tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post508264149436186316..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: MOM DROPS THE ULTIMATUM...(part three)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-22981824636246189142013-05-01T23:29:51.616-05:002013-05-01T23:29:51.616-05:00Write the scene out. When you have an action or dr...Write the scene out. When you have an action or dramatic scene the writer needs to slow down and place an emphasis on these events that have that WOW! factor.Stephen Tremphttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10387553613827257304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-293056489801505412013-05-01T18:18:35.529-05:002013-05-01T18:18:35.529-05:00Ladies, I just wanted to let you know how much I a...Ladies, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your comments. Thank you so, so much for sticking to part 3 here! Knowing the length of ch 1, I suspect that there's only going to be one more part (4) to wrap it all up. So to those just hanging in there, it's almost done :)<br /><br />To mshatch, Liza, Patchi, and Alicia--your consensus is definitely making me consider fleshing out the argument. My original intention was to not give too much weight to the argument to hint that it's all trite to Bernie. I wanted her to treat it insignificantly and flippantly to make it worse.<br /><br />To Charity--Thank you for pointing out your confusion. I suspect that everyone's been in that boat of insecurity in the teen years, even if it's delusional. ch 2 reveals that Bernie is a binge/restrict+run kind of purger. She claims that she doesn't have bulimia, but I guess you could say that she's in denial to the biological definition. The reason why she's so mean here is because she knows how easy it is to give up "control". One of her deepest fears is becoming "fat" again (she was chubby throughout elementary-middleschool) so that's why her reaction to the girl is so vicious--she's reacting more to the phenomenon that the girl embodies than the girl herself.<br /><br />To the lovely Huntress, I think the second half of my reply to Charity might explain some of the viciousness (it was hard even for me to write). I've very sorry that you'd have to stop. Keeping my fingers crossed that the last section might redeem itself.<br /><br />Thank you again!! You guys are the best :DJoan Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14241547000296152599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-84579257695423008992013-05-01T18:15:13.911-05:002013-05-01T18:15:13.911-05:00This comment has been removed by the author.Joan Hehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14241547000296152599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-52616120325611053892013-05-01T17:47:05.821-05:002013-05-01T17:47:05.821-05:00Uh, oh.
Hmmm. Strangely, I was really turned off ...Uh, oh.<br /><br />Hmmm. Strangely, I was really turned off by this section. The first two were great. I loved them. But the MC's character trait rather horrified me. I wasn't expecting her comments to the other girl to be so vicious.<br /><br />Marcy is correct. Something is missing here, a redeeming quality I guess, for my benefit.<br /><br />No edits that I could see. Good writing. But I was so turned off by the tone that I'd probably stop reading at this point.<br /><br />Maybe the next page will turn me around. More insight into her mind. But it really, really, *really* needs to be good now.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-74144870332125837182013-05-01T16:41:26.984-05:002013-05-01T16:41:26.984-05:00I agree that you should write the scene out. That&...I agree that you should write the scene out. That's something that might pull reluctant me into the story. :)<br /><br />I'm a little confused at this point. The first sentence mentions her binge eating but never a word about purging. So I've assumed the MC is a bit overweight. If so I don't think she'd make the "your fabulous body" comment. I've dealt with weight problems and had friends with this issue since our teen years and it makes you self conscious enough that you don't rib anyone else about weight.<br /><br />That whole sentence actually didn't make sense. She's angry because the girl lied about the door being locked, but she's talking about "why" she would force her way in. It just needs a bit of clarifying/focus.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-62608045931767136342013-05-01T16:11:41.004-05:002013-05-01T16:11:41.004-05:00I agree.
Also, remember about extraneous words....I agree. <br /><br />Also, remember about extraneous words. Don't need "visibly" fuming. Fuming alone is visible enough.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-48850668243641342592013-05-01T09:35:03.280-05:002013-05-01T09:35:03.280-05:00I agree! I felt cheated too. Telling us about the ...I agree! I felt cheated too. Telling us about the argument is not the same thing as showing it. I did a lot of that in the first 10 drafts of my novel, by the way :)<br /><br />But I still want to keep reading!Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-90829907483219152252013-05-01T09:27:23.133-05:002013-05-01T09:27:23.133-05:00Absolutely write the scene out. You've given u...Absolutely write the scene out. You've given us this narrator that you've set up as someone that doesn't shy away from stuff...and yet here she is..shying away from a whole SCENE in a store. Give us the DEETS man! Plus, honestly, I have a feeling it will give us a bit more understanding of how the mom and daughter work together. You can play up how Bernadette gets snarky. Which obviously gets her in trouble. Good stuff! Everyone loves the gossip column! :)Alicia Willette-Cookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02174871217832164495noreply@blogger.com