tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post9108287396635224502..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: First Chapter (part two)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-16799607228451624392012-03-14T01:51:50.305-05:002012-03-14T01:51:50.305-05:00Thanks everyone. This is a tremendous help. I ap...Thanks everyone. This is a tremendous help. I appreciate the time everyone put into the thoughtful feedback.<br /><br />.......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-63353888740460073852012-03-13T17:42:48.197-05:002012-03-13T17:42:48.197-05:00Hi there! There is atmosphere here as the story ge...Hi there! There is atmosphere here as the story gets underway and the dialogue is splarkly at times but I think Donna could do a rewrite on the 'showing not telling'. Needs to be more mystery. Let the reader use their own imagination. I'm sure with attention to these details, the chappter will shine.<br /><br />DeniseDenise Covey https://www.blogger.com/profile/07106490051555233439noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-17335540193238116452012-03-13T16:40:15.378-05:002012-03-13T16:40:15.378-05:00So I went back to read the first part of this subm...So I went back to read the first part of this submission so I wouldn't give an opinion or share my thoughts on just this part. Would be embarrassing to suggest detailing how Amy is the guest of honor when a quick read back explains that in the first part of the chapter.<br /><br />With that unnecessarily said and out of the way, I mainly found a lot of tell and not show for this part. For example, with the description, you can mention a physical reaction she could have remembering being eye to eye with the green eyed handsome fellow. You've mentioned that Robert is 5'6 and it appears she's the same height. Let her use the environment around her to mold and shape her description so it doesn't have to be delivered. For instance, you have her go to join the crowd. Perhaps have her slither through a narrow something or other so she can be closer to the front or maybe have to nudge around a taller woman decked in platform heels.<br /><br />Also, this sounds like a decently happy crowd of folks (um, can I join?). I'm guessing interesting scents are floating around. Was there food, Fritos and bean dip, barbecue or was the alcohol the main thing? I'm asking mainly to see if it would be possible to engage the reader more with some sensory interaction.<br /><br />Okay, I'll stop rambling.Angela Brownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03324366495151363782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-1214723873093016932012-03-13T07:01:50.487-05:002012-03-13T07:01:50.487-05:00Lol. Definitely NOT fantasy.
Donna, your dialogue...Lol. Definitely NOT fantasy.<br /><br />Donna, your dialogue is excellent. It pulled me into the story and scene.<br /><br />I agree with Marcy about nailing the reader with smells and sounds. Taste and colors give a point to focus on.<br /><br />My only crit: use care with the attributes. 'Robert boasted' 'Amy yelled at the couple' 'Joy yelled over a blast of steel guitars' 'Cienna cursed'.<br /><br />Whenever possible, let the words define the tone of the speaker. Don't 'tell' the reader. Use 'said'.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com