tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post8852439676712523021..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Sahdow of Time (part one)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-76528830498055584182013-05-08T09:23:07.983-05:002013-05-08T09:23:07.983-05:00I'm getting a late start, sorry! There is some...I'm getting a late start, sorry! There is some interesting character building here that I like but there isn't much conflict yet. <br /><br />My other concern is this says it's YA paranormal but if she just finished her first year teaching she's not a teenager. I was always told that the MC has to be a teen in order to be considered YA these days. Maybe I'm confused about how old she is?Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-72075628410788285452013-05-07T02:04:47.067-05:002013-05-07T02:04:47.067-05:00Hannah is quirky, and seems to be starting her jou...Hannah is quirky, and seems to be starting her journey with high spirits. I liked the hint of disaster (lack of gas) and the sense that the setting is isolated. Adds a bit of ominousness to the upbeat atmosphere without drawing attention to the - tension.<br /><br />I agree with DG about the trimming and tightening. I would not have been as lenient in my critique in regards to the redundancy of concepts.<br /><br />And Marcy; I pictured a moped or scooter instead of a motorcycle too. Not that a "hot guy" wouldn't ride a motorbike, but the imagery is completely different, and bears some internalization from Hannah as to what makes him appealing - to her - with his geeky choice of transportation. Or, Hannah should be checking him out, and then realize what he is riding. That would assist in character building for both, and add some intrigue for the reader.<br /><br />Still a good opening overall.<br /><br />......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-11368162662328386422013-05-06T17:07:51.902-05:002013-05-06T17:07:51.902-05:00I like Hannah too. Just a thought. There are a l...I like Hannah too. Just a thought. There are a lot of "was" words showing up here...which equates to "telling." See if you can eliminate them by using more action words. It will keep your reader more invested in the story.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-47542265490403430932013-05-06T12:48:34.125-05:002013-05-06T12:48:34.125-05:00I agree with the above comments. Tighten! For some...I agree with the above comments. Tighten! For some reason I found myself getting stuck on the "and's" in this. There seemed to be quite a few of them. Just mho. Overall Decent voice! Alicia Willette-Cookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174871217832164495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-86276548733670476132013-05-06T12:31:21.227-05:002013-05-06T12:31:21.227-05:00I agree, lots of personality. If I were critiquing...I agree, lots of personality. If I were critiquing I might suggest trimming and tightening the sentences, but it's off to a fun start. Definitely a summer love vibe happening here already. :)Luanne G. Smithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15762881276976395955noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-48081855105347533812013-05-06T11:23:23.445-05:002013-05-06T11:23:23.445-05:00Loads of personality and Voice in this submission....Loads of personality and Voice in this submission.<br /><br />I can immediately bond this MC. We've been in similar situations. It is *so* important to give the reader an anchor like that.<br /><br />I agree with editing out words like 'tightly'. Cut all extra words especially at the beginning when all you want is to snag the attention of the reader. Give me a smell, a sight, a color that nails me to the scene then (like mixing up pancakes) leave it alone to cook.<br /><br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-25563752743919522232013-05-06T10:39:10.811-05:002013-05-06T10:39:10.811-05:00I like her too. No red flags, although I like Marc...I like her too. No red flags, although I like Marcy's phrasing suggestions. I'll be back for the next part.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com