tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post252048496388399324..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Query #2 - Shrouded GoddessHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-61880958505241311692014-10-02T19:23:47.278-05:002014-10-02T19:23:47.278-05:00I find the smiler version much easier to follow.I find the smiler version much easier to follow.Lizahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16170701034715108039noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-11101554488168360372014-10-02T15:00:48.605-05:002014-10-02T15:00:48.605-05:00This is the simpler version:
Seventeen-year-old S...This is the simpler version:<br /><br />Seventeen-year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.<br /><br />According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging and his baronet father executed for treason.<br /><br />Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-4707152175142983352014-10-02T08:19:52.608-05:002014-10-02T08:19:52.608-05:00Thanks for the crit! I had a simpler version that ...Thanks for the crit! I had a simpler version that everyone seemed to think needed more setting. Maybe I added too much... or made things too confusing. Hum...Patchihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09097638657085263738noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-6609389281205544082014-10-02T05:58:02.818-05:002014-10-02T05:58:02.818-05:00Btw, love love love the premise of Shrouded Goddes...Btw, love love love the premise of Shrouded Goddess:)<br /><br />The problems I see with the query is the long sentences that aren't broken up. Think structure. Even in queries it is important. Long, long, short, very short.<br /><br />Also Too Much Information complicates the story you're wanting to tell.<br /><br />Sincerely great premise, though!Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.com