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Monday, September 16, 2013

Workshop #12 GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH

Revision 1
Dear Dream Agent,

In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.

A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet that could be the answer to his problems. But when Vabalaz discovers it may also be the key to creating his dream wizard realm, the hunt is on.

Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But he could really do without fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.

GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 78,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.


Original
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking one inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald.

Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs. But the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than even he anticipates. The resulting earthquake breaks off a chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison.

A red-faced Gerald is banished from his village and, to complete his shame, shrinks another inch; two more and he’ll join his father as a Royal Equine Poop Disposal Coordinator. Gerald’s love of shiny wizarding objects leads him straight to a golden amulet which has the power to resolve his little problem. Vabalaz discovers that Gerald has the key to creating his dream wizard realm and the hunt is on.

Gerald’s hopes of returning home hinge on repairing the damage to Wyverndawn and thwarting Vabalaz’s plans. But fighting off bumbling bandits, dealing with a very smelly Orcling and evading a female elven assassin do not make things go smoothly. Failure could mean Gerald’s next spell might very well be his last.

GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH is a humorous, Upper MG, Fantasy. It is complete at 78,000 words. Similar in tone to Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series, younger readers would enjoy this novel of the trials of an inexperienced wizard who manages to turn everything he touches into chaos.

12 comments:

Stephen Tremp said...

I used to love reading stories like this when I was a kid. Id it out on Kindle> I looked but did not see it there.

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

What a delight! I definitely want more. You might be able to combine the last two paragraphs of the query meat and change ‘amulet which’ to ‘amulet that’. Cut ‘little’ in the same paragraph. That’ll help the flow.

Truly an excellent premise. Good job!

Charity Bradford said...

Holy cow! No complaints here. I love the voice and think my son would enjoy this story. Great job!

storymultiverse said...

This is pretty solid as is. A few small tweaks. One, the two last sentences of the third paragraph seem to have a tiny hiccup between them. I think you could smooth it out and give us a little more information with something along the lines of " . . . a golden amulet that has the power to alter the land itself. Unfortunately, it also has the power to create Vabalaz's dream wizard realm." Second, the voice is so humorous and funny that I think "do not make things go smoothly" in the second to last paragraph is a bit of a letdown, almost. Is there another way you could phrase this? Great job overall!

Carl Hackman said...

Quick question...

Do we post revised queries here or not?

Tiffanie Lynn said...

Revision #1 was awesome! I would definitely read this and I don't even like MG.

Martha Mayberry said...

I haven't anything to add except the fact that I love this. Your revision really nails it. I think you have a winner here.

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

A most Excellent revision! I see great promise in this story. You nailed the conflict, Voice, stakes, and made it fun besides.

*big thumbs up*

Carl Hackman said...

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the comments and support. I'm querying now so your comments really help keep my outlook positive.

Just need to make sure I make the cut on the 23rd :)

I'm always looking for beta readers during my querying process to help tighten the MS even more. If anyone is interested just drop me a line (contact (@) carlhackman (dot) com) and I'll whizz a .pdf off to you.

Once again, a huge thanks from me :)

mshatch said...

I had to read the first paragraph twice before I got it - but it is the end of a long day! Otherwise, this sounds good and fun!

nwharrisbooks said...

Had trouble finding anything to pick on in this one. Maybe it could be boiled down a little so it is shorter, but I'm not sure I'd even risk that. I'd read this book for sure. ;-)

Carl Hackman said...

Hi all, just a quick note to let you know that I have recently signed a publishing contract for GERALD :) You can follow the publishing process on my facebook author page, twitter and my website.