tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post7413451910396512087..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Critting SHROUDED GODDESS: world-buildingHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-19670677938459538752014-01-09T06:40:57.227-06:002014-01-09T06:40:57.227-06:00>I put the marriage stuff in there to show that...>I put the marriage stuff in there to show that Aryeea married an invader<br /><br />Hm, well that's news to me. I didn't get that impression at all. <br /><br />>The world is based on colonial South America in the 1500s and the words come directly from the Tupi language<br /><br />OK, but you need to find a way to delineate these two worlds clearly. Introducing it in a jumble makes for confusion... and wouldn't it make sense for a conquered people to maintain two realities, as it were, in their heads? If the native way of life has been suppressed (as during the Spanish conquest) won't things relating to that need to be kept away from the invaders, physically and mentally? <br /><br />Would even a baroness be telling Sophie such important, dangerous things so casually in her bedroom? blankenship.louisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05541461775158369620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-38918240783951595902014-01-08T14:35:31.521-06:002014-01-08T14:35:31.521-06:00A critter once told me, "This paragraph is *y...A critter once told me, "This paragraph is *you* telling *me* what you think I need to know. You aren't letting me discover the story for myself. You are forcefeeding me the information."<br /><br />IMO, I see some of that here as well. Example:<br />"He has forbidden anyone from even mentioning the old lore. Losing Petro to the river only made Hector more determined to punish those who brought up the tribal myths."<br /><br />Try showing me this rather than telling. <br /><br />That said, good job!! Looks like you have a unique take on goddesses here.<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-11511456461543787502014-01-08T09:15:29.884-06:002014-01-08T09:15:29.884-06:00I'm intrigued by a lot of things in here and a...I'm intrigued by a lot of things in here and agree with L for the most part. However, I like the Tupi words. And I was reading Aryeea in my head as Ar-yee-a (3 syllables instead of 4)--probably wrong of me but I liked the sound of it. :)<br /><br />There is a lot of back story thrown in that you could cut and we'd never know the difference. The two things I'd focus on are:<br /><br />1. Waking the goddess as L mentioned, and <br />2. Making Sophie's relationship and feelings for her grandmother crystal clear. <br /><br />If she respects/reveres her we need to know by how she acts around her even more than the internal dialogue. <br /><br />Other than that, you are doing great and I'm interested in the story. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-50439206999626890402014-01-08T08:01:59.527-06:002014-01-08T08:01:59.527-06:00Thanks L. This is very helpful. I'll add more ...Thanks L. This is very helpful. I'll add more about the water goddess and ground the reader on the quest. <br /><br />I put the marriage stuff in there to show that Aryeea married an invader (that's how she outranks the baronets) and Sophie believes marriage is the only way out of her current life. But maybe it's not clear--or too much. I'll think about that.<br /><br />As for the vocabulary... The world is based on colonial South America in the 1500s and the words come directly from the Tupi language (although I tried to spell them phonetically as an English speaker). Using the Tupi words is part of Sophie's character, as she thinks of herself as from the tribes. Now Gavin is a whole other cup of tea. He's supposed to be an outsider on both fronts.<br /><br />Thanks again!Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com