tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post1139334285955787111..comments2023-08-01T05:26:06.539-05:00Comments on Unicorn Bell: Hero GamesHuntresshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-39783128333929659472011-08-25T11:19:18.008-05:002011-08-25T11:19:18.008-05:00Not much to add to everyone else's comments, b...Not much to add to everyone else's comments, but I had to chime in and say I LOVE the posing in the mirror bit. Great flavor to the character there.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-9338361361757981212011-08-24T12:59:32.719-05:002011-08-24T12:59:32.719-05:00Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I hadn't ...Thanks for all the advice, everyone. I hadn't even realized this had gone up. (First week of school is always a bit frazzled.) <br /><br />This story is still in first draft mode, so it has some polishing ahead of it!Jacehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13923175310269099458noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-40721257655912343392011-08-24T06:49:01.023-05:002011-08-24T06:49:01.023-05:00Paul let the door hiss shut behind him as he looke...Paul let the door hiss shut behind him as he looked around the Hero Headquarters.<br /> <br />Simplify this sentence. Unless there is a reason that Paul ‘let the door’ hiss, edit this to “The door hissed shut behind Paul as he…”<br />******<br />It was an oddly shaped, angular room, bulging out at the near end and narrowing toward the far end. There was another pit of the silvery-blue liquid in the center. On the edge of the metal that rimmed the pool was inscribed "Hero Portal." The right hand wall, from his perspective in front of the Training Room archway, was covered in a huge map of the city. In front of the map was a pedestal, similar to those in the Hero Creation Chamber. There were several lighted points on the map.<br /> <br />Note the use of ‘There was”, “There were”. Edit the verb to make it stronger. Example: “Points of light signaled destinations” or “Yellow lights highlighted points on the map at junctures.”<br />********<br /><br /> “…various high-tech looking apparatus…"<br /><br />Is this his opinion or yours? Think of it this way, you want the scene to have ‘various high tech’ stuff, so your fingers type this. If you want the reader to ‘see’ this, you must describe it or delete it to simplify.<br />************<br />The section of wall that angled away from the computer was a giant mirror. It ran from floor to ceiling and was several feet wide.<br /> <br />Easy fix here. “A giant mirror ran from floor to ceiling on the wall that angled away from the computer.”<br />************<br /><br />Curious, Paul stepped to the silver door. His boots clomped a little on the metal floor as he walked. Under the sign beside the door was a microphone set into the wall. The screen above it read "Voice Recognition Lock" with a sound modulation display below.<br /><br />Use care when ‘explaining’ tech. Example: “He stepped to the silver door the metal floor ringing under his boots and spoke into the voice recognition lock.<br /><br />****<br />Use stronger verbs and nouns. Note the use of the 'to be' verbs. Watch the pronouns and 'ing' and 'ed' words especially at the beginning of a sentence.Huntresshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08155372788872245758noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-67221712091814977592011-08-24T04:13:05.816-05:002011-08-24T04:13:05.816-05:00Hi, I'm just passing through, thought I might ...Hi, I'm just passing through, thought I might give my two cents while I'm here :)<br /><br />I've noticed in the last chapter that most of the sentences start with "He" - He'd get, He walked, He carried, He was, He used... It's repetitive and it doesn't flow well. Maybe you could rearrange the sentences a bit to lose that repetitive feel, for example: "Facing the mirror, he put his hands on his hips" - same sentence, but doesn't stress the "He" so much. Or: "Dropping his hands casually to the side, he turned slightly away." Variation creates dynamics, like altering between short and long sentences, short and long chapters and things like that...<br /><br />All in all, I'm intrigued to know more, and that's what matters the most, so good work :)Daina Rustinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07772769709563377378noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-1847498125407126012011-08-22T19:01:08.842-05:002011-08-22T19:01:08.842-05:00I want to know why the section with the door is br...I want to know why the section with the door is brought up. Is that room important later on?Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-45590115233037635422011-08-22T15:44:16.692-05:002011-08-22T15:44:16.692-05:00Great piece! When you say "daunting poses&quo...Great piece! When you say "daunting poses", as a reader, I want to know what the author means by daunting... <br /><br />Sounds like a great read! :)<br /><br /><a href="http://elizabethmueller.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow">♥.•*¨Elizabeth¨*•.♥</a><br />Can Alex save Winter from the darkness that hunts her?<br />YA Paranormal Romance, <a href="http://www.authorelizabethmueller.com/" rel="nofollow"><i>Darkspell</i></a> coming fall of 2011!Elizabeth Muellerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06028099814857743134noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4393512822627120580.post-58329352723114048272011-08-22T08:01:54.578-05:002011-08-22T08:01:54.578-05:00i agree, shorten and consolidate the opening room ...i agree, shorten and consolidate the opening room description. off to a great start. makes me want to read on =)Tara Tylerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07587802105993889515noreply@blogger.com