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Saturday, January 4, 2014

Loglines and Queries - Legacy of the Eye w/Crit

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is an adult science fiction of the softer kind, with a literary bent and romantic elements. Think Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.

oh, hey, I like this. And points to everyone who know what Plato’s Republic is (I do) and EXTRA points for those who own the book (I do *G*). I’d drop ‘literary bent and romantic elements’ though. You echo this in the next sentence.

Like all children born on Demia, David grew up at the Academy without a concept of marriage and family. At eighteen, his impatience toward graduation from the Governance Department overshadows his apprehension of learning his parents’ identity. Too much information to process. You want a hook, something that snags interest Right Now. But those worries are dismissed as teenage angst on the day he notices a hidden tattoo on the woman he loves.
David realizes Catrine is next in line for a hereditary government that shouldn't exist. on a planet we don’t need this since we know this is another planet Where merit trumps birthright. Definitely too much information.  It goes against everything he learned at the Academy where merit trumps birthright. But that is just the start of David’s loyalty struggles. His newfound parents are conspiring to crown him the first acknowledged king of Demia by wedding him to Catrine.

He flees across the galaxy to avoid exposing or joining a hypocritical government he cannot change from a throne. Not sure what this means. Probably needs cut though. But David cannot hide from the hasty decisions of his youth forever. Catrine thinks neither she nor Demia can prosper without him and she devises a plan to lure him home. However, David is convinced she is just the bait in someone else’s grand ploy.
In this last paragraph, I don’t feel the consequences to his actions. Was his decision to leave a ‘hasty decision’ then? As in wrong? Back at Demia, is there civil unrest or political upheavals that only his presence would curb? Why go back if there is no reason to do so? Stay out of Catrine’s head too.
The last sentence seems to just drop off. It left me hanging.

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is complete at 91,000 words and narrated in dual-POV. It should don’t be wishy washy, lol appeals to fans of social science fiction like The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord and planetary romances such as Ghost Planet by Sharon Lynn Fisher. I also work with science fiction in test tubes. Um. So you work in test tubes??

Thank you for your time and consideration (and any comments you have to offer).


BLURB: On a planet where merit trumps birthright, David struggles with his loyalties after he discovers the woman he loves will rule--because of legacy. When he uncovers his parents' ploy to crown him the first king of Demia, David flees across the galaxy to avoid exposing or joining a hypocritical government he cannot change from a throne. Don’t understand these last three words. But he cannot hide from the hasty decisions of his youth forever. The woman he still loves thinks neither she nor Demia can prosper without him and she devises a plan to lure him home. However, David is convinced she is just the bait in someone else’s grand ploy.


TAGLINE: Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.


Final version:

THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is adult science fiction of the softer kind. Think Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.

Like all children born on Demia, David grew up without a concept of marriage and family. At eighteen, on the day of his graduation from the Academy, he learns his parent’s identity and their plans for him.  And notices a hidden tattoo on the woman he loves, proclaiming her royal.

David realizes Catrine is next in line for a crown that shouldn't exist. Where merit trumps birthright, it goes against everything he learned at the Academy. Shocked to his core, he learns of his parent’s intention to wed him to Catrine. And so become the first king of Demia.

He flees across the galaxy to avoid joining a government he cannot change and a policy of injustice he cannot condone (there is better conflict probably) When he learns that Catrine wants him to return, he believes she is only the bait in a game of politics.  Here is where you add the Big Consequence to his actions.


THE LEGACY OF THE EYE is complete at 91,000 words. It appeals to fans of social science fiction like The Best of All Possible Worlds by Karen Lord and planetary romances such as Ghost Planet by Sharon Lynn Fisher.

BLURB: I'd make the blurb the same as the meat of the query:

Like all children born on Demia, David grew up without a concept of marriage and family. At eighteen, on the day of his graduation from the Academy, he learns his parent’s identity and their plans for him.  And notices a hidden tattoo on the woman he loves, proclaiming her royal.

David realizes Catrine is next in line for a crown that shouldn't exist. Where merit trumps birthright, it goes against everything he learned at the AcademyShocked to his core, he learns of his parent’s intention to wed him to Catrine. And so become the first king of Demia.

He flees across the galaxy to avoid joining a government he cannot change and a policy of injustice he cannot condone. When he learns that Catrine wants him to return, he believes she is only the bait in a game of politics.  Big Consequence Here.

TAGLINE: Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984 in space--Love and politics on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.



7 comments:

Jan said...

You had me at 'Jane Austen's Persuasion! So glad you're feeling better - it's tough to start a new year feeling less than stellar. -- Jan

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

Thanks. I'm just now surfacing from a bad cold, looking around and amazed that the world still exists.

Patchi said...

Thanks, Huntress! If I hadn't completely rewritten the novel 3 times, I'd say I'm spending way more time on the query ;)

Patchi said...

In case anyone has a chance to comment, does this read any better?

Like all children born on Demia, David grew up without a concept of marriage and family. At eighteen, he dismisses his angst about graduation on the day he discovers Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.

A hereditary government should not exist in a society where merit trumps birthright. It goes against everything David learned in school. But that is just the start of his loyalty struggles. His newfound parents are conspiring to crown him the first king of Demia by wedding him to Catrine.

David flees across the galaxy to avoid joining the hypocritical government, but nine years cannot diminish the love he left behind. As Catrine's pleas for his return intensify, David is convinced she is just the bait in his parents' grand ploy. Would he be able to lead Demia to utopia from her bedroom?

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

My Humble Opinion:

First line great. Second line, not so much. Still a lot of info in a short time space. I count eight actions that I must absorb.

Excellent second paragraph

Third paragraph:
By All that is Holy...yes. yes. yesyesyesyes. That last line actually made me jump, lol.

I still say that queries are the hardest part of writing a novel. The times I re-wrote the first lines, first pages, and query for Wilder Mage was probably close to triple digits. Easy.

Patchi said...

I'm not saying queries aren't hard; I've been working on this one for over a year. But the novel has been a steep, snowy mountain in itself. And I'm not to the top yet. Perseverance is key.

About the first paragraph... Is this any better?

Like all children born on Demia, David grew up at the Academy without a concept of marriage and family. As the youngest student admitted to the Governance Department, David is confident of his future. Until the day he discovers Catrine, the girl he loves, will rule because of legacy.

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

Perseverance plus sense of humor is the key :D

And you are on your way because I love your edit. My mouth dropped at the last line. Super.

The first and second sentences don't quite go together but I can't put my finger on why.

BUT...I love both. So I am in a Quandary.

Readers? Moderators? Any ideas?