tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post6107863846873744113..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: #1 Persona (Staying Alive Series #1)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-41265151815627858332011-06-15T20:22:16.215-05:002011-06-15T20:22:16.215-05:00i like your premise and would love to read on!
i ...i like your premise and would love to read on!<br /><br />i agree with above about pov. and i learned the backstory lesson the hard way (aw crits) but it was worth it.<br /><br /> backstory is more for the writer. important details can be revealed as they come up but no reader wants a history lesson. they want to know what happens, get to the good stuff. i have taken out boo-coos (sp? ha ha) out of my ms and prob will remove more.Tara Tylerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07587802105993889515noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-19592371646894220772011-06-14T20:52:25.618-05:002011-06-14T20:52:25.618-05:00Verb tenses, as mentioned above, plus capitalizati...Verb tenses, as mentioned above, plus capitalization and homophones. <br /><br />Stick with Bethany and her nightly rounds until we really need to know what's being done to these patients. You've got to get the reader invested in a character before you start unloading backstory.blankenship.louisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05541461775158369620noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-79498748323324320562011-06-14T20:48:07.331-05:002011-06-14T20:48:07.331-05:00We have a lot of backstory here and it's all s...We have a lot of backstory here and it's all slightly confusing. Backstory should be sprinkled throughout, not thrust at us in huge clumps. Backstory also leads to telling (ie a guard came in with a gun and shot it).<br /><br />The first paragraph is more like it. It's more thought and action instead of an info dump. I found myself drawn in until your second paragraph threw me off.<br /><br />Watch your tenses. You have lots of 'was' in your first paragraph, leading me to think of past tense, and then you start using present tense: 'has' 'he's' 'feels'.<br /><br />Also, I don't know if it's just the formatting but you're missing a lot of spaces.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-35593959843522482572011-06-14T19:54:12.663-05:002011-06-14T19:54:12.663-05:00I agree with Huntress. The changes in verb tense k...I agree with Huntress. The changes in verb tense kept slowing me down, but that is an easy thing to fix. <br /><br />You have an interesting storyline here. I'm curious to find out how this DNA tampering affected these patients. <br /><br />"Black, Marshall Black, was..." made me think "Bond, James Bond". You may want to avoid that because it feels gimmicky.<br /><br />I would cut the back story that starts in paragraph 2 and 3 and continue with what is happening to Betthany. Later you can drop in bits of the story through conversation. Being Queen of backstory myself, I'm learning people don't cringe as much if it's done in conversation--and done well.<br /><br />Good luck and thanks for sharing!Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-81212220670721725832011-06-14T19:11:13.400-05:002011-06-14T19:11:13.400-05:00There are problems with tense in this submission, ...There are problems with tense in this submission, but reading the words aloud would help to pinpoint those places. Or have someone read it back to you. Or, if you are like me and can’t find a willing victim, er participant, record your voice and listen to the tense.<br /><br />In this first, very important page, backstory should be minimal. Leave hints or tastes of the story to come but don’t explain things too much.<br /><br />Example: The first sentence in the second paragraph stops the action that began in the first paragraph. Now, my thought process comes to a stop and goes from Bethany making her rounds to the scene concerning something that occurred five years previous. My brain must process the new scene.<br /> <br />Start the action and keep it going. Don’t go backwards in the storyline.<br /><br />Good idea though. I would continue reading.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com