tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post9141249926837692832..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: WE OF THE UNIVERSEHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-29561058436000328992012-02-19T20:30:05.647-06:002012-02-19T20:30:05.647-06:00I understood what was happening, but I feel like a...I understood what was happening, but I feel like a few things would be rearranged. The last paragraph has a lot of description all at once. I think it might be better if it were spread out a little bit. For example, you could move the description of the "tear in reality" up to where you first mentioned the gateway. I feel like this would work better because "tear in reality" interrupts the flow right after the sentence about Emona.<br /><br />I'm curious about what she's doing and I like the scene you have set. Wonder why all the girls look the same, especially that way.<br /><br />Also, how does she know to get in line if it's such a strange, unexpected thing?Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-1426161191532046782012-02-17T14:48:11.941-06:002012-02-17T14:48:11.941-06:00Interesting concept. The name Legeve made me think...Interesting concept. The name Legeve made me think of Legolas from Lord of the Rings,LOL.<br /><br />Too many descriptive phrase in the beginning can blur together. At least until I bond with the MC. <br />Here you've struck a good balance between world building and Too Much Information.<br />Good job.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-31682805866810503962012-02-15T05:02:54.278-06:002012-02-15T05:02:54.278-06:00Thank you for the critique and you comments Donna....Thank you for the critique and you comments Donna. It's nice to get some outside feedback on it.<br /><br />*RachelAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-17778048677560873442012-02-15T02:26:11.945-06:002012-02-15T02:26:11.945-06:00It did hook me; but I agree it needs some tighteni...It did hook me; but I agree it needs some tightening. There's a lot of "telling" which makes the flow mechanical. Given that Legeve is not normally "in" her body, the mechanical feel could be intentional. <br /><br />I'd also suggest clarifying if she is in the room in mind only, or if she is about to travel in her actual body. If she is in her body for the first time in a while, it would justify her hands and legs shaking.<br /><br />With some tightening and rewording, this would be an excellent beginning. Just enough info hook me on the character, the setting, and the impending move to a new location.<br /><br />Yes, the implication of "duty" is highly intriguing. I want to know more, so would read on to discover it.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing your first page Rachel.<br /><br />......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.com