tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post3312093702594046231..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Marabella - Discovering Magics (part 2)Huntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-56283630907787821552014-07-30T18:44:09.931-05:002014-07-30T18:44:09.931-05:00Rather than '…the women and children began to ...Rather than '…the women and children began to scream…" I'd put "The children screamed as water poured over the side." Short sentences add drama. Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-37698183061623997852014-07-30T18:24:31.423-05:002014-07-30T18:24:31.423-05:00Yikes. I only noticed a couple minor things:
&quo...Yikes. I only noticed a couple minor things:<br /><br />"The timbers holding the rope mechanism splintered and ripped free, falling into the water dragging with it, the farmer and his entire family."<br /><br />That second comma shouldn't be there. I don't think. <br /><br />But very gripping.Liz A.https://www.blogger.com/profile/16531953467834426316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-91730113552610798982014-07-30T10:38:32.891-05:002014-07-30T10:38:32.891-05:00I loved how gripping the descriptions were. Marcy ...I loved how gripping the descriptions were. Marcy mentioned to take out the "seemed" in the beginning, and I'd add to take out "began to" from these sentences:<br /><br />>>The ferry bobbed dangerously and *began to* spin downriver. Women and children *began to* scream as water poured over the side. <br /><br />Also, this sentence sounded confusing to me. I think there is a word missing.<br /><br />>>The timbers holding the rope mechanism splintered and ripped free, falling into the water [and? while?] dragging with it, the farmer and his entire family.<br /><br />Can't wait to read the rest tomorrow. Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com