tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post1826604154850249256..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Query Workshop 16--TagestraumHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-62270097921280730212012-08-24T12:18:35.697-05:002012-08-24T12:18:35.697-05:00I like this query a lot! My only suggestion is to ...I like this query a lot! My only suggestion is to give me a little more about Adrian's character. Otherwise, loved it!mshatchhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06308916014310536449noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-65055234984544045922012-08-23T00:43:51.426-05:002012-08-23T00:43:51.426-05:00I liked this a lot. Especially the flesh-eating u...I liked this a lot. Especially the flesh-eating unicorns. <br /><br />I had trouble with the sentence: Worse, Tagestraum itself assaults the sanity of rational minds, and Adrian's is made up of locked doors and labeled file cabinets. <br /><br />I assume you mean his mind is made up of locked doors and labeled file cabinets, but it isn't clear. And it doesn't really make sense.<br /><br />Also, "As the search unfolds, he realizes" could just be: Adrian realizes.<br /><br />Great job. Mary Holmhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00413720275477716972noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-81442098061091150252012-08-22T07:31:17.115-05:002012-08-22T07:31:17.115-05:00I’d break the first paragraph into two sentences. ...I’d break the first paragraph into two sentences. Add a bit more drama to it. Cut unnecessary words.<br /><br />Example: When seven-year-old Nathaniel disappears from his backyard, social worker Adrian Montgomery jumps at the chance to find him. Even if it means traveling to another world. (26 words compared to the original 34) <br /><br />Try for more action in your word choices. If you note and edit the ‘to be’ verbs, I believe you’ll give this query more energy. Watch out for unnecessary phrases such as '...in order to...' and '...the whole...'. Say what is vital and drop the flotsam.<br />Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-22494678708842208162012-08-21T12:28:30.079-05:002012-08-21T12:28:30.079-05:00I love this query.There are just a few things to m...I love this query.There are just a few things to mention. <br /><br />1. We get a bit of pronoun confusion, but it's easily fixed by removing "from his backyard".<br /><br />2. You can swap "seems to be able to see" for "can see". It's not so wishy washy. You might even consider combining the first two sentences: At the scene of the disappearance is a doorway only Adrian can see leading to Tagestraum, a realm fed by the energy of children's imaginations. <br /><br />3. Love the world building. In my opinion you don't need the phrase "and Adrian's is made up of locked doors and labeled file cabinets." The next sentence is better at describing the horrors he has to go through. <br /><br />4. Perfect.<br /><br />Great query and fascinating story premise. Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-42540457901167479562012-08-21T09:01:50.416-05:002012-08-21T09:01:50.416-05:00Intriguing. I'm interested to know more. I hav...Intriguing. I'm interested to know more. I have a few thoughts.<br /><br />1. I like the way you set up the world of your novel, especially the line about "flesh-eating unicorns, dream-addicted fairies, and corrupt monarchs." It gives me a view of your (somewhat Lovecraftian) fantasy world.<br /><br />2.Good job establishing the overall conflict. I have a clear idea of what it is that's going on and why it's important for him to rescue Nathaniel.<br /><br />3. Good comps. I'm a fan of both authors, and I have a good idea then of what your story might read like. <br /><br />4. For some reason, I keep hitting a snag between the second and third sentences of the second paragraph. I'm wondering if maybe you could establish that it's a faerie kingdom first.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com