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Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Shadow of Time...(part three)


Today we have part three of Shadow of Time - my crit will follow later...

“I’ve already made your bed,” Ben pointed out, coming in after her and putting the suitcase down.
“Thank you so much. That really helps. My back hurts from all the driving.”
“Let’s go out for dinner tonight, then. We don’t need to cook. There’s a nice new place at the beach with grilled fish on the menu. We could try that.”
“Sounds great!” Hannah went out to get the rest of her stuff from the car. In the meantime, Ben grabbed two beer cans from the fridge. He and Hannah toasted when they sat down on the porch.
“To a long and carefree summer,” Hannah said.
Ben grinned. “A good thing Greg’s out of your life. He never wanted to visit this place. St. Mary’s Port has missed you.”
“How’s Emily, by the way? I was thinking about her at the gas station. There was a Navajo guy walking around there from the same clan.” She felt herself blush and quickly took a swig of beer from her can.
“She’s fine! She was asking about you.” 
 “Does she still live in Naabi’aani?”
Ben nodded. “Yeah, she just finished her studies. She’s a certified naturopath now. Her practice is on the rez, in Naabi’aani, but she also works at the homeopathic pharmacy in town.”
“Wow! Good for her. And what about Josh - have you seen him yet?” 
“Sure. We meet every summer. He still lives there with his parents. He just finished high school.”
Hannah smiled, staring out over the lake spreading out at the bottom of the hill like an unfathomable, giant mirror. It was great this place hadn’t changed in her absence. Everything was still as beautiful as she remembered, and their old friends were still around too.
Hannah glanced down at her watch. “When does the pharmacy close? Do you think I’ll have time to say hello to Em?”
“She’s not working today.” Ben dug up his cell phone. “But she will be tomorrow. She asked me to tell you to call her. I have her number here.”
“I’ll send her a text. Once Emily starts talking, there’s no way to stop her.” 

Yeah, I'm going to have to say this drags a little (sorry). It's just small talk going nowhere and none of it tells us too much except updating us on Ben and Hannah's old friends Em and Josh, all of which could've been taken care of by a few lines of Hannah thinking about the same update her brother already gave her off screen. The only other thing it tells us is that Hannah is still thinking about the hot guy at the gas station. However, I do have an idea how to make this first chapter way more interesting and I'll be sharing it after we finish our critique of the whole thing. Thank you to those who already stopped by and offered their opinion and welcome to those about to!

5 comments:

Charity Bradford said...

Okay, I'm fine with the small talk about Emily, but the talk about Josh doesn't fit for me. Who is he? If he just graduated from high school then he isn't the love interest because the MC is older than her 21 year old brother.

Most of this section is just dragging and I think it could be cut. Save these details to sprinkle in later when needed.

Huntress said...

The dialog seems a bit stilted. Maybe it is only my perspective though.

Did you try speaking this out loud by yourself or with a willing (or Unwilling in the case of my hubby) volunteer?

You might notice that people usually don't speak in complete sentences.
Example:

“She’s fine! She’s been asking about you.”

“She still live in Naabi’aani?”

Ben nodded. “Yeah. Just finished. She’s a certified naturopath now. Her practice is on the rez, in Naabi’aani. But she works at the pharmacy in town too.”

“Wow! Good for her. And what about Josh - have you seen him yet?”

“Sure. Every summer. He still lives with his parents, just finished high school.”

Patchi said...

I'd need to read a bit more to see if any of this is important. It could be sped up by Ben saying Em left her a message but not to call back because they'll never get to dinner otherwise. Hannah can ask about her friend, but unless they are stopping by the pharmacy, there's no reason to go into too much detail.

Patchi said...

I went back to look at parts 1 and 2 again. What I think is really missing here is scenery description. Other than porch and log cabin, I don't know where they are.

Alicia Willette-Cook said...

I agree with the comments about the dialog feeling stilted. Read it aloud. Then write it exactly how you just spoke it. It really helps. Also, what's tripping me up is how formal these two seem with each other. I was never that way with my siblings. THANKING them for making a bed up for me?? :D I'd more likely tease them for bothering! Then get them a beer later at the restaurant. It'd be more believable if he offhandedly tossed her a beer and said something like "You know where the sheets are!" Then she joined him on the porch or something....They just seem really tight and formal.