tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post2945617170738109256..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: First crit of the weekHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-52298266146392991402012-12-17T20:00:26.799-06:002012-12-17T20:00:26.799-06:00Thank you all so much! I'm thankful for your c...Thank you all so much! I'm thankful for your comments. I NEED harsh and having your thoughts helps me understand a readers point of view. I didn't mean to come across the wrong way. I AM thankful:)<br /><br />Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-53078164073318844462012-12-17T16:44:25.194-06:002012-12-17T16:44:25.194-06:00I thought it was the first page as well. Far too c...I thought it was the first page as well. Far too confusing for that, but if it's mid-story by the time we get to this point we've probably got enough basis to understand. <br /><br />I agree with the comments above, with the addition that I was continuously confused about what exactly was going on--actions seem to contradict themselves, and the scene itself is limited to a woman, a mirror, a hook with a key and the odd image of a mirror with hands.<br /><br />LaurenLaurenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04137538450232783883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-84230019773765372102012-12-17T12:19:13.152-06:002012-12-17T12:19:13.152-06:00This is a really neat premise! I would definitely...This is a really neat premise! I would definitely read this. Though I agree that you could cut down some of the description. A lot of it is repetitive, and some of the things you explain are implied. For example, "Immediately she felt her face grow hot and her mirror image proved her cheeks now flamed red." They imply each other, so I suggest picking just one.<br /><br />Also, I'm not sure if you explain the slave ship earlier/later, but if not, then you might want to slow down your explanation of it. Right now, it's just "The poor girl had been sold into slavery but she escaped." Could you maybe show that, instead of tell it? That's quite an ordeal, so you have a great opportunity to include some very emotional language.<br /><br />You have a really cool story! Good luck with this!Sam F.https://www.blogger.com/profile/04034367402431479011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-64106000552049553572012-12-17T11:06:53.321-06:002012-12-17T11:06:53.321-06:00*agrees w/charity*
Sorry, I thought this was the ...*agrees w/charity*<br /><br />Sorry, I thought this was the first page. My bad. <br /><br />This storyline IS very, very interesting. Don't think it wasn't. I want to know how she got to this point, what happened earlier and after. You created an image that stayed in my mind. Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-36413096918061440652012-12-17T10:54:20.174-06:002012-12-17T10:54:20.174-06:00Oh! sorry, we don't mean it to sound harsh at ...Oh! sorry, we don't mean it to sound harsh at all. You've got a great thing here and all of this is just our opinion. <br /><br />It's good to know this isn't the beginning, and many of our concerns may not be valid with previous information. ;) This is just a look into what we're thinking having read ONLY this section. Hope that helps in some way. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-24138681909424265622012-12-17T10:14:06.437-06:002012-12-17T10:14:06.437-06:00Thanks fr the feedback so far, howbeit harsh. *wip...Thanks fr the feedback so far, howbeit harsh. *wipes sweat from forehead, grinning sheepishly* <br /><br /><br />River is The Memory Keeper. She owns an animated memory book. Yes, the memories are played out physically through her and I guess for any of this to make sense you would have to read the book from the beginning. It is explained, and there are very clear signs as to when a memory is playing itself out and when "real" life is taking place.<br /><br />This was NOT the opening scene, so I don't think I am giving away too much. I guess I should have started at the beginning...<br /><br />But this manuscript is out with several agents, so I was hoping for some feedback, which I'm getting, and taking it to heart. Thanks, ya'll!!Ink in the Bookhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117718811407968345noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-55706781584626123592012-12-17T09:22:33.154-06:002012-12-17T09:22:33.154-06:00I see several problems. One is the wordiness and w...I see several problems. One is the wordiness and way-too-many adjectives. Too much action confuses the reader. Example: “The man narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth.” Pick one and let that show his irritation.<br /><br />Also backstory. The story immediately pulled me in with the image of a mirror, manacles, and a disembodied arm. Very cool. <br /><br />But then, Huh? A memory that is or isn’t hers and sorting out which is which? Save this for another page because this part of the storyline is the essence of ‘cool’ also but give that Very Important First Page a balance. Introduce us to River and the mirror. Save *why* this is happening and the ‘Lucy. You got some ‘splaining to do’ for a later page.<br /> <br />Don’t ruin this most excellent of hooks with Too Much Information. <br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-79651709844261354682012-12-17T08:49:05.384-06:002012-12-17T08:49:05.384-06:00I agree that this is a very interesting idea and w...I agree that this is a very interesting idea and with a little tightening and clarifying it's going to be great. L covered a lot of stuff for you to think about. I'm just going to add 2 more from the first paragraph.<br /><br />"A rusted manacle chain dangled from his fist, clinking softly as the open cuff slapped around her arm. River was trapped like an animal trapped in a cage."<br /><br />In the first sentence you have two conflicting sensations--clinking softly as it slapped. In my mind the sound of someone being cuffed with old timey manacles would be a bit louder than soft clinking. I think you mean it clinked softly before the man grabbed it and slapped it on her wrist? <br /><br />Second sentence has a repetition of trapped. Easy fix, just cut the second instance of it. "River was trapped like an animal in a cage."<br /><br />I'm interested in finding out what these visions are and if she can physically be hurt during them. That would increase the tension. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-20955324945208792282012-12-17T07:58:18.746-06:002012-12-17T07:58:18.746-06:00As a stand alone piece this is a bit confusing, bu...As a stand alone piece this is a bit confusing, but I'm assuming it's not the start of the novel. I like the interaction with the guy in the mirror, but I'm not getting a sense of who he is. Maybe that comes earlier or later. <br /><br />The first paragraph says he put the shackle on her arm, before she shackled him. Maybe if you say that he was reaching to bind her other arm it will be a smoother transition. I agree you don't need the highlighted phrase.<br /><br />I was also confused when the slave girl was brought up. Not sure I understand how River is living the memory. Does she see herself in the mirror with the guy or the slave girl and the guy. Maybe you want to describe the reflection a bit more.<br /><br />Another point I found confusing was keeping track on which side of the mirror the guy was. Describing what River is seeing might help.<br /><br />Good luck. The premise seems interesting.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.com