tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post1037495627201146922..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Critting FADE INTO ME: why it feels flatHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-75156688384440789462013-08-24T10:49:16.103-05:002013-08-24T10:49:16.103-05:00LOL, I thought your description was great though!LOL, I thought your description was great though!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-22998578186360821012013-08-24T10:15:06.961-05:002013-08-24T10:15:06.961-05:00Ah. Sorry I couldn't help.Ah. Sorry I couldn't help. David Oliverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04260130060172457192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-47159797811728191872013-08-24T09:49:33.313-05:002013-08-24T09:49:33.313-05:00Thanks for the suggestion David. :) Unfortunately,...Thanks for the suggestion David. :) Unfortunately, he's a boring alien. He looks just like a human because as it turns out, his people created us. So, physically we are the same. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-53117130526640213982013-08-23T23:59:41.050-05:002013-08-23T23:59:41.050-05:00After thinking about it, maybe something like this...After thinking about it, maybe something like this:<br /><br />Sweeping my wings forward I gaze furiously at the tips. They must be spotless or Mother will chide me saying I'm grown and can't let my wings drag the ground like a child does. And they are spotless. Gleaming yellow in the morning sun, their brightness is like a mirror's reflection. It is no trouble keeping them clean now, I want only to fly and be free of dirt and gravity.David Oliverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04260130060172457192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-18069098161503019242013-08-23T22:39:26.430-05:002013-08-23T22:39:26.430-05:00I would like a description of who/what "I&quo...I would like a description of who/what "I" am right off. The dialogue is like humans talking so it was impossible for me to visualize the characters as anything other than that.David Oliverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04260130060172457192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-79216878422512883692013-08-23T14:50:48.579-05:002013-08-23T14:50:48.579-05:00There is a teeny tiny error in the first paragraph...There is a teeny tiny error in the first paragraph but hardly noticeable. Go look. You'll see it *G*<br /><br />I'd like more action also. Have a dragonfly attack him or something, LOL. I don't feel anything for him or his mother because I haven't bonded with them yet. Got a sprite looking for a fight? A Shadow in the garden this mother wants dispersed? He's cut/minor injury/stung by the sprite/Shadow/negative feelings.<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-35151781043439122262013-08-23T14:33:28.839-05:002013-08-23T14:33:28.839-05:00Thanks! I've made some changes to the dialogue...Thanks! I've made some changes to the dialogue today thanks to L's comments. :) <br /><br />And I fixed that extra word.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-46089886987215016002013-08-23T11:06:18.222-05:002013-08-23T11:06:18.222-05:00I agree with L. that this piece is very well writt...I agree with L. that this piece is very well written. The descriptions made me feel in the setting. But L. is right that there is no tension. And I'm not feeling Caedmon's emotions. I did like the bit with the flower.<br /><br />I found an extra word in the first paragraph:<br /><br />I stepped <b>into in</b> a palace.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com