An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Workshop #17 The Matchmaker

At only nineteen years of age, Sienna Preston hasn’t developed many skills to provide for a family, except for one - the art of lying. Thrown into the role of primary breadwinner, Sienna gets creative with her job choices. She becomes a liar for hire as she is commissioned to pull off certain undercover jobs, ranging from prostitute to freelance reporter.

When Sienna is hired to kill the wealthy creator of a multi-billion dollar genetic matchmaking company, her conscience comes into play. She isn’t looking for romance, but a way to get out of the hit, when she meets the son of her target.

Zane Ryder is a handsome, genetically modified person. As the son of the creator of Match 360, he is the poster child for the company. His life has been planned out for him since birth: turn twenty and marry the woman he is genetically matched to. Life is going according to plan until he meets a fiery red-head who captures his attention.

Sienna knows her life is in danger when she refuses to kill Zane’s father. Clearly these men are not the forgiving type, and she’s become a liability. Her greatest threat is not knowing who hired her and when they will come after her again.

Zane’s future and the future of his father’s company rest in his hands. Zane must choose between being with the woman he loves, or becoming the poster child he was created to be, while Sienna must decide if Zane is worth waiting for.

Told from the viewpoint of both main characters, The Matchmaker is a romance novel encompassing an intricate tale of lies, deceit, and desire as two young lovers battle for love and for their lives. This is currently still a work in progress (and I do not plan on submitting it until it is complete).

7 comments:

Patchi said...

I think you have a great start. The first sentence hooked me and the rest of the first paragraph did a great job with characterization.

The POV shift confused me a bit. I think you can focus on Sienna and leave Zane for the manuscript to reveal. I would combine paragraphs 2 and 3, like this:

When Sienna is hired to kill the wealthy creator of a multi-billion dollar genetic matchmaking company, her conscience comes into play. She isn’t looking for romance, but a way to get out of the hit, when she meets the son of her target. Zane Ryder is a handsome, genetically modified person. He is the poster child for his father's company.

And I would keep the choice paragraph focused on Sienna too:

Sienna knows her life is in danger when she refuses to kill Zane’s father. She’s become a liability, but she doesn't know who hired her or when they will come after her. And Sienna must decide [how does Zane fit in?].

"Waiting for" doesn't do it for me. I want something that hints at the conflict. Is she planning an escape? Is she wondering if he would he come with her?

I hope this helps. I love your premise :)

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

Good one.
My suggestions:
Edit-She is looking for a way to get out of the job when she meets the son of her target.

When I read “genetically modified person”, I made a sound that translates into "way cool".

Edit-Find an alternative for the second reference to ‘poster child’.

Is there another conflict you can throw into the mix to complicate things? Just curious.

Pretty darn good.

Crystal Collier said...

Liar for hire! Hah! I love it.

I was with you through this entire blurb...until it started to get long. I would completely chop the second to last paragraph, because the reader has already assessed that's going to be Zane's problem. The one above that talking about Sienna's trouble? Can you whittle that down to a single sentence that lays out the stakes?

Very well done.

Renée A. Price said...

I'd read this book in a heartbeat.

The first part of your query is good, but once you change the POV things get confusing.

I'd avise you to stick to one POV (Sienna's is great) even if your MS is told by both.

I also don't buy Sienna's stakes. What is the real problem? Waiting for Zane doesn't seem to fit the strong woman you introduced as your MC.

Charity Bradford said...

I don't really have much to add to what's been said. This sounds like a great story. The query is just too long.

Simplifying the POV here will help that immensely. Just find what's the worst thing that could possibly happen to Sienna and then tell us in the query.

Good luck!

Kristin Smith said...

Awesome! Thank you for all your suggestions! They really helped me see what I need to tweak. I'll keep working on it!

mshatch said...

I can't add any thing else. I think everyone made some good suggestions.