tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post7098159710089287693..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Dear KatherineHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-29569768883485772772013-06-19T07:42:42.890-05:002013-06-19T07:42:42.890-05:00So a professional space tourist lands in "Mau...So a professional space tourist lands in "Maui" and decides to get a tattoo. <br /><br />No, I wouldn't turn the page. Nothing's happening here.blankenship.louisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05541461775158369620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-8641444690818818682013-06-18T10:52:05.621-05:002013-06-18T10:52:05.621-05:00Good strong voice in this sample. That comes from ...Good strong voice in this sample. That comes from the whole first person perspective I think.Michael Offutt, Phantom Readerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10557969104886174930noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-54716705223237243582013-06-18T09:16:45.705-05:002013-06-18T09:16:45.705-05:00Thanks for the comments and suggestions.
"S...Thanks for the comments and suggestions. <br /><br />"Subsistence" was the word I was trying to spell. Thanks Marcy :)<br /><br />@Huntress: I can always count on you to point out where I use two words when one would do. You're awesome! I need a parrot saying "Tighten, tighten, tighten" on my shoulder while I revise...<br />Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-63101004693245411362013-06-18T08:33:57.021-05:002013-06-18T08:33:57.021-05:00Make that three thumbs up:)
I'd lose some of ...Make that three thumbs up:)<br /><br />I'd lose some of the 'to be' verbs though. Some places need tightened, IMO. And extra words need cut.<br /><br />Suggestions:<br />Trim the pronouns whenever possible: <br />By the time I landed on Millanos, I was thirty-two and had fallen on and off most of the colonized planets in the Tetracoil galaxy.<br /><br />Cut unnecessary (or the 'duh' words,lol): <br />Paragraph #3: cut "Dehydrated, in the air, my back" Edit 'was powered' to 'powered'<br /> <br />Fifth paragraph: Do you mean 'sustainable'? <br /><br />At the edge of the landing pads I exchanged (cut 'found someone who')<br /><br />Suggestion: "The Academy didn't spend much time teaching us about Millanos" rather than: "It wasn’t one of the planets we had spent much time studying at the Academy" - this rids the sentence of the 'to be' verb and clarifies.<br /><br />Paragraph 7:<br />cut "dispersed" and "close by"<br />Change "...and vegetables were served raw" to "...and raw vegetables"<br /><br />Suggestion: Change "Their conversation and my eavesdropping were interrupted by the well-tanned man who walked out of the private room in the back of the shop" to <br />"A well-tanned man walked out of the back of the shop and interrupted their conversation" <br /><br />Great descriptions throughout. Be careful not to overplay that hand though. <br /><br /><br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-87265170084970625032013-06-18T06:34:11.962-05:002013-06-18T06:34:11.962-05:00Yep, I'd definitely read on! Love the writing ...Yep, I'd definitely read on! Love the writing style and the world building already.Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.com