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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Query #1 - The Sinner Rose

Love the title of this query, :D

Original:
Query:  
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. It’s the most unstable and dangerous source of magic in the world. The punishment is simple: a quick death.

Martia is a Love Child, the daughter of True Lovers. Raised within the walls of Siris Academy, she’s been taught to hate both True Love and herself. Now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do: hunt down those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin.

Then she meets her True Love, Narin. Martia refuses to fall under the lulling spell of the Intolerable Sin. She knows a mere caress between True Lovers could send out a flare capable of eating through skin and bone. But Narin's kind words and gentle smiles make Martia wish she could be more than a brutal executioner. When the Academy discovers her crime, she has a choice. Follow her training and kill Narin, or give into the black magic that betrays her past and risks her future.

Complete at 90,000 words, THE SINNER ROSE is a stand-alone fantasy with series potential inspired by the question “What if classic fairytale true love was evil?” The (first chapter, etc.) has been included in the body of this email. Thank you for your time and consideration.
    
35-Word Pitch:
In Mithos, where passion fuels black magic and True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin, executioner Martia must make a choice—kill her lover as trained or give into their deadly new power.

Logline:

In Mithos, where black magic is fueled by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. When executioner Martia meets her other half, she must decide between killing him as trained or learning to control their deadly power in secret for a chance at happiness.


My Critique:
In Mithos, where white magic is fueled by purity and black magic by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin,. It’s  the most unstable and dangerous source of magic in the world. The punishment is simple. : a quick d Death.

Martia is a Love Child, the daughter of True Lovers. Raised within the walls of Siris Academy, she’s been taught learned to hate both True  Love if it is possible(!?), delete the word “True” because of the repetition and herself. Now that she’s graduated, Martia is out in the real world, doing what the Academy trained her to do. Hunt down those who’ve committed the Intolerable Sin. Personal preference here. I adore fragments. It highlights this important point.

Then she meets her True Love, Narin. Martia refuses to fall under the lulling IMO, “lulling” is the wrong word. Alluring? Addicting? Tantalizing? spell of the Intolerable Sin. She knows a mere caress between True Lovers from Narin could send out a flare capable of eating through skin and bone. But Narin's kind words and gentle smiles make Martia wish she could be more than a brutal executioner. When the Academy discovers her crime, she has a choice. Follow her training and kill Narin, or give into the black magic that betrays her past I don’t understand why it betrays her past. You mean it lets everyone know she is a Love Child? and risks her future. IMHO, there aren't enough consequences here.

Complete at 90,000 words, THE SINNER ROSE is a stand-alone fantasy with series potential inspired by the question “What if classic fairytale true love was evil?” The (first chapter, etc.) has been included in the body of this email. Thank you for your time and consideration. Good closure.

In the first paragraph, you could place "Death" in its own paragraph to jar the senses.
   
35-Word Pitch:
In Mithos, where passion fuels black magic and True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin, executioner Martia must make a choice—kill her lover as trained or give in to their deadly new power. “...has no choice but to kill her lover as trained or learn to live with hate. 

Or break it down even further. “Where passion fuels black magic and True Love is hated, Martia has no choice but to kill her lover as she was trained to do or be hunted herself.” 

As in the last paragraph of the query, I don't feel the consequences are severe enough. IMO, "...give in to their deadly new power..." means nothing to me.

Note the space between "in" and "to". "Into" means, I placed the book into the bag. If Martia gives in, she'll be in a heap 'o trouble.

Logline:
In Mithos, where black magic is fueled by passion, True Love is known as the Intolerable Sin. When executioner Martia meets her other half, she must decide between killing him as trained or learning to control their deadly power in secret for a chance at happiness. Hm. This seems rather long for a logline. Can you shorten this to the essentials? 

Example:  In the world of magic, Martia must kill her Love or be hunted herself.

Or: In Mithos, where True Love is a Sin, Martia must kill her Love or be hunted herself.


Readers? Any suggestions?








1 comment:

Patchi said...

Love the premise. I wouldn't go too crazy with the fragments because I think you need to vary sentence length. But Death should be a punch. And the stakes, too.