tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post1674980873802668928..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Fearful Critiques #1Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-8342021194699256412011-06-23T18:36:57.376-05:002011-06-23T18:36:57.376-05:00Thank you so much for all your input! It was so gr...Thank you so much for all your input! It was so great to have fresh eyes look at it and tweak it. I had hit a wall as far as revisions on this one, and with so many new ideas, it was so much easier to go back, see what wasn't working, and fix it. Thank you SO MUCH!!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02918514153095020983noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-31076672197688708282011-06-08T11:23:40.892-05:002011-06-08T11:23:40.892-05:00I rarely read another’s critique before giving my ...I rarely read another’s critique before giving my own of the same excerpt. For me, it is too easy to go along. I am easily persuaded, in other words. So forgive me if I repeat the advice of my crit buddies. <br /><br />"She mounted the steps and entered the (--cozy, fortified—cut) cottage that had been home to the small family for the past four years."<br /><br />At this point, to bring the drama to a slow boil, throw in short or fragmented sentences. Note how long the sentences are in this paragraph. I would cut ‘home to a small family’ and insert the four years as a fragment to increase the drama.<br /><br /><br />"It was too much and not enough." EXCELLENT<br /><br />in the paragraph beginning with "Wispy memories", try cutting all adjectives, all adverbs leaving the nouns and verbs. Then, like a painter, add one or two back, step back, look at it, then add a one or two more. See how it moves the story along. ‘Stabbed’ and ‘raked’ are excellent, very strong verb, btw. <br /><br />"(--Her lungs burned—CUT) too many breaths, too little oxygen. Suffocating, drowning, buried alive—hands reached out of the floor. Accusations, past sins, failures, shortcomings, they (--all reached out to trip her—CUT) kill her."<br /><br />"She tripped and stumbled and was dragged down, but slowly, eventually, made her way to the rooftop terrace. She crawled on torn (--up—CUT) hands and knees closer to the sky, now tainted red the blood of her daughters. Slowly, painfully, as if moving through mud, she pulled herself to unsteady feet. Then, of course, there was only one thing left to do."<br /><br />I would make strong verbs a focal point but do not go overboard. “Tripped” Stumbled” “Dragged” That is a lot of verbs and it slows me when I try to visualize each one.<br /><br />"Head thrown back, arms flung wide, she screamed." **omy. Makes me want to bawl**<br /><br />"Breath after breath was drawn into clenching lungs, (--to be let out again, on its way—CUT) serrating. vocal chords." <br /><br />I agree with the other cuts my critters suggested. Watch how many times you basically say the same thing. You want the reader to move forward in the story.<br /><br />All in all.....um.......wow.<br />I mean....holy cow..wow.<br />Very strong, very mentally evocative.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-57581735778363393552011-06-08T10:01:46.126-05:002011-06-08T10:01:46.126-05:00I agree with all of Charity's comments. The on...I agree with all of Charity's comments. The only thing I wonder is if at the very beginning of this paragraph if Kallen can be named, if she's already been introduced. I think naming her might connect the reader to her and the story rather than identifying her as a lone woman. <br /><br />and I loved the parts Charity loved, too :)<br /><br />nice work!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.com