tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post5049038098241071505..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: #2 Dialogue Thinking of YouHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-62183548028232049592011-11-03T19:17:23.355-05:002011-11-03T19:17:23.355-05:00I assume this is taken way out of context hence ou...I assume this is taken way out of context hence our difficulty in determining who said what. If not, that should be made clear. I'm also not sure what Carson is which made it strange. Is he a baby? Anyway, I LOVE how whatever he said made her (?) jump up and...I wonder what she's going to do next? I wonder what's going to happen? <br /><br />awesome ending to the scene. Excellent crit, imho.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-42857285219465133522011-11-03T14:23:52.478-05:002011-11-03T14:23:52.478-05:00Great critique, and good tension in the dialogue! ...Great critique, and good tension in the dialogue! I'm with everyone else, I want to know more. I just have a few other suggestions (if that's okay!!!)--<br /><br />The word "made" is used twice in the second sentence, and I know agents frown on that.<br /><br />Also, I had no idea she was on the phone until the end, and it jarred me a little. What about having her struggle and almost drop the phone when she keeps baby Carson from falling off her lap? That way we have the sense she's both holding the phone to her ear and a baby on her lap and it could add even more tension in the scene?<br /><br />Nice work!!Cortney Pearsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00774060537148628453noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-48184274076359231282011-11-03T13:31:35.871-05:002011-11-03T13:31:35.871-05:00Wow, enjoyed watching you edit this piece. There ...Wow, enjoyed watching you edit this piece. There is so much more action and it flows so much better! I write PB, and haven't thought about how complex YA writing is. You're good.<br />Patricia TiltonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-57364123805262645692011-11-03T08:39:46.687-05:002011-11-03T08:39:46.687-05:00The ending was great. I stopped crittering because...The ending was great. I stopped crittering because it captured my attention!<br /><br />I agree with Tara about wanting to see more. BTW, 'Relic' is an exCellent name. Super.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-77345611540162637852011-11-03T07:11:35.592-05:002011-11-03T07:11:35.592-05:00I agree that it was easier to read once I figured ...I agree that it was easier to read once I figured out the characters. If Relic is on the phone, the first line seemed a little awkward.<br /><br />I like the lines and it flowed better after the revisions. Too many internal thoughts broke up the flow for me.<br /><br />Great ending!Halli Gomezhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09667712458691917486noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-57931175203686280912011-11-03T06:10:57.893-05:002011-11-03T06:10:57.893-05:00it gets good at the end of the piece, i like how h...it gets good at the end of the piece, i like how he triggers an action for her!<br /><br />once i figured out who the characters are (which i would know before in the piece) Carson is a baby? or child? and Relic is on the phone with mc - it was easier to read<br /><br />i like her awkwardness, she likes Relic & doesnt know it yet =) (dont even need "awkwardly" because you show it, or "i asked" in that line, either.)<br /><br />Huntress did a great job w/crit. its much smoother & more intense w/less telling description. <br /><br />i liked this scene, i seem to remember another part of this story a while back. it's interesting so i'd like to read more!Tara Tylerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07587802105993889515noreply@blogger.com