tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post5892644871214965530..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Shadow of Time...(part three)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-12847428538705301292013-05-08T16:55:00.806-05:002013-05-08T16:55:00.806-05:00I agree with the comments about the dialog feeling...I agree with the comments about the dialog feeling stilted. Read it aloud. Then write it exactly how you just spoke it. It really helps. Also, what's tripping me up is how formal these two seem with each other. I was never that way with my siblings. THANKING them for making a bed up for me?? :D I'd more likely tease them for bothering! Then get them a beer later at the restaurant. It'd be more believable if he offhandedly tossed her a beer and said something like "You know where the sheets are!" Then she joined him on the porch or something....They just seem really tight and formal.Alicia Willette-Cookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174871217832164495noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-43273583200847242152013-05-08T12:07:48.405-05:002013-05-08T12:07:48.405-05:00I went back to look at parts 1 and 2 again. What I...I went back to look at parts 1 and 2 again. What I think is really missing here is scenery description. Other than porch and log cabin, I don't know where they are. Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-3454513894459746432013-05-08T12:01:34.548-05:002013-05-08T12:01:34.548-05:00I'd need to read a bit more to see if any of t...I'd need to read a bit more to see if any of this is important. It could be sped up by Ben saying Em left her a message but not to call back because they'll never get to dinner otherwise. Hannah can ask about her friend, but unless they are stopping by the pharmacy, there's no reason to go into too much detail.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-33135973924027759612013-05-08T09:54:12.114-05:002013-05-08T09:54:12.114-05:00The dialog seems a bit stilted. Maybe it is only m...The dialog seems a bit stilted. Maybe it is only my perspective though.<br /><br />Did you try speaking this out loud by yourself or with a willing (or Unwilling in the case of my hubby) volunteer?<br /><br />You might notice that people usually don't speak in complete sentences.<br />Example:<br /><br />“She’s fine! She’s been asking about you.”<br /> <br />“She still live in Naabi’aani?”<br /><br />Ben nodded. “Yeah. Just finished. She’s a certified naturopath now. Her practice is on the rez, in Naabi’aani. But she works at the pharmacy in town too.”<br /><br />“Wow! Good for her. And what about Josh - have you seen him yet?”<br /> <br />“Sure. Every summer. He still lives with his parents, just finished high school.”<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-88778861200987667652013-05-08T09:33:45.848-05:002013-05-08T09:33:45.848-05:00Okay, I'm fine with the small talk about Emily...Okay, I'm fine with the small talk about Emily, but the talk about Josh doesn't fit for me. Who is he? If he just graduated from high school then he isn't the love interest because the MC is older than her 21 year old brother. <br /><br />Most of this section is just dragging and I think it could be cut. Save these details to sprinkle in later when needed. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com