tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post5917121423975340324..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Critting UNLIKELY MAGE: implausible settingHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-87145976580784580122014-02-11T18:10:33.077-06:002014-02-11T18:10:33.077-06:00@Matt
I hate it when names are similar. Louis L...@Matt<br />I hate it when names are similar. Louis L'amour did it a lot. Thx.<br /> <br />Yep, the girl behind Bert is the key. More explanation later in the chapter. <br />And I am impressed. A dark living, laptop balanced on a pillow. *G*<br /><br />@Charity<br />Bert can take it. he's a big boy.<br /><br />ThanksAll! Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-85786353628665653272014-02-11T18:04:28.265-06:002014-02-11T18:04:28.265-06:00I read the first one, too, but I didn't catch ...I read the first one, too, but I didn't catch spell. From the new girl behind Bert?Matthew Keith Reviewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04561128292748819435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-11729996193642769852014-02-11T17:58:40.601-06:002014-02-11T17:58:40.601-06:00I won't add anything since I've sent a ful...I won't add anything since I've sent a full crit already. Mostly I want to jump to CD's defense. <br /><br />Having read the first book this all made sense to me. The professor drops it and acts like nothing happened because a mage worked a little spirit on him. <br /><br />I guess the trick here will be to make that clear for new readers so they aren't lost. And, Bert's personality is a complete turn about from the last book--I understand why, but you might want to give a better hint as to why so new readers won't think he's a complete jerk. <br /><br />Poor Bert. *sigh*Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-5695069030568422952014-02-11T17:51:50.006-06:002014-02-11T17:51:50.006-06:00Wow. Nice way to begin. Can you tell I typed that ...Wow. Nice way to begin. Can you tell I typed that in a dark living room with a laptop balanced on a pillow? "I can't say I lost faith..." is how I meant to begin that comment.Matthew Keith Reviewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04561128292748819435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-69916781249424320482014-02-11T17:51:01.461-06:002014-02-11T17:51:01.461-06:00I can't lost I faith in the story or the chara...I can't lost I faith in the story or the characters. The scene was portrayed well--I immediately recognized it as a room full of disinterested students with a blatant lack of respect for their instructor.<br /><br />The things that jumped out at me...<br /><br />-The instructor's name and the main's name were too close and because of the separation between some of the paragraphs I had to go back and read more than once to make certain I knew who was being referenced. There was more than once when I thought Bert was Butreil and vice versa.<br /><br />-Butreil obviously demands respect from his pupils. He wouldn't react so strongly if that weren't the case. As was already mentioned, why was the girl who'd been sent to the office not gone from the room immediately, as she'd been told? Why does Bert feel so comfortable treating his instructor with open disdain?<br /><br />-They go through this back-n-forth on wizards but the argument never goes anywhere. It just kind of tapers off and Butreil starts reading again as if it never happened and the students immediately go back to languorous behavior as if they, too, were oblivious to the argument that just occurred. Weird.<br /><br />-If this is set in fictional world where everything is a little "off", that's one thing. But if it's supposed to be representative of our "here and now" I think it missed the mark some.<br /><br />-I'd also consider changing psychology to history (or something). I, too, immediately assumed a college setting.<br /><br />-Last of all, the ending line was clearly saved for last and answered a lot of the nagging questions I had as I read this excerpt. But I have to agree--that's the story, right there. It's the hook. It's hard for me to say it would be effective sooner, because it really resonates where it is... by then you know already how bored Bert is with school and the contempt he holds his teachers in... it works where it is. But maybe a little allusion to it sooner (hints), just to invest the reader before you drop the bomb in those last 3 sentences.Matthew Keith Reviewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04561128292748819435noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-8253522908735134582014-02-11T13:11:02.367-06:002014-02-11T13:11:02.367-06:00"I'll get you, my pretty. And your little..."I'll get you, my pretty. And your little red font too."<br /><br />Nah. No do-over yet. <br /><br />"...we're still collating." - Ash, Alien.<br /><br />Excellent crit. Much thanks. Will check into the psych thingy.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com