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Thursday, April 10, 2014

Query Critique - THE PRINCESS OF TYRONE

Original –

Apolline is happy hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter planet. She is a fantastic shot, and doesn’t flinch at the blood and guts of her kills. Never once did she consider she could be the missing Princess of Tyrone.

All her life, she has heard the story of the Princess, cursed to sleep for eternity, unless her betrothed, the Prince of Oran, gave her true love’s kiss. Although Apolline knows she is betrothed, she thinks her fairy guardians arranged it out of ignorance of human ways. The thought she could be a princess is inconceivable.

Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—But he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed, too. Her guardians warn her against her new found friendship, but she and Allard meet in secret anyway. Despite her rough exterior, he sees beyond her gun-slinging bravado, and their love blossoms
.
But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever.

The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Space Opera with Fantasy elements at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner.  

Critique -

Apolline is happy Find a different word than ‘happy’ to avoid alliteration. Plus ‘happy’ is one of those invisible words like ‘beautiful’. The mind glosses over it without seeing it hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-perimeter rim? planet. She is a fantastic shot, and doesn’t flinch at the sight of blood and guts of her kills. Never once did does she consider that she’s  could be the missing Princess of Tyrone.

All her life, she’s has heard the story of the Princess, cursed to sleep for eternity, unless until her betrothed, the Prince of Oran, gave gives her true love’s kiss. Although Apolline knows she is betrothed, she thinks her fairy guardians Love this! *still laughing* arranged it out of ignorance of human ways. This sentence needs re-written to make it stronger. Suggestion: But Apolline is betrothed already to a [...], a marriage arranged by her fairy guardians.
The thought she could be a princess is inconceivable. You use the word ‘betrothed’ three times in this query. Can you find a different word to use for one or two of them?

Then Allard appears. Handsome, charming—B but he’s not hers to have. He’s betrothed, too. Suggestion: He has a fiancée who is fiercely jealous (or some other trait). Her guardians warn her against her about their newfound friendship, but she and Allard meet in secret anyway. A flow/continuity problem develops here.  Suggestion: Her guardians tell her to stay away from Allard, that he isn't right for her. But they meet in secret anyway and he is enchanted. Despite her rough exterior, he sees beyond her gun-slinging bravado, and their love blossoms.

But the deadline for the sleeping curse is approaching. If Apolline falls in love with the wrong person, she could end up sleeping forever.

The Princess of Tyrone is a New Adult Space Opera with Fantasy elements at 71,000 that tells the Grimm fairytale of Sleeping Beauty in a futuristic and lighthearted manner.  

I have a problem with the certainty of the Prince of Oran. Is this prince part of the legend? Or is Allard the actual prince? If he is the prince, go ahead and tell the reader.

Suggestions regarding the first two sentences. Try for a little more Voice to really kick stuff into gear. Although this might not fit her character traits or narrative, look for something along this line: Apolline has a job to die for, hunting magical creatures on her pirate infested outer-rim planet. The pay is good and the sight of blood and guts doesn’t faze her. 

The third paragraph has a flow problem connecting two storylines.


Now don’t stress over the abundant red font. This is actually a supremely cool query. Supremely. Cool. I’m dying to know how this turns out.

Any more suggestions followers?

2 comments:

Sarit Yahalomi said...

1. On pirate infested planet at the outer-perimeter, Apolline love her job as a huntress of magical creatures. She is a fantastical shooter, that doesn’t flinch at the blood and guts of her kills. She Never considered that she is the missing Princess of Tyrone.

2. She already heard before about a Princess, who cursed to eternity sleep, until her fiance, the Prince of Oran, will kiss her a kiss of a true love’s .

3. Although Apolline knows that her fairy guardians arranged her betrothed, she always thought that it lake of knowledge of the human ways.
4. when the handsome, charming, Allard appeared,and in spite her knowledge about his betrothal, she fell for him. She loved how he saw beyond her rough exterior, gun-slinging bravado and despite her guardians warning, they met in secret. In time their love grow and blossomed.

5.As the time for the fulfillment of the curse crowing around the corner, does the love of the wrong person, will be the cause of her eternity sleep?

not the best... but might to lead you somewhere else... ;)

Charity Bradford said...

I agree with everything CD mentioned--especially the over abundant use of "betrothed". I also agree this is an exciting query even if not perfect yet. The story line sounds like a great adventure ride.

I just assumed that Allard was the Prince and they don't know they are betrothed to each other. Maybe let the reader know that and then give one reason WHY they don't realize they were meant for each other. Is it because Apolline doesn't think she is the Princess? And why wouldn't the fairy guardians know who he is?