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Thursday, August 8, 2013

SERENITY part three


Today we have chapter two of Connie's NA contemporary romance. My comments will again be in blue and we'd love if you'd add yours.

Jolin

            “M-m-mom?”
            “It’s okay honey.  I’m right here.” 
            I felt a hand grip mine and another rub softly up and down my arm. Instead of “I felt a hand…” how about, “A hand gripped mine…
            I turned my head to look for her but a sharp pain shot through my neck. 
            “No sweety don’t move.  I’ll call the nurse.”  She ran out of the room and left me on my own.  My eyes were dry (tell how his eyes feel…gritty? Burning? Also, there should be a comma after dry and probably one after times as well) and I blinked a few times trying to focus on my surroundings.  I was in a hospital room but I couldn’t remember why I was here.  My mom came back in the room followed by a doctor.
            “So how are we feeling young man?” The doctor took a stethoscope from around his neck and a light thingy from his pocket.  He leaned in (comma) shining the light into my eyes.  “How’s your head feeling?”
            I took a moment to see how my head did feel.  “It hurts…I g-g-guess.” I’m guessing he doesn’t need a moment to figure out that his head hurts.
            “Do you have any memory of what got you here,” he asked.
            I shook my head.  Pain shot through my neck again.  I cringed.  “N-n-no.”
            The doctor sat on the edge of my bed.  “What’s the last thing you remember?”
            I closed my eyes the words were in my head but didn’t want to come out of my mouth.
“P-p-playing football?”



My thoughts: This second chapter seems like an entirely different story. I'm also a lot more interested in Jolin (I assume that's the kid's name) than Ren but only because he's in a scary situation which has elicited my sympathy. Not that I don't feel sorry for Ren with her lush for a mother but the kid's situation worries me more. 

What do you think?


3 comments:

Patchi said...

I agree with Marcy that this seems like a different book. I'd like to know how old he is. His mom treating him like a kid doesn't mean he is.

Patchi said...

One more thing, I would describe the room before he identifies it as a hospital. Especially if his brain is sluggish. What are the key things he sees that make him think hospital and not his bedroom?

Huntress, aka CD Coffelt said...

Now I want to know more. How does this character relate to Ren for instance.

Beware of what I call the Duh Factor. Example: 'trying to'. He either was or he wasn't. Or as Yoda, that great philosopher, said "Do or do not. There is no try."

Also use care when expressing a stutter. Once is great. After that it is like too much slang or speech impediments; it gets irritating.