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Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Tell Us About Your Story #4

And pitch #4. A little steampunk anyone? My comments are in purple at the bottom.

Dr. Jekyll is tired. He's tired of living in these blasted floating dirigibles. He's tired of keeping these Half human-Half Clockwork useless creations working in a mobile lab with sub-standard equipment. He's tired of horrible tea. But he'll be damned if he's going to acquiesce and bow to her wishes, just like in University! All this fuss over a simple misunderstanding... 

Dr. Jekyll is terrorizing Victoria's England. And she's furious. She's amassed the strongest Automaton armies in history, and still he persists. He refuses her demands for parlay. And refuses her requests to tea. If he keeps this up, she doesn't care what happened at University, she's bringing out the big guns. 

Owen Straff, Detective Inspector First Class, is set the impossible task of saving the Empire from one of the worst threats to cross their boarders. First he must bury, or confront, the ghosts of his past life. Depending on the way he chooses will decide the fate of the Empire. Can these three find common ground and build the Solid Empire that ultimately they all want? Or will it all spiral down into chaos, leaving the Empire vulnerable to an even bigger threat that only one of them has yet to glimpse.

I've been in a steampunk state of mind lately so this had me squealing with delight.

Dr. Jekyll is tired. He's tired of living in these blasted floating dirigibles. He's tired of keeping these Half human-Half Clockwork useless creations working in a mobile lab with sub-standard equipment. He's tired of horrible tea. But he'll be damned if he's going to acquiesce and bow to her wishes, just like in University! All this fuss over a simple misunderstanding... Okay, I'm not going to be good on this one because I loved this whole paragraph. There's voice and things to peek my interest. My favorite line is about the tea. It just oozes personality. 

Dr. Jekyll is terrorizing Victoria's England. I would rearrange this so you start with Victoria. At first I didn't realize we had switched POVs. And she's furious. She's amassed the strongest Automaton armies  army in history, and still he persists. He refuses her demands for parlay. And refuses her requests to tea. Love the tie in about tea. If he keeps this up, she doesn't care what happened at University, she's bringing out the big guns. Interesting. It seems they see their shared University experience differently. Looks like a lovely misunderstanding indeed.

Owen Straff, Detective Inspector First Class, is set the impossible task of saving the Empire from one of the worst threats to cross their boarders. First he must bury, or confront, the ghosts of his past life. Depending on the way he chooses will decide the fate of the Empire. I'd swap this sentence around to make it stronger and more active: The fate of the Empire rests on his decision/choice. Can these three find common ground and build the Solid Empire that ultimately they all want? Or will it all spiral down into chaos, leaving the Empire vulnerable to an even bigger threat that only one of them has yet to glimpse. I don't like this last paragraph as much as the first two. It seems too vague and doesn't have that voice I liked above. Is there a way to leave Owen out of it and focus on the first two? I know as a query we need to keep things simple. I'm guessing that Owen is the only one that's glimpsed the bigger threat and that's why he's mentioned? 

I don't think you need the last paragraph since I'd read more just from the first two paragraphs.  

What do you think? Would you read this and why?

5 comments:

mshatch said...

I would read more based on the single first paragraph :)

Anthony Dutson said...

Agreed! That first paragraph rocks!

Patchi said...

Loved the first 2 paragraphs. Actually the first did the job. Definitely get rid of the last one. It added confusion where there was none. Just focus on Victoria and Dr. Jekyll.

Alicia C. said...

Thanks everyone for the input! So...Question...I get that I should leave the paragraph with Owen out entirely... But the part that starts "Can these three find common ground..." Should I re-work that, or leave that out too?

Each of the characters get about equal focus in the book...but if I had to pick a Main Character I'd say Owen was the Main. I don't know if that matters?

Charity Bradford said...

I'd rework the one sentence. If they all get equal time I don't think it matters who you focus on. You could always rewrite it all focused on Owen, but the 2 paragraphs you sent are awesome! The voice is great and that's what pulled me in. I loved the way it sounded and didn't even pick at the words.