tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post5747298930850539096..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: First Chapter - part fourHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-31380217463892538322012-07-08T16:23:59.947-05:002012-07-08T16:23:59.947-05:00It is a darn good first draft:)It is a darn good first draft:)Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-62344057667705462652012-07-08T16:23:13.008-05:002012-07-08T16:23:13.008-05:00Okay, this is kind of amazing. Good visuals here.
...Okay, this is kind of amazing. Good visuals here.<br /><br />I would still punctuate the sentences with fragments to give the drama a kick and edit the unnecessary words.<br /><br />Example:<br />She braced against the horrid swaying.<br /><br />Heart pounding, she peered into the gloomy interior of the coach. A darker shape scrunched further into the seat opposite her. Silent. As if fearful of discovery.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-22133324745844827152012-07-08T08:58:25.946-05:002012-07-08T08:58:25.946-05:00glad I could be of help. And don't forget to g...glad I could be of help. And don't forget to get more opinions than just mine :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-71674906033667513702012-07-08T03:53:40.955-05:002012-07-08T03:53:40.955-05:00Sorry my comment's late.
I'd like a mentio...Sorry my comment's late.<br />I'd like a mention of her crying out before the question about the watch. It's not clear why they let her loose in front of the steps and then she gets in of her own accord. I'd have bolted away. So maybe they can fling her inside and slam the door shut. <br />I'm also very surprised she doesn't ask something like: "Who are you? What do you want?" etc. Her fear isn't as palpable as I'd like.<br />Overall, the premise is excellent and exciting. With tweaks to the voice and a little more suspense and less window-gazing, this could be a great first chapter. <br />Good luck!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-44526156416725930122012-07-07T17:45:20.140-05:002012-07-07T17:45:20.140-05:00And I'd like to give my thanks to everyone who...And I'd like to give my thanks to everyone who's commented. And especially to Marcy. ^_^ You've all given me much to ponder on.<br /><br />All in all, I was expecting a far worse outcome from a critique of something that's still in its first draft.Aldrea Alienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05652344290376563676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-75462541536557137832012-07-07T11:44:30.801-05:002012-07-07T11:44:30.801-05:00I'd also like to add that the above is only on...I'd also like to add that the above is only one person's opinion (mine!) and authors should try to get a number of opinions before taking a single one to heart.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.com