An unselfish wish made on the horn of a unicorn will come true. Our wish? To support the writing community by giving constructive tips and criticism through submissions. Check out the submissions tab for more information. We can survive the crucible of fire together.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Tell Us About Your Story #5

Here's another exciting story for us to talk about. My comments are in purple below.

My name is Katie Teller. I'm an Author with Curiosity Quills and this is a MS I'm planning on subbing to them once my trilogy is out. I'm 26, born and raised Aussie but now live in the US. I'm a mother and wife as well as a clerk and student.

Lainey Scott is an academic. Her journey to find the lost city of El Dorado is for that purpose alone, so she can write a strong thesis. But when she adopts three orphaned jaguars her journey seems to take a life of its own. They guide her and her team to the city where Lainey discovers artifacts about Ziyah. 

Ziyah is a believer of the old faith, the faith which if you are discovered practicing it you are exiled. So when the High Judge’s son shows interest in her, a pauper and half-breed, her faith is used against her to force her from the city. 

Lainey and Ziyah’s lives are drawn to each other over the space of time as each sees visions and has dreams of the other. The more artifacts and records Lainey finds about Ziyah, the more alive they become to each other. 

But there is a dark force in the city, sealed in from Ziyah’s time which seeks Lainey’s blood. Both their lives are at stake if they fail to understand one another and vanquish the shadows which lust for their souls. 

City of Gold is a Paranormal Romance which is complete at 113,000 words.

This sounds like it could be really interesting. Especially if the historical part is rich in details from good research.

Lainey Scott is an academic. Her journey to find the lost city of El Dorado is for that purpose alone, so she can write a strong thesis. What does the thesis have to do with it? You don't mention it again so it doesn't seem important. But when she adopts three orphaned jaguars her journey seems to take a life of its own. How is the jaguars leading her different than her finding it on her own? Does she know they are leading her? This could be a good spot to start the paranormal twist. They guide her and her team to the city where Lainey discovers artifacts about Ziyah. This was a little confusing in spots. I think you can combine the first two sentences into one. Something like: Lainey Scott's search for El Dorado is strictly academic. Also, I think you need a bit more than "about" Ziyah. I thought it was a place at first, not a person. 

Ziyah is a believer of the old faith, the faith which if you are discovered practicing it you are exiled. So when the High Judge’s son shows interest in her, a pauper and half-breed, her faith is used against her to force her from the city. I don't think you need any of this for the pitch. It sort of muddles the focus. It's important for the story though.

Lainey and Ziyah’s lives are drawn to each other over the space of time as each sees visions and has dreams of the other. The more artifacts and records Lainey finds about Ziyah's life, the more alive they become to each other. You were talking and focusing on Lainey the first half of the sentence and then you switched to both of them. Stay focused on Lainey and it's easier for the reader to get where you're going. Something like: "The more aritfacts and records Lainey finds about Ziyah's life, the more real she becomes." Then to get across that the story jumps POVs and time frames you can add a line about Lainey seeing through Ziyah's eyes/through dreams/ or whatever it is that happens in your story. 

But there is A dark force lays hidden in the city, sealed in from Ziyah’s time, and now it which seeks Lainey’s blood. Why? Both their lives are at stake if they fail to understand one another and vanquish the shadows which lust for their souls. But one of them has already been dead for hundreds (thousands?) of years. How will Ziyah be affected? Why does it want Lainey? Will her blood free it to roam the earth? We need to know what the stakes are.  

City of Gold is a Paranormal Romance which is complete at 113,000 words. This seems a bit long, but I could be wrong. Somewhere between 80k-100k? I haven't check averages in a while though so this might be fine. 


What do you think? Would you read this and why?

3 comments:

mshatch said...

Like you said if the history is richly woven into the story this could be quite interesting. I agree with everything Charity said. I was a little confused about Ziyah, too, thought she was a place not an artifact/long dead person Lainey was discovering things about.

Patchi said...

I think Charity is right, focus on Lainey. Set up her research, how she incorporates Ziyah into her life, how the dreams seem real. Then add the high stakes and the paranormal twist. Can she alter Ziyah's fate?

Jess said...

I'd read this~ I love the fact that the romance has a backdrop of history and legend. Cool stuff :)