tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post3385481229920275620..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: First Chapter Critique - part oneHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-80968371385496091802012-07-06T19:03:54.428-05:002012-07-06T19:03:54.428-05:00Yes, it is fascinating. I read it as meaning that ...Yes, it is fascinating. I read it as meaning that because the baker's son was missing, there wasn't as much help at the bakery, therefore it took longer for Clara to get the bread than it should have according to her mother.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-78362410392764564002012-07-05T20:06:52.015-05:002012-07-05T20:06:52.015-05:00I apologize if I appear too harsh. That is certain...I apologize if I appear too harsh. That is certainly not my intention. I did my best to suggest what might make the piece work better and show what is working. But perhaps I need to temper my comments.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-36007706626423809752012-07-04T15:58:56.187-05:002012-07-04T15:58:56.187-05:00PS I didn't know you're the editor in this...PS I didn't know you're the editor in this case when I wrote the comment, but I still stick to the stated opinion :)DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-86096039516087621742012-07-04T15:57:00.042-05:002012-07-04T15:57:00.042-05:00methinks the editor is too meticulous and a bit me...methinks the editor is too meticulous and a bit mean. Most of the comments the editor left on this piece show a person who thinks editor's job is to cut out and criticise as much as possible. I say this as someone who works in the publishing industry. Stay away from editors who are not helpful and constructive and above all professional.DEZMONDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14127166104359407763noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-85349338848021599722012-07-04T10:06:33.385-05:002012-07-04T10:06:33.385-05:00Adult fantasy often starts much slower than YA and...Adult fantasy often starts much slower than YA and MG and those that read it are usually well aware that there might be some world building to start. And as long as it's well-written and interesting I for one don't mind a bit.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-91975477190443853772012-07-04T10:04:49.321-05:002012-07-04T10:04:49.321-05:00THEN the author can get a sense of what's work...THEN the author can get a sense of what's working (not than). Sorry, just got up!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-30371993920997876882012-07-04T10:02:28.399-05:002012-07-04T10:02:28.399-05:00thank you Donna for commenting. The more comments ...thank you Donna for commenting. The more comments the better than author can get a sense of what's working, and what's not.mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-40599830388757131752012-07-04T00:59:34.576-05:002012-07-04T00:59:34.576-05:00I actually liked the sense of guilt and startlemen...I actually liked the sense of guilt and startlement in the opening paragraphs. I'm sure a child attuned to their mother's voice and personality would hear - even on a busy street - a shout. And I liked the way the city setting was built.<br /><br />Some of the deletions I would have advised too, and many of the dropped in info was confusing. But it was the consistent use of pronouns that threw me.<br /><br />The voice is interesting. I'm anticipating a lot of character growth due to the elevated internalizing. It is difficult to engage a reader with a character personality that starts off with this intensity, as more effort needs to be made to make her sympathetic to the reader. I also get the impression of a younger character, but again, she could just be repressed, and will bloom as she realizes her own value.<br /><br />I'm wondering if the immature personality is written into the opening scene on purpose; and if so, I'm sure the novel will be more exciting for it. Sometimes character growth is more important than plot.<br /><br />I'm referring, of course, to Shea Ohmsford's growth in The Sword of Shannara series. Nothing wrong with a self absorbed introvert as a MC, one who has a special gift and has to be taught to appreciate the gift, and themselves. In my opinion, at least; as I enjoy complex characters.<br /><br />.......dholedolorahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08715849844092553699noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-40810444313713072262012-07-03T23:19:43.639-05:002012-07-03T23:19:43.639-05:00I think MSH did a great job with the edit. Overall...I think MSH did a great job with the edit. Overall, the things I liked best were the voice and the description of the citadel. But I'd read it under the impression I was reading an MG fantasy (don't know how I got that idea -- must be blind), but I now think the voice and style are too young for adult readers. I also think there isn't enough action or tension to pull readers into the story. However, I don't read much epic-fantasy (which is what this sounds like), so maybe world-building is a typical way to start a story and the tension comes later.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07735576044552810103noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-69024945292156091992012-07-03T20:00:52.628-05:002012-07-03T20:00:52.628-05:00Good call, Charity, thanks :)Good call, Charity, thanks :)mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-72292886279021387162012-07-03T12:31:13.713-05:002012-07-03T12:31:13.713-05:00This is interesting, and like Marcy I've got e...This is interesting, and like Marcy I've got enough questions I want answered to keep reading. <br /><br />I'm a bit confused at how old Clara is. She refers to herself as a young woman so I thought 18-21 or so, but she refers to "bread, cheese, a skin of goat’s milk and a tiny, dog-eared book" like it's a lot to carry. This makes me think she's younger or maybe really petite. I know I can (and often do) carry much more than this at a time. She's afraid of getting her ears boxed (young) but she looks at the world around her with quite a bit of maturity. <br /><br />As for the missing boy. I read it that he went missing, the mom doesn't know yet, but when she finds out she will find some way to blame Clara for it. This peaked my interest. Why would Clara be blamed for the missing boy?<br /><br />Isn't it funny how we can each read the same words and think different things? <br /><br />I also saw a smaller village near the citadel set up on a mountain. <br /><br />And I'm really curious about the horse rider as well.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com