076604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-86668653679890112232011-10-26T18:20:19.168-05:002011-10-26T18:20:19.168-05:00Well done crit, thanks for posting. The shadows we...Well done crit, thanks for posting. The shadows were very creepy. :)Lydia Kanghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00484415427764822386noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-39840160454744214592011-10-26T17:49:34.160-05:002011-10-26T17:49:34.160-05:00I like this idea of shadows being something more! ...I like this idea of shadows being something more! Clever and intriguing.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-45980999117726149852011-10-26T15:01:37.736-05:002011-10-26T15:01:37.736-05:00I liked this a lot. I agree with a lot of your opi...I liked this a lot. I agree with a lot of your opinions, but I think the first line would work on the first page just fine. A lot of first lines don't fit perfectly in with the next paragraph, yet they set the mood. This one did that nicely.Emily R. Kinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03892444969625637064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-39918539197608201602011-10-26T14:10:50.838-05:002011-10-26T14:10:50.838-05:00love how it takes us from normal to odd to stunned...love how it takes us from normal to odd to stunned. I want to know what she did while the friend vanished. they seem close and she would know what happened. what distracted her at the fateful moment?<br /><br />nice piece!Tara Tylerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07587802105993889515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-10806779780709485632011-10-26T14:09:26.397-05:002011-10-26T14:09:26.397-05:00Your first lines are very intriguing and quirky. T...Your first lines are very intriguing and quirky. They make me want to know more. However, I agree that they don't go with the rest of the story. I also agree that you have a lot of telling and need to give more details.<br /><br />One thing I would like to point out, though it's not that big, is in the description that Huntress has posted above. <i>And yet the shadows danced.</i> I feel like it would fit better with the mood and tone of the story if it simply started with 'the'.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-41494950960552419692011-10-26T09:49:37.284-05:002011-10-26T09:49:37.284-05:00Some of the questions in this narrative are what t...Some of the questions in this narrative are what the writers ask themself. Too many and it gums up the works.<br /><br />Love the first line and '...The air was eerily quiet. No birds singing. Even the wind had stopped. And yet the shadows danced...' Great depiction! Actual quite chilling.<br /><br />I agree with Marcy about 'tell' vs 'show'. Every writer must resist the urge to Tell, from the novice to the well known, every single writer.<br />So you are in good company :)Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-43506633656803567542011-10-26T07:36:12.715-05:002011-10-26T07:36:12.715-05:00I love the opening lines. There is a lot of potent...I love the opening lines. There is a lot of potential to be really scary and keep you reading even though you are hiding under the covers. <br />I agree that things need to be drawn out. This sounds like a synopsis. <br />I also see it as a longer work. Great!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.com