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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Query - Shrouded Goddess, Part II

Original, Part II - 

Seventeen-year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.

According to her grandmother, the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by awakening the Water Goddess, whom no one has seen since the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think he would save her from a forced wedding to her cousin, but her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging and his baronet father executed for treason.

Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him.


My Critique, Part II:

Seventeen-year-old Sophie spends her days hiding her tribal heritage and fending off her baron-to-be cousin's groping attentions. She yearns for the freedom the tribes enjoyed before the Easterners invaded from across the sea.

According to her grandmother, Nice touch the only way to save the tribes from Sophie’s ravaging uncle is by to awakening the Water Goddess, who no one’s seen since vanished after the invasion. All Sophie has to guide her are the old stories and songs her grandmother taught her. And Gavin, of course. Sophie used to think thought he wcould save her from a forced wedding to her cousin,. But her uncle rewarded Gavin's marriage aspirations to Sophie with a public flogging and had his baronet father executed for treason.


Finding the Water Goddess is the easy part; getting help isn't. Excellent. Not only is the goddess powerless, she is more interested in fashion than politics. Her advice is for Sophie to seek help elsewhere, and that’s not a reply anyone wants to hear. Instead of a small dose of snark here, heap it on. Suggestion: She shrugs and tells Sophie to find another Goddess to help. She’s busy checking out [insert something like: sequined high heels. Or skin-tight jeans, etc] Sophie's only hope to save the tribes and herself is to use her unexpected water-controlling powers to find another Goddess, one nobody knew existed, in a land with more scars than her uncle can lash out onto those who oppose him. 
This phrase is a little bit clunky.


I see more Voice, more personality in this version. 

Looking for opinions. Got any?

1 comment:

Patchi said...

That's what I thought, but the comments I got on QQQE and WriteOnCon sent me back to the keyboard to add more setting. I guess I need to combine the two a bit better.