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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

#2 Taglines/Blurbs

Here is the second submission to our Taglines and Blurbs.
If anyone else is feeling brave, I have another opening this week. Send your tagline and/or blurb to:
unicornbellsubmissions at gmail dot com

Tagline: 
Jane Austen's Persuasion meets 1984--A love story set on a planet colonized according to Plato’s Republic.
Outstanding! Love this. And anyone who says they don't know what Plato's Republic is needs to Google right now. Then find a copy. 

Blurb: 
Original-

When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath his girlfriend's hair, he realizes Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their planet. Their society is supposed to value merit, not birthright. Loving her will bind him to a deceitful government David is unsure he can change from within. Distance will set him free. But how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? Catrine might just be the bait he cannot resist.


Blurb: 
With comments/suggestions in red-

When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath his girlfriend's hair, he realizes Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their planet. Their society is supposed to value merit, not birthright. Their society values merit not birthright. At least in policy. Loving her will bind him to a deceitful government I’m missing definition of the problem here. Is there something more than just a government’s deceit regarding birthrights and merits? I think you should expand or find something that warrants the term ‘deceitful’. Something in line with conflict and consequences  David is unsure he can change from within. I don’t understand the ‘within’ part. What does he need to change? Distance will set him free. Set him free from what? Love? But how long can he evade those who are determined to lure him home? But others are determined to lure him home using Catrine as bait. Catrine might just be the bait he cannot resist.

I need more consequences and outcomes. David can’t stay with Catrine. Why? What are the consequences if he does? Why would he return? For love? Not good enough. Look for something unique in their relationship to make the blurb pop.


1 comment:

Patchi said...

Every time I try to shorten the query into a blurb it feels like it's missing something. Arg!

Do blurbs need to be less than 100 words or 150?

How about:

When David notices the tiny tattoo hidden beneath his girlfriend's hair, he realizes Catrine is next in line for a hereditary throne that should not exist on their planet. David is appalled that a single family has been ruling Demia in secret since colonization. Their society values merit, not birthright. At least that was what they taught him in school. Then David uncovers his parents' ploy to crown him the first king of Demia by marrying him to Catrine. Loving her will bind him to a deceitful government David is unsure he can change from within. His leadership skills might be better employed bringing peace to the turmoil at the other end of the galaxy. But cannot Demia prosper without him. And he cannot evade those determined to lure him home. Catrine might just be the bait he cannot resist.

Is this too long?